A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I got into an arguement last evening. He was having a beer during dinner and kept on commenting how good the beer tastes throughout dinner and after dinner. While then, I said to him that flowers are nice to give, especially if one didn't get anything on Valentine's day.. and flowers show some appreciation. The point was I got nothing this year, and all the years before I always got flowers. I felt unappreciated so I let him know. He fireballed at me and became angry and started to yell and put me down and brought out how unsuccessful I am because I haven't finished my schooling. I stood there just taking in all in while cleaning up after the dinner, he kept on going with my failures, to the point that he said "I wish you were dead because you have made no progression". A husband who loves his wife doesn't say things like that to her right?? I feel like I'm going insane since I'm bottling up on the inside from everything he says. [Added]to my original post: he had one beer only, he doesnt drink much unless it is at a party...when he feels like having a beer to dinner, he only will drink one to add flavour to the dinner depending on the dinner i cooked.
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male
reader, FellowMan  +, writes (18 May 2009):
We all fall out and argue from time to time, thats part of married life, and we say things to each other in temper, we wouldnt otherwise say. Its not nice what he said to you, it never is when we argue (thats why its called an argument). Catch him when he,s in a happy mood and tell him your upset by what he said, then both let it go and move on.
Take Care and hope things work out.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (18 February 2008):
 That is mental and emotional abuse. He married you knowing your background and he should not make that an issue.
No loving husband would ever speak like that to his wife.You don't pull the ground from under your feet.He is humiliating and trying to control and manipulate you.
He is shifting the blame on you for not giving you anything for Valentine's day.
Some women would just pack their bags and leave immediately .You cook, wash and give him sex and this is what you get from an ungrateful man.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (18 February 2008):
 You ever stop to think about how this started? Your updated post says he had 1 beer. You came at him with the flowers thing. There has to be something you are not telling us here. This is not a natural progression in an argument,by any means. For an admonishment about flowers leading to wishes of death, you are either leaving something out of this, or you both need serious counseling.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2008): We can hurt the ones we love the most, Love unfortunately does not stop some people from being nasty because it can't overcome everything. Some men when they have problems can get very caught up in themselves (i have noticed this) and the people around them, whom they love and care for, can get the brunt of it. I know this because my ex partner was like this and my current on/off partner is similar but not nearly as bad! I feel that the issue is really what is acceptable to you in terms of his behaviour. He sounds like he is feeling disappointed with himself (and he may have felt guilty or ashamed about not getting you a V day present) so he is picking on any insecurities that you have in order to project his own miseries about himself AND to deflect his shortcomings onto you.Is he a spectacularly successful uber educated high flier himself that he has the right to talk to you like that? In my experience men criticise their women about education and stuff when they have issues with their own selves. I have to say that beer can be a devil of a drink for some people - I HATE AND DREAD my partner drinking beer because he actually can get quite nasty when he has had beer and not only that, he wakes up in a bad mood however wine makes him chatty and affectionate! It sounds to me as though you were trying to be tactful and not cause an argument and he took your comment as a 'sideways kick' so he probably thinks you were being manipulative or cunning whilst in fact you were just trying to be tactful. I agree with the poster who said you should discuss it with him. He most certainly should apologise for his behaviour. If he has 'issues' about where you are both going as individuals in terms of your own personal goals and achievements re education etc, then he can discuss this with you in a calm polite manner! Some people just get drunk and say all kinds of nonsense and I think that alcohol can distort the thinking and perceptions of someone's mind, so whilst drunk they may see things in a negative/warped light (just my thoughts ....).Don't know if this any comfort or help but once upon a time (!) my niece told her favourite Aunt 'I wish you were dead' in a fit of temper. She earned herself a slapped face from her mother for saying it but Aunt was in tears of distress as she has been a devoted and committed Auntie. Afterwards, niece said she didn't even know why she said it and was 'appalled' at herself she said was frustrated in herself and angry and during an argument they were having about something trivial she just spat it out and regretted it later. IT sounds as though your husband does not communicate very well It could be a warning that there are some issues in the marriage which might benefit from marriage guidance counselling/therapy?? He is out of order talking to you like that and I agree with the poster who said life is too short to put up with it. If you can sort it out all well and good but if he is going to be like this ongoing then it will damage you in the end and you are young. Let's hope it is a one off and it all gets sorted but one thing is for sure, if it gets swept under the carpet and is not sorted out, it will happen again. Good luck xx
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A
female
reader, Dawnie +, writes (17 February 2008):
 Hi there, things get said in the heat of the moment and often we regret what we say almost immediately.
However your husband needs to apologise for his behaviour which was appalling even if he was drunk at the time.
You need to talk with him (not at him) at an appropriate time and get this sorted. Hopefully he is man enough to come to you first and want to have a talk and explain why he was so hurtful in what he said. If he refuses to talk and sort this out then i think you should look at your options and decide what you want, maybe this was a one off. Only you know the answer to that. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2008): No, that is something that shouldnt be said, but if he had a few beers then it could be that talking, but dont sit back and take it, what makes him so good? Ask him what gives him the right to come out with stuff like that, tell him that you are not going to be spoken to like that and stop the crap now. Dont listen. You should of gone into another room and told him to stop talking to you like that, you dont deserve that. If he does it again, question him and throw some f..ks back at him. I wouldnt take that shite of anyone, sorry, but life is too short.
take care
xx
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A
female
reader, didapoo +, writes (17 February 2008):
 No he shouldnt, but he might not think about what he says before he says it. Has he always been like this, or is this new? As far as flowers go, if one year he forgets, that might be because of stress. But if its a sudden change, and he stays verbally abusive, and acts hatefull, think about the possibility that he is doing something that he feels guilty about. Telling you that he wishes you were dead because you havent finished schooling is pretty fake, no one hates someone because of that. It sounds like he is trying to hurt you, on purpose. If that is the case, maybe you need to talk to him, and ask if he still loves you. What does he say? Start there, and see what happens.
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A
female
reader, bemused  +, writes (17 February 2008):
 Hi hun.
I read your post three times to get a sense of what could have happened here. It looks like a combination of things set this confrontation off. The question you asked concerned if this is the action of a loving husband.
First things first. You mentioned he was into the beers...was he kind of intoxicated when this exhange took place. You chose this paticular time to express your disappointment about not getting flowers...the combination of the beers and you being fired up ( rightly so) probabably did not help.
From what you mention this was a personal attack. Is this a pattern in your relationship or more or less a one off? If it is a pattern this relationship is not built on a healthy foundation of mutual respect and is troubled. For the sake of your self regard and esteem you both may need martial counselling.
If it is a one off it would strike me that he is feeling guilty or troubled about something. Might there be someone else he might have met. This is not good news and I would think that he does care to the extent that he is trying to justify what could be going on by cruelly putting you down...again uncalled for and out of line.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (17 February 2008):
 How many beers did your husband have? Could it have been the beer talking? At any rate, no, husbands should not be saying things like that to their wives.
I will tell you that if you felt bad that you didn't get flowers for Valentine's Day you should have been straight out with that telling him how it made you feel. The way you told us what happened it kind of seems like you came at him sideways and he got defensive. So instead of telling him how you felt, you were putting him down.
Even so, he had no right to tell you he wished you were dead. He owes you an apology and and explanation as to why he said those things. You need to find a way to talk to him and explain in terms of your feelings, don't be critical of him. IE: Last night when you told me you wished I were dead it hurt me. If he wants to avoid the conversation you will need to give him a day or two to cool off. However, you do need to have a discussion about this. He obviously has frustrations about you that he is not sharing either because his comments came out sideways too.
Take care and let us know how it goes.
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