A
male
age
51-59,
*etey
writes:Two months ago a girl I dated 20 years ago contacted me through a website. I'm 38 and she is 36 now. We haven't been in touch since then although we've been looking for each other for years, and after just a few weeks of email and chat we're in love just as much as we were then. The problem is I am single, but she has been married 12 years and has 2 children. She says she's been unhappy for a while and now wants to be with me.Even if we would get together I see so many problems ahead, like her kids resenting me for it and me resenting not having kids with her (she doesn't want any more). But I'm also afraid we'll regret not trying.Does anyone have a similar experience? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Petey +, writes (16 March 2008):
Petey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers. After I posted my question we talked again and decided she did need to sort out the problems in her marriage first. We would love to keep in touch but right now it's not healthy for her marriage or my sanity. So most of your advice are after the fact, but do help to confirm that it was the right decision.Especially g247 expressed my thoughts exactly. Thanks again.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (16 March 2008):
 The fact that you believe you were actually in love after two weeks tells me a lot. Stay out of her marriage. Your opinion of the status of her relationship is jaded and self serving. She was bored with her marriage and started looking up old flames while she should have been trying to get things back on track. Her integrity is questionable and yours is too if you think this is morally correct. Unless she has tried everything to save the marriage, she is going about this the wrong way and you are contributing. Do the right thing even though this is exciting, it's wrong. All the things you fear should be the moral compass that guides you because they are all indications that you are doing something wrong.
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A
male
reader, g247  +, writes (16 March 2008):
I dunno...
20 years is a VERY long time. A person can change so much throughout the course of even one year, much less 20 of them and throw in a marriage with kids for good measure.
Her marriage could be failing. And when we're in failing relationships it's often easy to look back to past happier days elsewhere with rose-coloured glasses on. Her renewed love for you may be genuine, or it could be a knee-jerk reaction to her unhappy marriage.
But you were 18 and she was 16 the last time you two went out man. You must be such different people now to what you were then. If you actually haven't talked in 20 years, then you've never spoken while you two weren't essentially kids in a high school relationship.
I get your fears of not trying, but this isn't just some relationship that you can just walk into. This is a marriage of 12 years. This is a marriage that has produced children.
If I was you, I'd let her sort the future of her marriage out before pursuing this in any shape, form or fashion. If it fails on its own merit and not because of your impact, then feel free to give it a try. If not, then I'd suck it up and move on.
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A
female
reader, EMILLY ROSS  +, writes (16 March 2008):
Hi,
so if you still luv her be happy to accept her wit her kids.if she really luvs you,you can even make her have your kids.so dont worry if you really want her go for it.
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