A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my brother in law has been thrown out of his home by his girlfriend because of his laziness. My husband's family (his 3 sisters) are financially well off and have space in their houses. We are poor and have no room. My father in law has a large property and is wealthy, he has a girlfriend, who refuses to have his son in the house. My brother in law stayed one night there and was made to feel so unwelcome, he phoned up my husband as he was upset. My husband is upset because I had a go at his father, but I feel totally put upon in my financial and housing position. My husband has received a letter from his father's girlfriend stating that he my husband disrespects his dad! My husband has been there for him for years, he was the only one to visit him when he was alone. Now my husband is getting the 'silent treatment' I am so annoyed with them all doing this to me xmas time. Do you think I am right, I wrote to my father in law telling him what I thought of him and his girlfriend.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionlast answer- you may be right in one part,the power she wields over mu husband, as for the 'money' absolutely a big NO! I wish FIL, was actually poorer, so my husband could have a life,however, i do not dislike money , everyone wishes to pay bills etc. I just wish his family was free of greed. my family puts love and helping family first
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2008): Reading between the lines I see envy on your part towards you father in laws gf and the power she is weilding by proxy towards your husband. Also the money/property thing.
There are a few ways of dealing with this, letting it all wash over you, moving area, divorcing your husband.
Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionpressed the wrong button, sorry i'm female. regarding the girlfriend, yes it definately is Father In Law business. he has a right to spend as he wishes. but what annoys me most is he demands my husband jump when anthing needs doing and makes my husband feel bad because of his age + bad back, he cannot manage things to suit himself giving my husband the guilt trip, then, enjoys holidays no problem with his mistress. btw, brother in law not seriously lazy just a 'bit' for about 2 months, he has worked for 6 years previous, you haven't got the wholew picture. my husband worries about his dad,in case he gets ill, thats why he runs rings round him
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008): You can't be thrown out your own home. It sounds like it wasn't his home.
You are down as male but with a husband, which is a little confusing.
Your brother in law needs to work if he isn't already. Then he can rent a room and make his way in life.
It's no use freeloading of folks he needs to learn the reality of life.
I don't think it's up to your father in law to take him in or you.
Its tough love.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (22 December 2008):
 It would be helpful to know what you said to them. I understand your frustration, but sometimes it's better for a wife/girlfriend to turn a blind eye to a family's dysfunctional antics, because it's almost guaranteed that even if they are at each other's throats, if an outsider (that is anyone who is not a blood relative) makes any criticisms or points out obvious idiocies, they will band together and poop all over the outsider. No matter what a great person she or he is, or how wonderful she or he is as an in-law. Unfair, I know, but true.
So your brother-in-law was kicked out for laziness? Why doesn't he find his own place? Maybe there's a reason he has this reputation for laziness?
If you need to get him to move out, it's not actually the rest of his family's problem. It's your husband's, as he invited him in, and thus yours.
If I were you, I would lay down some rules for staying in the house beyond a certain point, say 2 weeks. He has to contribute to the food and to the rent and utility bills. His full share, whatever that is. He doesn't have access to the family computer at will; he can check email once or twice a day, but the rest of the time, the computer is off. Ditto the television. And any computer games you might have. He can watch them WITH your husband, but not when everyone else has left for the day. The idea is to make it just uncomfortable enough without being inhumane to encourage him to find other living accomodations.
The one you really should be angry with is your husband. He's he one who invited this guy into your home. You're taking out your anger on the wrong people, to my mind. So instead of having a go at his father, who is not the culprit here, take a long look at the man who invited the B-I-L into your home. That would be your husband.
Another thing, your father-in-law is entitled to spend his money any way he wishes. If he wants to fund a permanent care home for incontinent cats and parrots with lisps, he is entitled to do this. If he wishes to spend money on a woman who is bringing him happiness, rather than on family who bring him misery, well, honestly, who can blame him?
So I think you owe your husband an apology, and your father-in-law. The girlfriend, well, maybe not so much. Just ignore her, politely, of course.
Families can be a huge pain in the backside, no question. But never ever try to get in between a parent and his or her child, unless there is abuse going on. They've known each other a lot longer, and have developed lifelong habits with each other. The habits may not be healthy or fun to watch, but they've established them on their own, without you. They actually have nothing to do with you at all, these habits or ways of relating to each other. Irritating, yes, annoying, yes, but your husband has to interact with his father (and the girlfriend) on his own terms; you don't need to ride to his defense. Now, no one should be coming in between you and your husband, either, the spousal bond trumps the rest, in my opinion.
So figure out how to apologize to your husband and start drafting that letter to the F-I-L. (If you would like me to help you compose it, I'd be happy to. You just have to show me the first letter, so we can see where we are, and I'm on holiday starting the 24th to January 2nd.)
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008): You may have overstepped the boundaries by sending that letter, depending what you said exactly. It wasn't really your place to tell him to shove his money. Your husband will be the one hurt over that. It was your husbands place to say something to his father, not yours...but since it's already been done, you will have to work on damage control! First and most importantly, try to patch things up with your husband! Explain to him that you acted out of anger at the way he and his brother were being treated, and it hurt you and made you angry. Apologize for interferring, and so on...
Sometimes we have to bite our tongues and keep our opinions to ourselves...especially when it comes to in-laws. We have to take a step back and let them fight it out among themselves. No matter how long you've been part of the family there are some people who will think of you as an outsider. Everything you said may have been on other's minds also but no one had the guts to say it and when money is envolved, there needs to be some tact and consideration. Your father-in-law sounds to be one who wouldn't think twice about cutting his sons out of the will. You may have cost your husband dearly.
you may have to apologize to Him and his girlfriend too if that's your husbands wishes. I know that won't be easy for you, but sometimes we have to swallow our pride when it comes to family!
Good Luck, I hope you can still have a Good Holiday and a Prosperous New Year!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't think it was that insulting, actually I praised him a bit, because he was good when his wife was ill. I also said he loved his children,(which he does) he is just a tight fisted man who manipulates them with money.His girlfriend won't leave her husband but is quite willing to have luxury holidays etc, I am not bothered at all if he spends the lot, I just wish he would respect my husband a bit, he really is a good man to him. He is not that assertive, I am a bit more unfortunately. But this time I have really blown up I have had enough!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso the girlfriend is spending my father in laws money like water (she has a husband) but my father in law is in love with her, everyone thinks she is a gold digger, but no one will tell him, for fear of being out of the will! when I wrote to his father saying what I thought of him, and her I told him to stuff his money up his xxx. Now my husband is fuming with me and won't talk to me. I am fed up with the whole of his families charade, they creep to him for his money. I am just sick of it, but now his girlfriend is giving both the guilt trip.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2008): Depends on what you said in the letter. Id give the silent treatment back... for a while. Id e inclined to live your own life and if it lasts for that long, get your husband to call his dad on his birthday.
For get about the girlfriend by arguing back she'l always win the fathers love, for the apple in his eyes will always come first especially after his chidren have grown up.
just give it time and space, enjoy your christmas with your husband and don't talk about it anymore to husband girlfriend or father.
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