A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi Everyone.First and foremost, thank you for reading this.I’m feeling a little lost, hurt and vulnerable right now, and I could really do with some wise words if you might be so kind. I had a partner (we’re both female) on and off over the past 4 years, and we had our ups and downs. When the relationship finally came to an end in January 2013, we endeavoured to remain friends (how cliché I know!). It was difficult at first, and 6 weeks after our break up, she kissed someone else in front of me. This upset me beyond words. But I chose to try and forgive her as I felt that there was hope of a bright friendship for our future (even writing this now makes me feel so very foolish). As the year went on, she said and did other things that made me feel hurt, used and irrelevant to her and her everyday life. All the time, I was trying to remain by her side as she was going through a very tough time in her own personal life. Issues which I will not get into here as I truly believe that is not my place to disclose what another person told me in confidence… Even though the friendship is gone, I’ll always live by my word.But as you can imagine, it was a testing time, for us both. I arranged various trips away and fun things to do. At Christmas (2013) the relationship felt like it might be back on track. She spent time at my Parents house over the Christmas break and we really connected on a deeper level again, but by the end of January 2014, things had gone back to the old way. I really felt like I was being pushed and pulled, and it was so unfair. I didn’t know what I was to her anymore – as soon as I allowed myself to open up to her again, she reiterated that she couldn’t get into anything with anyone… What really confused me was the fact she was still going out and sleeping with other people, while all the time she pleaded a lack of ability to emotionally connect with anyone? I became a “friends with benefits” I guess, and that is as much my fault as anyone else’s, and I accept that. But had you asked me a few years back if I’d ever have gone with such a setup, I’d have laughed at the thoughts of it. It’s not me. It’s not how I work. And I am ashamed to say I have now been involved in such a relationship. Fast forward to a few weeks ago, where I finally put my foot down and said I would no longer be used by her. We managed to kind of work through things, but clearly not very well. I didn’t speak to her over the weekend, and on Monday last, she emailed me to say that there was irreparable damage caused to the friendship. Some of the things she wrote were beyond horrible. I could not, and still cannot, believe the level of ungratefulness she has showed me. The disrespect I feel and the agony she has caused me in the past 48 hours, since she wrote the worst things I have ever had thrown at me, is simply too hard to put into words. I am beyond devastated that I worked so hard to encourage and support her, and always had her best interests at heart. I have removed her from my life – I have unfriended/deleted/unfollowed etc. so there is no way I am contactable through social media. I also removed all photos/texts/her number from my phone. My sister has agreed to return her belongings on my behalf as I don’t feel I can ever be in the same space as her again. I apologise for sounding so full of “me” and “my feelings” but I am so hurt. Just so hurt.I guess I’m really just hoping some people can offer me their advice, based on their experiences. I feel like I am suffocating right now, under the upset and loss. And though I know she was no good for me, I still don’t see how I can overcome this and be happy again. I want so much for this to no longer affect me. But what do I do. Help?Thank you for reading! x
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male
reader, LuvHurts  +, writes (9 April 2014):
As with any breakup it will hurt. i will advise you hang with your friends more often and or spend more time with family. their support will go a long way. try picking up activities or learning something new ... perhaps you may meet someone else along the way.
A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (9 April 2014):
 Many of us here, including myself can relate to how you are feeling now. Many of us have been right where you are. There really isn't any advice anyone can give you to help alleviate the pain you're feeling right now. There is no instant cure... only time can heal. My suggestion is to read and re-read what each of us have written to you. WiseOwlE, Cerebus, and other aunties offer great advice and to the point. Any time you feel down, come back here and read and re-read what they have written. If you need, write more of your thoughts here, share them with us. It will help you through the grieving process. Try answering others' questions will help too.Do whatever it takes to make you happy... one day, this will fade... it will go away. I know it seems impossible now, but trust me, one day it will be OK.We all survived it... so can you! Cheers!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2014): Trying to be "friends," was just giving your
broken-relationship a phony-name. "You" were still in a romantic-relationship disguised as just a platonic friendship.
Predictably; it was only a matter of time before it became "friends with benefits." Which was just another disguise, meant to conceal what you were really up to. That was, holding on to the old relationship; and repeating a long cycle of incompatibility. You didn't bother to change; so it was doomed from the beginning.
She is resentful, angry, and hostile; because you're holding her emotional-hostage. Using emotional-blackmail as a means to force blame and guilt on her. Ever reminding her how ungrateful she has always been for your love and support. Which she was done with long before.
You thought you had found someway to remain her girlfriend; pretending to be supportive and just a friend. You were always around when she tried to live her own life. You got jealous, and there is no doubt you showed your displeasure by pouting and picking fights when she was with other women. Sabotaging any efforts she made to move on, date; or to get-over the old relationship.
You asked us to be nice? Not if that means being dishonest and telling you only what you want to hear. You have to get through this. So you need to hear some truth.
You experienced what happens when you're not honest with yourself; and attempt to manipulate situations to suit your own agenda.
Trying to hang-on to someone who no longer wants to be in a romantic-relationship; and trying to force things to be what you want them to be. Then trying to make the other person look like a villain for calling you out on your manipulation and deception.
I'm gay too. I've laid witness to all the games and drama our community inflicts on itself.
No one wants to be rejected. Breaking up IS hard to do, and the rejection and pain it causes is agonizing. You were a friend who was way too involved in your ex's business. You interfered and pissed her off; just like you did before you pretended to accept being separated by a breakup.
You just held-on, while she let go. You refused to breakup. You though you were circumventing her wishes by using a sneaky tactic. She saw through it, and let you have it. You tried to impose your wishes to remain a couple; in spite of the fact she doesn't want to. So she exploded out of anger and she's fed up with your tactics.
I am very sorry how hard it is. We just have to let go, even if it's excruciatingly painful to do it. You are mature enough to know better.
You tried to pull the wool over her eyes; forgetting how well she really knows you.
We get to hear your side of the story, but not hers. It's not hard to guess. You are the one who couldn't accept the breakup, and you are the one who thought she could hang-on until your ex decided to comeback. She doesn't want to, so she had to explode and go-off on you; in order to make you leave her alone and get on with your life. That's all she is doing.
She is tired of you. The old relationship died when you broke-up; and you're kicking a dead-horse. Trying desperately to revive what had passed-away; but using deception to get your way.
Then you made her life miserable with your meddling and pretentious friendship. You held her emotional-hostage until she lost it. You know she doesn't mean all the horrible things she said. It was the only way she knows you'll finally go-away and move on. She wants her freedom and you out of her life for good. She wants no further ties; because your friendship is nothing but a continuation of your old-relationship. Same problems, same fights, and you're the same.
You will get over the emotions. You'll hurt all the more; because you delayed them. You should have undergone these feelings and emotions after your breakup; to allow them to run their course naturally.
The long-delayed healing process is just now beginning. Put off for months. Now it is all the more painful; because it had a chance to fester like a nasty untreated wound. You dodged it with everything you had.
Now you have to detach, and your brain has to undergo the chemical process of withdrawal. All the bonding chemicals must reverse their effect on the brain receptors; and it will be like coming off an addictive narcotic drug. Because it is exactly the same brain-process, involves all the same chemicals, and occurs in the same area of the brain as an addict going through cold-turkey withdrawal.
You will survive. It is how the mind readjusts and allows the subconscious to accept the fact that the bond has been broken, and no longer exists.
The brain has to undo everything it did to help you fall
in-love. No more serotonin or oxytocin, the feel-good endorphins produced when we're in-love. You have now been cut-off from your love-drug supply; your EX! It will be tough for awhile. You will get used to it, and you will move on.
You've broken up with someone before. You know the phases and you're familiar with the emotions associated. Grief, anger, sadness, self-blame, blaming her, and other bad feelings. Until you decide, you're ready to move on.
We are here as long as you need us. You'll get many opinions and plenty of valuable advice. We've all been where you are, and understand your feelings. We can't always stroke your ego, and paint rosy pictures; if that will not help or prepare you for the difficult road ahead of you. It was denial and avoidance of the inevitable that brought you to this point.
I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. I'm giving you tough-love and a dose of the reality; that even I myself was experiencing only a few months ago. I made it. You will too. It just doesn't seem like it now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2014): It's only been 48 hours, OP, it's literally too soon to give you any advice other than to stay strong, cry with your family, cry with your friends and do not, under any circumstances get in contact with her again.
Brush your teeth, get out of bed in the mornings, eat well, take some long walks, if you have dogs even better take them for long walks and just keep yourself ticking for the next few weeks until the worst has subsided.
OP you know you were a complete fool, you know you made some horrible mistakes and got used by her. You thought with your clit and not with your head. She treated you like shit and with utter contempt and you let her, in fact you did all the work for her. That's going to be tough to reconcile, especially the fact that this ended a year ago and you wouldn't let go.
So feel free to beat yourself up about it a little while and let your mind play every situation in your head over and over again, you can't stop it, and you shouldn't that's how it heals and it will heal faster because of that.
But all the while you need to start focussing not on shame or guilt, but on the lessons you can learn going forward.
You're young, you'll recover form this in time and you will do so with a new set of rules and you won't let your clit make your decisions for you anymore.
You'll never again not let go of an ex right away, they'll be gone as soon as you break up if you find yourself in that position again. You'll never again tolerate a partner playing games with you, you'll never again let love outweigh reason the ways it did with her.
You're responsible for how people treat you, and you won't let anyone treat you the way she did again, OP. In the future you'll look back on this as the most valuable relationship you ever had, she's taught you a lot about life and yourself. The most important thing is you don't let shame or bitterness get the better of you, and I'm sure you won't.
Take your time, take care of the basics and get the love and support of your family and friends.
Never, ever contact her again, if you see her in person ignore her if she tries to talk to you tell her to go fuck herself and walk away.
Don't be one of these people who gets sucked into "I just want to talk and explain things" shit, OP, you stayed for a whole extra year on a similar basis and it's fucked you over.
Best of luck, the next couple of weeks is the worst but it starts to get easier after that. Remember to take care of the basics or it'll take longer. Not eating enough, not enough exercise, not talking enough, they will fuck your brain and make it harder for it to heal.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2014): Thank you Reader :)
Here's to happier days to come! x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2014): I think you are more disappointed that things ended after you'd given SO MUCH.
You gave this relationship your all, and it didn't work out. You are going to be hurting for a while. You didn't fail. You were just not compatible, and it time, you will move on from the pain.
In the mean time, pamper yourself and surround yourself with people that love you.
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