A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Women, is it OK for your man to try to control what you wear? My wife sometimes wears very revealing clothing when we go out. I like it. I can see people stare. i dont mind that so much because in those instances she is clearly taken.Lately she has gone out wearing some of these things out with others when I am not there. I told her I do not like this; that she is sending out a message to everyone that is not consistent with her being a happily married woman. She is sending out a message to men that she wants you to look down her top at her breasts, that their oggling gets her excited, that she wants and enjoys their male sexual attention.She did not react well to this. She says I am being overly controlling, that I should know she would never cheat so that is all that should matter. She says it makes her feel pretty and happy. I shouldn't care what other men think, because she has the ultimate say whether something will happen, and she never would let it.What do you all think? What. if anything, can or should I do or say to get her to respect my feelings...
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male
reader, SecondTime +, writes (4 January 2017):
My wife likes to wear very revealing clothing now, even when it's inappropriate and I'm partly to blame for it. I've been encouraging her to wear sexier clothing when we go out together and often she lets me pick out what I want her to wear. This includes a tight pair of jeans or leggings, short skirts or dresses, snug tops, heels or boots, etc. I loved how she looks and like to see other men and women check her out. I've complemented here and encouraged her.My wife is 46 and has been getting very fit over the past couple of years. (5'2' 109lbs) The past year though she's been wearing these outfits as her normal wardrobe. She wears skirts or dresses with heels 3-4 times a week. All are short and some are inappropriately short barely covering her underwear. She donated anything that was lower than mid thigh. All her pants are form fitting and she wears legging that show every aspect of her privates. Her tops are snug and show off her natural 34C breasts. Her part time work is very laxed so there is no specific dress code fortunately. Otherwise she'll go to my daughters high school in an outfit that violates their dress code. She'll go to Target, the grocery store, Home Depot, out to eat, the mall, the doctor, to the movies or out to lunch/dinner with her girlfriends frequently in very sexy and skin reveaaling outfits. Last week she came back from Target in wearing a short white loose skirt that just covered her butt cheeks, a tan clingy shirt that is shear on the top and her new suede boots with a 3" heel that goes to her thighs. They are incredibly sexy but at Target? As she was putting away the stuff that she bought, I could see her purple thong as the bottom of her skirt lifted up. All her underwear are very sexy now - nothing cotton. All lace, shear or silky. Many thongs and occasionally she'll wear none. If we go to social events, the husbands and other men can't keep her eyes off of her and the other wives are usually looking at her scornfully and jealous. She gets hit on all the time now and she just blushes and brushes it off. If I comment about her dress or say I can see her underwear, she brushes me off and says that I'm just jealous. She says she feels great and loves showing off her body especially her legs (which are very nice btw). Two years ago she was so self conscious to wear a skirt or a dress that was mid thigh around the house and especially on a date. Now she wears these and shorter as normal attire.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2012): I think it's understandable to feel the way you do, but trying to tell your wife what to wear will just cause problems in your relationship.
My wife likes to wear extremely sexy clothing, even when it's inappropriate. She will go to our child's halloween party at school (He's 6 years old) wearing a super short skirt, high heels, low cut top etc. We went to a social event the other day, and she wore a super-revealing French Maid "fantasy" outfit we'd gotten from Frederick's of hollywood. I guy she didn't know walked up to her and asked her is she could go back to his hotel room with her. She often wears skin tight pants that clearly show her privates (i.e. a distinct camel toe) She got sent home from work last week because her clothing was too revealing and it violated the dress code. She got written up for inappropriate clothing at her last job. She was asked to leave a pool party last year because there were families there and she was wearing a tiny thong.
But, she insists that thongs, high heels, super tight short skirts, low cut tops, etc are more "comfortable" and she insists on wearing it (she's 36 years old). I have a "high prestige" career, and it is very embarrasing when she wears highly inappropriate clothing to social events. She often stands out like a sore thumb. But, I've learned to just keep my mouth shut and not say anything because she's not going to change.
You can take the girl out of the trash, but you can't take the trash out of the girl.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 April 2012):
 Tennisstar88 said cleavage and foot...
oy is TOE cleavage allowed? I personally think toe cleavage is sexy.... if a guy had a foot fetish would his wife/gf not be allowed to wear shoes with toe cleavage???
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 April 2012):
 "As a guy who has that kind of body I can tell you that biceps are the male equivalent to cleavage in the sense that I catch women checking them out all the time and very often they don't even realize they were looking."
So true.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2012): "The American fascination with the female breast cracks me up. Please. BREASTS were invented to NOURISH YOUR CHILDREN. Y’all are in love with some oversized sweat glands.. .BREAST milk is nothing more than a specialized form of sweat…
She's not showing off her Hoo-haw or her bum is she?"
What's confusing about that? Breasts are awesome. As for Hoo-haws and bum-bums, that's where we pee and poop from. Hoo-haws excrete a rotten smelly mess of bloody-goop for 5 days each month too hehe, yet somehow it's a very sexy part of the female body.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2012): "Finally, I wonder, how would turn about be received? No one want to see my bits and pieces I know. But what if I openly ogle women, comment to them re how hot they are, what a sexy dress, whoa you are smokin tonight, etc. would you all tell her that she has no right to try to put a damper on my just expressing myself?"
That's not the same OP and you know it. It's not like she's ogling other guys and drooling over them. She's just been one of the very few very lucky women that has come out of child birth with an even better body than before. Most women I know the opposite has happened, they've gone from slim and toned to having weight they find exceptionally hard to shift, lots of deep stretch marks, cellulite and a loose belly that never really returns to being firm. In my experience it's more common for women to be dissatisfied with their figures after child birth.
OP the true reverse is pretty much what happened to me. I went from being obese to rock hard and toned. I had soft chubby muscles, I'm short and bald, so I wasn't exactly what you would consider an Adonis and I never really cared about the clothes I wore either. I reached a point where I no longer liked being that way so I worked out to the point where my physique is enviable. So I started wearing skin tight tops, tank tops and even how I walked kind of changed too. As a guy who has that kind of body I can tell you that biceps are the male equivalent to cleavage in the sense that I catch women checking them out all the time and very often they don't even realize they were looking. You know there is a very distinct good feeling of pride and ego when I catch girls having a look or when girls ask to run their hand over my abs or grip my pecs (something which I don't allow unless it's my girlfriends idea because she wants other girls to be jealous that her guy has them). That's something I would find it very hard to give up because I've worked damn hard for this body and having others appreciate it is a very addictive feeling. It would be like owning a 1965 Ford Mustang in mint condition and only driving it on roads where no one would see it.
OP having the things we are proud of admired and complimented by others is a great feeling but when it comes to your wives breasts that's something that won't last forever so you should let her enjoy it while she can. Just try and remember the good feeling she gets from both men and women admiring her ample mammaries far outweighs any discomfort you may have about her showing them off for the simple fact that it doesn't mean she'll ever cheat, as a sexual entity those breasts belong to you, and you only and how is her feeling good, feeling pride in herself and her body a bad thing?
OP you're a guy, it doesn't matter what a girl is wearing, impressive tits are impressive tits in any clothing, we can tell they are and we will check them out and imagine what they look like with bra off regardless of how well covered they are. Showing a bit extra just makes them "pop" more and you know this.
Let her enjoy this while she can, having a happy, confident partner is far more important than the discomfort you get from a few extra stares.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (4 April 2012):
 Ok fine, if the shoe was on the other foot and you had this particularly, ripped, toned physique of where you wanted to show off your upper body so you walked around with your shirt off every chance you got. We can't say you walk around with your wanker hanging out because genitalia isn't attractive to look at.
Now, your wife would absolutely be proud to show you off to any woman who passed by. Making you her "trophy husband". Sure, every woman would be ogling at your pecs and run into a wall, but your wife is encouraging this behavior. She likes what she sees and so does everyone else. You not only have a smoking hot bod which everyone is responding to with positive behavior, including your enabler (your wife) but CONFIDENCE!
You see you encouraged this clothing and essentially your wife's new found self confidence in her body. But now you want her to tone it down. That's STILL CONTROLLING. You can try to justify it every which way you want, but at the end of the day she's going to do what she wants.
Personally, I think you should be proud of her assets and that she's still got it at her age.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 April 2012):
OP I was reading your reply while talking to my fiancé. I asked him if he felt that men have less respect for HIM if I dress sexy (the way he likes me… short skirts, high heels and cleavage).. and he smirked and said “NO” and added “tell the man who asked the question to get over his insecurity, if he likes her dressing sexy with him he has to like it when she’s NOT with him too”
The American fascination with the female breast cracks me up. Please. BREASTS were invented to NOURISH YOUR CHILDREN. Y’all are in love with some oversized sweat glands.. .BREAST milk is nothing more than a specialized form of sweat…
She's not showing off her Hoo-haw or her bum is she?
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (3 April 2012):
"I think the other men also have less respect for ME because of it. I become like their fool, as I leave my wife's rack out there for them all to ogle at."
I believe this is the center of it all. This is what it comes down to. YOU feel like a fool because of her actions.
I know the feeling. Don't think that just because I argue that your wife should wear what she wears I don't know how it feels to be in your shoes. I do. But I know myself well enough to know that there are TWO ways to look at this. One way creates insecurity, makes you feel like a fool, and creates drama. This is the path you're currently on. I've been there, I know. I've watched girls cling on my boyfriend and grab at him, one even pulling him aside to flash him her boobies! First reaction was that I was being made a fool out of, because people saw the way she touched him, and it was inappropriate. And he LET her.
The other way to go about it mentally is to give a flying hoot about what others think. Screw what everyone else thinks. That's on them. What they think doesn't mean you are a fool, you know you are not a fool. They can talk all they want, doesn't have to mean ANYTHING, unless you let it. Instead of caring, say screw what they think, and go with it. They'll be the ones to look at you in envy, envying how you can have such a hot wife who shows off, yet with all the attention she gets it is YOU she goes home to every day. You're the winner. So just grin. That's what I figured out. This girl was all over my boyfriend, and although he did tell her off eventually he let it get too far in my eyes before he pushed her off. But he did push her off, he didn't let her get too far according to his personal boundaries, and I know where those boundaries are.
But she was all over him because.. well, I am sure she'd like to have him if she could. But she cant. I however, can. It's me he comes home with once the party is over, and she's left alone.
It's all about how you choose to look at it. You have that choice. You can try to stop her, and create drama and insecurity in the process. Or you can build up your own confidence and see this in another light: you have a hot wife, who other men desire, and YOU are the one who gets to see what other men just get a tease of. It should give you quite the ego boost.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2012): Thanks for all your replies - very illuminating. My wife basically emerged from years of having babies as a very attractive woman for her age with, I am not sure how to say this without being crass - really nice natural breasts. She now likes wearing stuff that puts them on a platter, for everyone to see. Often her clothing is very low cut, to the point where men can easily see down into her chest and see most of her breast - except maybe no nipple. I can barely help staring, and I have seen them a million times. Knowing what guys say to each other, I do know the impression this has on men. "whoa, did you see that woman's....". Or,Dude, his wife's ... are just out there for your viewing pleasure". Then, they would like nothing more than to engage her in conversation so that they can stare into her chest. My wife apparantly gets a thrill out of letting them, or encouraging them to do so. I should also add that her dress is much more revealing than any of the other women with whom we associate. This all makes me uncomfortable. I think the other men also have less respect for ME because of it. I become like their fool, as I leave my wife's rack out there for them all to ogle at.All of this makes me uncomfortable. I Bear some responsibility, as I encouraged her to dress like this for my pleasure when we go out. Maybe she likes the attention she got from others on those occasions, and now wants it all the time...A lot of your posts seem to assume that I am asking her to wear a burka. I am just asking her to wear clothes where 90% of her breasts are. It plainly visible. Or, to say it another way, to just dress like all the other women we know and associate with.Finally, I wonder, how would turn about be received? No one want to see my bits and pieces I know. But what if I openly ogle women, comment to them re how hot they are, what a sexy dress, whoa you are smokin tonight, etc. would you all tell her that she has no right to try to put a damper on my just expressing myself?
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (3 April 2012):
So just to get things straight, I have some relevant questions...
1. Is this "skanky" clothing what attracted to you to her in the first place? Or did she start dressing like this at a different time in your marriage?
2. How revealing are we talking? Short dresses that look more like tops, micro mini skirts, cropped tops with under boob??
3. Has she had a boob job or large breasts? Hence the need to put the girls on display.
So the problem is you like her dressing slutty, but you don't like her doing it when you're not around to show her off? You feel that she's advertising herself.
You can't exactly encourage her slutty dressing when you're with her, and tell her she has to wear a turtleneck when you're not in her company! That IS controlling.
Even when you're married, there's limitations on what you can tell your spouse to do. You can simply ask her to tone down her slutty attire, whether she's out with you or on a solo errand running. BUT, you can't make her do anything AND you also have to respect her feelings.
Does your wife really need to take it down a notch due to your insecurity of how she dresses when she's not around you? No, you should be comfortable enough in your marriage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): It depends on why she's suddenly made this change.
I agree with the other posters about it being her choice but why the sudden change?
My girlfriend dresses sexier on nights out with her girlfriends than she does with me. She's always been that way and it's because she likes the looks she gets, she likes to feel desired, she likes to look good and she wants to be the prettiest girl there and get lots of compliments. That's fine with me, it makes her happy and she'd never cross a line so I'm not bothered.
I think it's the change in behaviour that's most worrying. Even the other way around, that's worrying. My girlfriend stopped making that effort when going out with friends for a few weeks, kept herself covered when heading out with them and I have to say I was quite alarmed. Now I'm not exactly a fan of guys leering at her but something had changed and I needed to know why. I turned out that a skanky bitch of an ex-friend of hers thought it would be great to make her into a laughing stock one night because her tights ripped and her cellulite was showing. Started calling her orange peel and stuff and my girlfriend got very down about herself for a few weeks afterwards and she pretended nothing was wrong that she didn't "feel the need" to anymore. Basically she knew I'd tear her friend pieces for what happened if she told me. One of her other friends told me what had happened eventually and after taking time to cheer her up, making a bit of an extra effort to make her feel confident again and making sure her "friend" was no longer a part of her life. She kind of snapped out of it.
What's the point of my big long winded story? Girls appearance and their confidence are very closely linked, any major changes to their appearance is done for confidence or because of lack of confidence.
The best approach you can take is to tell her you love the way she looks and the only reason you're a little bit uncomfortable is because you're feeling a bit territorial, just ask her why the sudden change and tell her you support her completely if it makes her happy.
If you want her to respect your feelings then respect hers. If you can understand why she wants to feel beautiful while out even when you're not around, then she'll be able to understand why you're uncomfortable with it but glad that you're willing to get over it let her be happy and confident. You only stand to benefit dude, while all these other guys can look, it's you that gets to enjoy what she has to offer and when she's feeling happy and sexy then that's 100 times better.
I like nothing better than being woken up by my drunken girlfriend after she's been out dancing all night with almost nothing on. She becomes a wild woman, because all those good vibes she gets, all the male attention and all the built up sexual energy has to go somewhere.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 April 2012):
It is NOT ok for my man to control how I dress EXCEPT for DATE night in our home. If you like how she dresses revealing when she is with you then you can’t expect her to dress differently when she goes out on her own especially if she dresses that way to please herself.
I don’t agree that dressing in a manner that is pleasing to the eye of the opposite sex indicates that she is not a happily married woman. How does what she wear indicate her level of happiness in her marriage? To be honest if she is happy with herself and her marriage and she wants to look her best, then dressing in a pleasing manner to herself is the way to do it. What she broadcasts is that she’s happy and secure with herself and has self-esteem.
You are being overly controlling. She is correct. She could wear sweat pants and sweat shirts and no makeup and still be cheating on you… she’s right that it’s all about her bottom line which clearly is that she’s a hot sexy lady who’s totally committed to her marriage.
When my partner scoffs at my clothes for work (I favor casual pants and flats for work but he prefers me in skirts and heels at all times) I tell him “you have a say in DATE night only” and he has to accept that.
While you may think she does not respect your feelings, she probably does by addressing that you are not in any danger of her cheating….
I do not think there is much you can or should do to try to get her to dress differently.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (2 April 2012):
It's never okay for a man to control what a woman wears unless you live by Sharia-law. Sorry, but in the Western world this is a no-no. You wouldn't like it if she told you what you can and can't wear, or when and with whom. You feel that she is sending out a "message" of sorts. I don't think she feels the same way about it. To you it might be a message. To lots of other people it might also be a shout for attention. But then again, and without having seen her outfits, she probably just wears it because SHE likes it. Women who dress for themselves feel good about themselves, and become confident. It is a bit more difficult to be confident while wearing baggy clothes where you totally disappear, just because your husband told you to. See my point? I think you should rule other men out of the equation and look at just you and her. She wants to dress up, it makes her happy. It's her body as well. You like her dressing up, you think she looks good, you enjoy the view. Sounds to me like two great things that are working for you both. The only problem is when you start to think about what other men see, what other men will think, what other men might believe or do etc. But.. they're not relevant to your marriage, are they? So they might think that she is single. Doesn't mean she is, and doesn't mean they got a shot with her. She is wearing her wedding ring after all. And who said women should only be dressing to impress prior to marriage... I think she does respect your feelings, but you also need to respect HER feelings, and her right to dress however she pleases. It is her body after all, and while you are married to her she will not sleep with anyone else, she's not violating her promises of marriage. I think you need to take a good look at exactly why you have so strong feelings about the way she dresses. Are your fears rooted in something else perhaps? Perhaps you aren't feeling like you are happily married, even though you said you both were. Maybe you worry she isn't happy? Maybe you and her have landed in a rut and don't do fun things together lately? Maybe your uneasiness about her clothing is rooted in something completely different. Try to figure out what. Because if you try to tell her what she can dress... you'll not be headed anywhere good. It'll just lead to a fight, it'll make her miserable if you get your way. And a miserable wife will make a miserable marriage and a miserable husband as well. You can't MAKE someone do as you want to. You can merely ask and explain your feelings. If she doesn't agree then she doesn't agree. You can't make her, if she wont do it out of her own free will. Instead try to go the complete opposite, let her do whatever she wants. If you try to hold on too tight she'll just react by going to the extremes to wrestle out, such as wearing even more sexy outfits when you're not around. However if you let it go, let her do her thing and don't say or care about it any further, she'll be more likely to tone it down by herself. You've already told her. She knows. Try to give her free reigns and see what happens. She might just tone it down once you let go and don't try to control her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 April 2012):
 Yes, you are being controlling when you try and decide WHAT she can wear and HOW she looks when she goes out.
Honestly, a woman (like your wife) who is full of self esteem and confidence doesn't give off a "I'm not happily married, quite the contrary). She is a "big" girl and can dress herself. She isn't "sending out messages" LOOK AT MY BOOBIES BOYS!!" she is sending out a message that she is proud of the way she looks, that she feels secure in her own skin and that she doesn't give a flying fart what anyone else thinks (perhaps besides you when she is out with you).
And you are fooling yourself if guys would ogle her if she wore a potato sack instead. Confidant women attracts attention.
So either YOU trust her or you don't - your choice. For you to expect that she dresses like a "nun" when you are not around is just plain ridiculous.
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