A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:OK. My spouse basically admitted that she has/or had a crush on one of our male friends. She says that I should be fine with it because she would never cheat on me. I told her that I find her affection for the guy, the way she looks at him, hangs on his every word, laughs at all his jokes - even right in front of me - to be extremely hurtful. She sticks by her guns that so long as their is no cheating, a little flirting is harmless. She says she wouldn't mind if I did it sometimes. She says that it would be a shame if I am going to throw away one of our friendships (a couple) just because I can't keep my emotions under control. She says everyone, married or single, has crushes once in a while, and I basically need to get over it.I am curious as to what other people think about this "crush is normal" idea - particularly those of you who are married.
View related questions:
crush, flirt Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2012): Yes to most of the messages here. A little flirting is generally harmless, given that it can be a social thing and is often just an interaction between two people that often know each other or are trying to keep a conversation light. A crush, as has been pointed out, is akin to an obsession. If you can remember what a crush is like from teenage years, it is consuming. You can't stop thinking about someone, you have a definitive desire for that person if the opportunity came up (most crushes tend to be unrequited in my experience).
The fact that she is flirting with him having admitted to having a crush on him is what really makes this bad behaviour. She is acting on the feelings she has even though you have asked her not to, and she has the nerve to blame it on YOUR feelings about it. If she has a crush, she should be doing her best to control and push it aside until it fades away (as all crushes do), not actively pursue it whilst throwing it in your face.
In my opinion you need to have a good talk with her and tell her that she needs to control HER feelings for him and that if she can't respect you enough to not flirt with him, knowing that she desires him in some way, then she is probably not worth hanging around for.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2012): Her whole attitude towards you sucks TBH she is arrogant and without feeling. The ideal candidate for having an affair or fling
Tell her to keep HER emotions under control or you will show her the door, shes makin a fool outa you honey x
...............................
A
male
reader, Paradise_Lost  +, writes (2 April 2012):
 I'd be unhappy if my partner has a crush on someone else. Usually thoughts lead to actions.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): Personally, I think she just wants a green card to grow her fantasies and push boundaries with this guy. I think she wants him, and is now just using you as a safety net, I think flirting is harmless, thinking someone is hot is somewhat harmless, but having a crush on someone is not. Crushes happen of course, but it's the fact that she wants to remain and grow close to this person- she's playing with fire. I dont for a minute believe she wouldn't cheat if given the opportunity
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): it's normal for everyone even if married to still occasionally get attracted to other people. But it's also the case that if you're married then your first priority should be to show restraint out of respect to your spouse, and only secondarily to freely express your feelings of having a crush on someone else. it's not wrong of her to feel attracted to him since she can't help her feelings. But it is wrong of her to outwardly behave in ways that make you highly uncomfortable, knowing that you do get uncomfortable. That's called being inconsiderate. she's the one who's out of control, not you.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 April 2012):
 I’m a huge flirt. If it hurt my partner I would stop flirting with that person.
She’s got it totally backwards btw that you would be the cause of the end of the friendship… it’s HER behavior that is throwing away the friendship. It’s her emotions that are not under control and she’s just blaming it on you.
While everyone has crushes… if your partner asks you to NOT voice it or act on it or throw it in their face, it’s important that you HEAR what they are saying and RESPECT your partner enough to do what they request.
Yeah I had a crush when I was married. I’m engaged to him now. Yep that’s right my ability to ACT on my crush signaled the end of my marriage.
She’s out of line if she is acting on her behavior.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 April 2012):
 YOU don't need to get over this SHE does. I'd tell her to knock this nonsense off immediately.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): I'll add that i think it is wrong she is aaking you to control your feelings. That is precisely whatSHE should be doing
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 April 2012):
 Uhm. I don't believe that " crushes are normal " and yet I belong to the " flirting is normal " kind of school.
Because they are two very separate things that originate from different psychological needs and attitudes.
Flirting is just bantering and posturing, basically. It's sort of a social mating dance , only everybody KNOWS already that there will be no mating at the end. It's something that 's innocuous, even appropriate in some occasions and social circles. You compliment me and throw a couple of vaguely naughty jokes my way, I respond in kind. We both enjoy the mutual attention, and feel secretly reassured that we still " got it " and that we are both so brilliant and charming. Vain and frivolous, perhaps, but harmless. At the end of the dinner or the party, we go home, and we totally cancel each other from our memory and consciousness... till the next party.
A crush mean THINKING about a person, and thinking a lot. It means investing time, fantasies and emotions in another person, and I don't think that any husband or wife could be overjoyed about it. A crush is actually WISHING you could somehow , some way, some day , be with that other person- so it's a few steps ahead that just flirting, or just liking the attention.
I think it can be very small comfort to the official partner that he would never be physically betrayed. Maybe he would not be betrayed only because the " crusher " does not want to face the social and practical consequences of a complete betrayal; which is not very flattering or reassuring to the official partner.
Kudoos to your wife for being so open and upfront about her feelings - but the real question is, why a presumably happily married woman falls in love - sort of - with another person. Maybe it's a sign that there are issues in the marriage that would need to be addressed, not jsut swept under the rug with the razionalitation that " crushes are normal ".
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 April 2012):
 I think flirting CAN be harmless, but only if both parties (husband & wife) feels that way. The fact that your wife doesn't hide it, but does in right in front of you can be taken two ways;
1. She isn't trying to hide anything and is sure that you know exactly what she does/says.
2. she doesn't care what you may feel. She will do what she wants to do, when she wants to do it.
Personally, I have never had a crush on a friend. But I have had celebrity "crushes", which my hubby finds funny (and yes he has them too). I think they are harmless for the most part. But when you crush on a "real" person I think it can get tricky, because at some point it stops being a "fantasy" (or crush) and someone is bound to overstep their normal boundaries.
However, what it comes down to is respect and trust. I think you wife needs to consider how it makes you feel and respect that. And you need to trust your wife and your friend.
One thing you didn't mention in all this is the guy's wife, how does she seem to take all this flirting between her husband and your wife?
...............................
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (2 April 2012):
 I feel a crush on another person when you are in a relationship is not ok.
Having said that, flirting a bit with others is fine. I have discussed this with my partner and we have a rule with each other: it's fine to flirt as long as it goes no further than a little flirty. And if someone tries to make a move you make it very clear you are in a relationship. That we trust each other in this regard is something that makes our relationship stronger we feel.
A crush is something else than flirting however. It's desire. It's how you feel about someone, not what you do. You could have a huge crush with no flirting at all, or flirt like crazy with no crush.
...............................
A
male
reader, Uncle PJ  +, writes (2 April 2012):
 I think the crush is definitely a possibility amongst married people. Once you've been with someone a long time it easy to fall under the spell of someone else who gives you just as much attention. But I do think your wife is right when she says a crush is a crush and it won't turn into something physical.
However, I don't believe having a crush on someone other than your partner can be too healthy. I think you have every right to be slightly worried but if she's not going to listen to you, then don't waste your breath and just your worries in your head.
What would be quite interesting is to see if you can call her bluff. She says that she is fine if you did it once in a while. Why don't you try it? Don't go over the top on flirting to make it extremely obvious just do it subtly enough to make your wife aware.
Her reaction to this would make the situation clearer. If it did make her jealous and it turns out that she doesn't like it, then tell her that's how she has made you feel in the past and try to agree to not do it. But if is has no effect then you must accept that it doesn't matter to her as long as nothing physical happens.
I can understand how her flirting would make you feel territorial and would love for them both to back off. But if you trust her enough and she's not going to stop then you need to ignore it, knowing that she still loves you and only you. As I said, keep your worries to yourself but still keep a close eye just to make sure she's still faithful. I hope this helps and wish you all the luck for the future.
...............................
|
