A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 35 years old and I have been married for 8 years. My wife says she only wants to be friends and nothing more. We haven't had sex in a year. I love my wife and I dont want to leave her but its very hard to live without sex. I workout 3 days a week and I am very fit and muscular. Women look at my all the time. For the past month I have thought about taking a lover. What should I do? Do I leave my wife over no sex? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (6 August 2011):
 hi
What a terribly sad intolerable situation for you. And of course you would be torn, still loving your wife, but her sexual desire gone.
Your wife has unrealistic expectations if she thinks she can retain all then benefits of a happy marriage (trust, empathy, support, caring, compassion, understanding, delight, laughter, good honest open comminication, comfort, intimacy, joy, commitment, love, passion
etc etc) and retain you as a happy husband in a sexless marriage.
Is your wife possibly suffering depression as well as a mis-matched libido?
Has your wife been checked recently by a doctor. Because if she is in your age group I cannot imagine a woman in that age group would feel a waning sex drive, unless there was a serious problem. Like depression - a serious illness - and needing urgent medical attention.
Have you enrolled in couples counselling?
Couples counselling might uncover some issues that you are unaware of, that could be affecting libido.
Your loving commitment to your wife is admirable. But can you contemplate another 50 or 60 years wiith intimacy?
To me that would be intolerable.
Of course you could close your eyes when you masterbate and visualize what, with a woman of your dreams, in a setting of your dreams, and with words of encouragement to the fantasy woman in your imagination.
But that is a temporary imaginary sexual relief situation and reduces sex to something almost mechanical and artificial.
A real relationship between a loving couple should deliver so much more. Your wife's attitude lacky empathy for you. Making me feel that your wife has other issues that she either does not know, or does not want to reveal to you.
At the very least get some counselling for you. Since you are facing the permanent loss of the sexual relationship you and your wife once enjoyed. So that surely qualifies as a serious issue requiring expert suffort to negotiate, with good wise counsell, to work out your options for the future.
My best Wishes to you
Abella
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2011): Tell her that she either comes around to a different way of thinking/acting or you will see other women. It isn't cheating to have sex outside of the marriage if you can't get it inside the marriage.
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A
male
reader, Tom Obler  +, writes (4 August 2011):
 Sadly she is no longer interested. One option is a divorce, or another option is to cut your losses and accept the situation but talk to your wife and see what she wants and how she thinks life will work together. If it is purely a platonic arrangement then that is not for you. But, I don't think taking a lover is fair to anybody. I could understand seeing a lover and I could totally agree with you but it just gets too messy for you, your lover and your wife and family.
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (4 August 2011):
When something like this comes up, the lack of willingness or interest in sex, or the aversion to sex, has underlying emotions. There is a reason behind it, and you don't know what that reason is. She might not either. The way to find out what is underneath is to communicate. Even then, communication might not be enough, as it might be hard for you both to see what is going on, or communicate about such an emotionally sensitive topic effectively. If that is the case, counselling is a helpful way to find out what is going on. Your marriage migh survive, or it might not it might evolve into you guys just being friends, but if you communicate well through the process whatever the outcome it will be the right one for both of you. Taking a lover or avoiding the problem by getting a divorce and ending the relationship doesn't actually tell you what is going on, and won't help you find the right outcome for you both.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2011): For me if you love her. Leaving her or find someone is not answer. As i know if we grow older, mostly women desire in sex is gone. I feel she still love.
Find out what the reason why she has no interest in sex. For me, with his age. Maybe she's always tired, stress.
Make her have desire in you. She's the one ask you for sex.
Your fit it easy for you. Try to ignore her. Especially in bed.
I really don't agree. You leave someone you love because of sex problem.
We don't met everyday the person we truly love.
There are many ways to solved your problem.
GOODLUCK!!!!!
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (4 August 2011):
 I see no reason why you shouldn't look elsewhere. But first, you should get a divorce. If you're going to be with other women, then make sure you're fully available to them. Friends or not, you two are still legally married and women will be turned off by that if you pursue while still married. But you deserve to be happy, so set yourself free and find someone else.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2011): The question is always "why" in this type of situation.
I'd suggest figuring that out before you get involved with someone else at least.
You do this best with professional help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2011): In this situation, you have the right to look elsewhere, as would she if the roles were reversed. It would however be fair of you to discuss all this with her beforehand, and work out if/whether/why you want the marriage to continue in its present state.
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A
female
reader, misfitschik66  +, writes (4 August 2011):
 completely agree with the last post i couldn't of said it any better ..she has made it clear that there is no relationship between you two anymore so now is the time to get out and save your self from having any longer despair
your obviously confident enough to find someone else who will give you what you need because she obviously won't be giving you what you need emotionally and physically anymore
hope this helped good luck!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2011): Honestly, you MUST leave her first! Your relationship has effectively been over for some time now already but you need to have a talk with your wife and tell her you want to see other people. Then set about getting a divorce. You don't exactly have to wait until everything is completely settled before dating someone new but at the very least DO NOT start something up without completely ending things between you and your wife - if you don't you will end up with one sorry mess on your hands: hurting yourself, anyone you have a relationship with, your wife, and you'll lose respect from LOTS of people and when it comes to it you'll be ripped apart in the divorce.
Tell your wife that it's over and wait a few months before you do anything. And anyone you do meet - tell them straight from the beginning that you're married but separated. Best way to go about the damage control that will inevitably be needed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2011): If your wife has said she wants to be "just friends" she's pretty much left you. Shes effectively ended the relationship but gets to keep all the benefits of being married. Have some pride and walk away don't let her just use you. She's said she doesn't want to be with you so find someone who does.
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