A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:For background please see: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-is-my-exgirlfriends-intentions-here.htmlI'd appreciate your thoughts on this letter. (Sorry for the length).J,I have been thinking about how I feel of late, and there is something that I need to say. I believe that it will be best for both of us if we agree to not contact each other anymore. I know this will be difficult and it’s not how you wanted things to end, but I can’t see any other way for us (or maybe just me) to move on from this. However, this is going to take a conscious effort on both of our parts, so I feel like I should explain my rationale and I hope that you agree.Let me start by saying that ignoring you has not changed my feelings because contact from you is not the only thing that reminds me of you. I have, however, realized that things probably will never be as they were between us. I was caught up on this for a long time and that realization has helped a little. You calling me out about my differing behaviors and the difference between my actions and words helped too. As I typically do with everyone, I put what I thought you wanted ahead of what I wanted. By this I mean, I said what I thought you wanted to hear and did what I thought you wanted me to do. I have never had a problem putting my own well-being behind that of others until now. But, I cannot go on trying to do what I think you want because it hurts too much. Perhaps this wound is just one I cannot cover with a bandage to heal on its own and will require more attention without being constantly reopened by reminders of you.Sometimes it feels that when I take a step forward, you say or do something that causes me to fall two steps back. I don’t believe you do this intentionally or are even aware of the consequences to me, but regardless, this is why I need to cut contact. Believe me, saying this is not something that I want to do because it involves removing one of the few people I care deeply for from my life and it does not make me happy right now, but it’s the only way I see to eventually be happy again without you. I have come to this realization after your text message about me ignoring you. You obviously identified what I was trying to do and you told me that it made you feel worse. I wish I knew why you feel worse when you don’t hear from me, but I didn’t want to ask because I felt like it was going to be a step backwards to actually hear the words, though I suspect that I know the answer already. I love to hear that you miss me or are thinking about me because I feel the same way, but I also hate to hear it because I know we aren’t together.As much as it hurts to admit defeat, I think you should focus your energy towards your current relationship. Any thoughts of me, fleeting as they may be, are unfair to your boyfriend; he deserves your undivided attention. You have made your decision to be with him, so stick with it; indecision is unfair to both of us. I am asking that you forget about me as I try to do the same.I know you feel badly about the entire situation and I’m sorry that at times I handled this childishly. You had no way of knowing how my feelings for you would develop and perhaps my inexperience is to blame for exacerbating things. Nevertheless, after much self-reflection, this is the most mature solution I could devise.With Love,A
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 December 2008):
 That looks good to me. You've managed to explain your side of things nicely, and you don't give her much room to force friendship on you.
Sorry about your first love. It hurts like hell right now, but 20 years from now, you'll only feel some warm nostalgia about the whole thing. I know that's not much help right now, in this moment, but that's all I've got. :(
I bet there's another girl out there right now, wondering if you'll ever notice HER. Take a good look around, after some of the hurt has gone away.
Take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all again. J was truely my first love which is why this has been so hard for me and that I did nothing wrong also weighs heavily on my mind. We had such a great relationship. We were best friends and significant others. Our chemistry and compatibility were enviable. She says "why waste a great foundation", but I haven't been able to transition to friends. I'm afraid she too is still struggling and I hope that this letter will help us both.
Anyway, I took your advice and added some softer language:
1st paragraph: I have been thinking about how I feel of late, and there is something that I have left unsaid. I'm finding that contact from you continues to cause me pain. Yes, I do care for you, and I wish things had worked out differently, but every time I even see your name on my phone, my heart races as it relives the precipitous drop from highest high to lowest low. I'd like to propose that, for now, it will be best for both of us if we agree to not contact each other anymore, for at least as long as it takes until it's not like a fresh wound every day. I know that you don't wish to hurt me any further; I know this is not your intention, but alas, this is the reality. I know this will be difficult and it’s not how you wanted things to end, but I can’t see any other way for us (or maybe just me) to move on from this. However, this is going to take a conscious effort on both of our parts, so I feel like I should explain my rationale and I hope that you agree. Regardless, any solution will take the effort of both of us and if you cannot agree to this, then we need to find another solution we can both handle.
ending: I cannot say how long it will take to separate my feelings from you, but if I can, I would like to resume our friendship. I’m just incapable of making the transition in our current situation.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 December 2008):
I like your letter. I had to read it a couple of times, as I'm sure she would do, in order to fully grasp what you were trying to say. But I think you wrote it very well.
I have one change I'd like to make to your first paragraph:
"I have been thinking about how I feel of late, and there is something that I need to say. I'm finding that continued contact with you causes me pain. Yes, I do care for you, and I wish things had worked out differently, but every time you contact me, it's like the dagger in my heart goes in just a little bit further. I'd like to propose that, for now, it will be best for both of us if we agree to not contact each other anymore, for at least as long as it takes until it's not like a fresh wound every day. I know that you don't wish to hurt me any further, I know this is not your intention, but alas, this is the reality. I know this will be difficult and it’s not how you wanted things to end, but I can’t see any other way for us (or maybe just me) to move on from this. However, this is going to take a conscious effort on both of our parts, so I feel like I should explain my rationale and I hope that you agree."
I wanted to ease up the shock of the second sentence, which was basically "I'm cutting off contact." I was trying to ease her into your point of view, THEN lower the boom. Also, I wanted to emphasize that her trying to continue contact just hurt you, over and over again. A caring, feeling person would not want to do that. If she does insist on continuing contact despite knowing how much it hurts, there is something wrong with her.
I agree with pvtguy that you do need to work on moving on from this; you WILL survive and you will recover. It's difficult to see right now, because you're still too close.
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks pvtguy,
I actually haven't sent it yet. I wanted to see how you all thought it would be received.
I would do anything to have her back and she knows this. This would me my way of saying that I can't be 'just friends' right now; my way of saying him or me, and giving my blessing if it's not me. And, my explanation of all my differing actions.
I don't think it would slam the door necessarily. She has to agree to this or we still would have to work something out. I'm not telling her to leave me alone, I'm asking if she's would be ok with leaving me alone to salvage some happiness. If she would be too unhappy with this idea (because I know she still cares for me and wants us to be friends), then we have to come up with another solution together, but I can't keep going getting these little "I miss you"-type comments every so often and act like they don't affect me negatively.
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A
male
reader, Ed1337  +, writes (21 December 2008):
 I'm going through something similar, wish I could cut contact as well, but I would miss her too much, its also killing me when she tells me her boyfriend is meeting her over the weekend, I think its actually starting to make me feel physically sick.
If I was to cut contact, I don't think I would tell her, I would just do it, maybe then she would realise she had made a mistake by going back to a guy who has already messed her around once.
If you write a letter she might end up hating you for it, the real question is would you like to get back together with her? if you don't, then sure write her a letter, but if you would then just vanish and she might realise that she misses you too much to be apart.
There is another option, don't send the letter, just keep talking to her as a friend. It just means you will take longer to heal, but atleast you get to keep a friend and who knows what will happen in the future.
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