A
female
age
41-50,
MinnieM
writes:Never agree to stop contact with a friend or an ex for your partner or girl/boyfriend. People ya'll have to realise that Not ONE of us in this world 'Belongs' to anyone else or is theirs exclusively, no other relationship in this life is exclusive (ie siblings, friendships, parent/child, teacher/pupil) you don't stop seeing your dog in-case your cat gets jealous!?!If you have a relationship with an ex define it for yourself first, Have you moved on!? Are there mixed emotions? Would you be happy to find they had moved on with their life?Then you can be honest with your partner and tell them exactly how you feel about your friend or ex and in turn how you feel about them!If this information is hurtful to them then so be it, love isn't love without some pain and I'm sure some pain caused by honesty is far better than a life spent not being able to trust anyone for lies and deceit.And to the jealous types out there, it's a true saying that if you Love them set them free, If your beloved gets tempted but returns to you faithfully then you KNOW you have a real commitment from them, if not then it can't have meant to be!If you try to control a situation(or anothers actions) , which quite frankly ISN'T within your control, or really yours TO control then your going to end up miserable or making them miserable.The only thing that it is right to demand is complete honesty, DO NOT accept or give anything less. The 3 strikes and your out is the only way to go with honesty, there's no such thing as a 'small' lie(or 'wee' lie to us Scots) a deception is a deception.If your partner or girl/boyfriend can't accept that you have other relationships with particular people then the problem is entirely theirs, not yours.
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reader, MinnieM +, writes (10 September 2010):
MinnieM is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOn the contrary it's very black n white & has to be to be sure that everyone knows exactly where they stand, I have my share of ex's one I'm friends with, one I stopped all contact with and one I gradually lost contact with over the years.
The one I stopped all contact with was MY decision because I knew he would not respect the boundary's that I'D set after we broke up. The ex I'm still friends with I'm grateful to have as a good friend & am sure he feels the same, as we have both moved on we now wish each other all the happiness we couldn't arrive at when we were together. The ex I lost contact with I don't regret as he was perhaps the only one I still have mixed feelings for, I'd be a liar if I said otherwise. My current partner is aware of my ex's and how I feel about them all. We have an understanding that if the ex I'm mixed about gets back into contact with me, that we'll cross that bridge when we come to it and I'll remain honest with him, I also promised that I would not seek contact with him without telling my partner first which I intend to honour. My current partner has a few ex's also, one he stopped all contact with, one who pesters him & he ignores and one who he remains friends with despite the fact she hurt him a great deal through her deceits. Again we have an understanding that if his feelings change toward the ex he ignores or any of them, all he has to do is say and we will talk it through. I'd rather know he was tempted by another way before he acted on any of those feelings.
Personally I would never agree to my boyfriend living with his ex in the first place, the reason that this situation makes the majority of us feel uncomfortable is because it's a bad situation, but then I'd never agree to stay with someone who was my ex either!
If anyone has feelings for more than one person at a time then unless they are lucky enough that both those people don't mind, they will have to choose, for themselves, there are three choices in this situation, to choose one of the two people they have feelings for, or to be with neither, if a partner tells us they have romantic etc feelings for another we have two choices, we either mind or we don't.
Lastly Jealousy is NEVER justified, If you can't trust your partner it's either because they are untrustworthy or because you wouldn't trust yourself in the same situation.
Untrustworthy includes those who act in ways that make us doubt them.
I trust my current partner 100%, that's not to say I will never be hurt by them in the future or vice versa, I cannot predict how my or their feelings my change in the future but I live with the hope they don't and the knowledge that we are open and honest with one another about our feelings.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010): I agree this article doesn't examine the intricacies of the relationship with the ex.
If an ex is still actively pursuing your partner then you have every right to be jealous or wary of their intentions. If your partner is feeding this by staying in contact with this ex and letting them continue, then that is a problem.
Having a partner feeding someones romantic intentions in them is a no-no and complete honesty isn't going to do any good. While you should be able to trust your partner, if they're leaving the door open for an ex to remain in their life, while that ex is busy trying to win them back then you have to question their own level of commitment.
Trust is based on respect, if you can't respect your partners feelings then how can they trust you to not to hurt them? You say pain part of love, well it's not when your partner is actively hurting you. The pain of missing someone is normal, the pain of having an ex sniffing around your partner is not.
So yeah set them free by dumping them. While no one belongs to anyone else, if you make a romantic commitment to someone then they're the only person in your life allowed to romance you, otherwise you should tell your partner early on that you're going to be going on dates and romancing others so we don't get caught up in it.
There are numerous other situations where talking to an ex, keeping contact with an ex is a bad thing. Timing, if you only recently broke up with up with them. The type of break up, matters, reasons they broke up etc. The frequency of contact, the level of intimacy that still exists between them. Have they been physically or emotionally intimate since they broke up?
There are lots of other cases where it is a bad thing but in general it is perfectly normal to be wary of someone that hasn't let go of their ex.
Far too often people jump into relationships without having fully healed after their last one, keeping in contact with an ex is often the first sign that they're not really over them. Asking yourself to define your relationship with your ex first is a good idea in theory but all too often we think we're over someone only to see them in person and have our feelings reignited.
You're right that it is the problem of the other person if they can't accept you having certain types of relationships and instead of hanging around to get hurt they should walk away. I have to say though, it's a lonely life if you can't compromise on something like this for the sake of the relationship. If you think you can have any kind of relationship you want with other people while expecting your partner to just accept that you don't care how they feel about it, then you should expect nothing more from them and shouldn't even be getting into monogamous relationships in the first place.
But hey, if you don't mind that your partner is still maintaining close personal ties to their ex, then good luck to you. Just remember jealousy is justified when your partner is giving another person what they promised only to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): I have to disagree with this article. While it would be nice that the world is in black and white, it's not. Some people might be jealous of ex's for no reason, and some people are jealous for a Real Legitimate Reason. It all comes down to trust.
Yes, they are your ex for a reason, but if you are still friends then there has to still be some residual feelings. Personally I think it's better to not have temptation hanging around. It's safer for everyone. Why are your ex's still your friends? Are you still interested in them? Are they still interested in you? It is a rare situation that when you break up you stay in contact.
I guess technically I'm one of those "jealous" types. I had a boyfriend who lived with his ex. Being the person I am, when we started dating I calmly talked it out with him. And told him I was uncomfortable with the situation, but that since he didn't have much money and that good roommates were hard to find, that as long as he didn't kiss her/ sleep with her / flirt ect. that I would be willing to trust him and give him the benefit of the doubt. She wasn't a huge fan of me, but I brought her gifts and birthday presents and tried to win her over.
Lo and behold a year later his roommate is pregnant with his kid and I'm being berated for not being supportive of him during this tough situation he's going through. The thing about this situation is this, I knew she was an ex, I knew she still had feelings for him and he swore he didn't have feelings for her. But in the end it didn't matter.
Having ex's around is asking for trouble. "jealousy" is often an early warning sign that your significant other is doing something shady, or that at least makes you uncomfortable.
personally it sounds like the writer of this article wants to have their cake and eat it too. Having Ex's around and boyfriend/girlfriends around seems dubious. They are ex's for a reason. As to stopping contact with friends? That is over the line. If you can find someone that doesn't care what you do, great. But in my experience it comes back to bite you in the end.
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