A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there.I'm on my gap year and during it i met the most amazing girl and we are coming up to our one year anniversary, and for our anniversary (in a month and a half) i named a star in the sky for her. I sent it to her early because im going to New Zealand in a couple of days time coming back the day before our anniversary but she opened it early.Now she's being doing her exams but she finishes the day i leave for NZ and she has been busy revising and all that jazz and i havent been able to talk to her at all and she's getting stressed which i cant help.And im afraid that she will leave me while i'm away because she's on holiday. But we are in love and her friends say its highly doubtful. But we wont see each other for a total of 8 weeks which sucks badly!It wasnt so much an issue when i went to Canada for just under 3 months but we have grown as a couple together more since then.She broke up with me about a month ago which was my fault because im a controlling person and changed her mind 5 days later because she said she still cudnt live without me which touched me more than any World War movie!We are in complete and total love, and she would never cheat on me, and i'd never cheat on her of course! Im just afraid she will stop loving me. I dont doubt her, i just worry soo much and i guess because i love her so much i worry about losing her so much.I know i shouldnt put 100% of myself into this relationship but its who i am.I have been seeking assurance from my friends and her friends. I think what i need is some reassurance from her.I need some help. Thank you
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anniversary, broke up, her ex, on holiday Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your help. I am about to travel and i hope it all goes well.
As for what you have just said, yeah, whatever doesnt kill us makes us stronger. i have learnt what to do and what not to do, and have a reference point of course, which is why i have found someone better i think, and someone who at the end of the day will be the greatest thing in my life, as long as we are together.
Fate is a cruel mistress, but if we can saddle her, maybe we can control what is in store.
I leave you with a quote from the TV series Fraiser that has helped me and i hope may help you in times to come.
"While it’s tempting to play it safe, the more we’re willing to risk, the more alive we are. In the end, what we regret most are the chances we never took."
Thank you.
xx
A
male
reader, Dekten  +, writes (9 June 2010):
Ah, interesting. The good thing here is that you have a reference scenario from the past. If you've already managed to (temporarily) overcome the problem, then surely you can do it again.
But no matter how hard you try, you cannot have 100% control over OTHER people. Not even if you're a totalitarian dictator.
Life's just not easy, I guess... it's these things that make a person grow... and makes you understand a bit more what it's like to be human. Everyone struggles with stuff, but you don't fully understand it until you're going through it yourself. (sorry for rambling.. :-) )
Frankly, I believe you already have a pretty good idea of what you need to do (or not do), you just need a little confirmation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAgain nail on the perverbial head. My thoughts/emotions are controlling me.
The final answer is seek counceling, but ive already done that, and it had worked after a girl broke up with me after a 16 months together- for reasons that were beyond my control, she "changed" and i would not be part of that change. But i can almost pinpoint where i dropped what i had learned and went back to my old ways which was to devote eveything for her, and always have that worry that il lose everything.
I think that the fact that i am going away for a while will be a good way to escape and just chill really.
But underneath all this, there is the underlyng fact that the girl in question, i will do everything i can to keep her, and to carry on loving her, and to carry on making her happy. I am aware that at times i am my own enemy, but ultmiately i need her to think the same as i do, then i guess you could say there is the ultimate relationship :P and its something that although i shudnt be looking for, its what i need, and that wont change because i cant change who i am, which was evident when i couldnt carryon what my councellor had tought me.
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A
male
reader, Dekten +, writes (9 June 2010):
You need to get your thought processes under control: if you can't control your own thoughts, then don't even think about controlling hers.
From what I can tell, that's your "problem": your thoughts/emotions are controlling you, not the other way around.
Please don't take this the wrong way, but I think you could really benefit from a few visits to a counselor -- they have some very good techniques to take control of your patterns.
If you can overcome this hurdle, your life will improve in many ways, not just with your GF.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDekten again you speak the truth, there has to be a blance between those 2 things, but i have a problem, well not so much a problem, i think about her pretty much most of the day, not because i want to, but cos i cant get her out of my mind, and dont relli plan to.
But while away i hope that it can help restore that balance. But i dont know how much she thinks of me. I mean ok shes had exam revision so il let her do whatever she needs to do for it and im being supportive nonetheless. But i need to, in effect make her think of me more. not by force obviously, but show/do something that can warrant more thought from her. that i have no idea how to achieve.
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male
reader, Dekten +, writes (9 June 2010):
Communication is key: if you're going to work as a couple, you have to be able to talk clearly about what you both want.
The thing you *don't* want to talk about over and over is the topic of "do you still love me?" -- that'll make you look desperate and insecure.
It's OK if you mention a bit too often what you had for dinner (personally, I find that boring). That's fine. She can safely say "boring, next subject" without hurting your feelings.
Maybe the balance that you actually need to seek is the percentage of time you spend talking/thinking about the relationship vs. other subjects.
Just some thoughts...
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah both of you are very much right. There has to be some sort of balance.
I guess its like an actor, if you appear in few films, the audience will yearn for more (e.g. The bald guy from the new Robin Hood) or appear in too much and people will get sick of you (e.g Will Farrel)
I mean there has top be a balance, but im afriad that itl go the other way and she might think that im moving away from her, which cud never happen, but i shudnt appear too clingy as both you guys say. But il have to find the urge to make sure everythings ok and she in effect still loves me in the same way. Im a naturally paranoid person but im trying not to be.
And i hope to climb the Franz Joseph Glacier in New Zealand sometime.
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A
male
reader, Dekten +, writes (9 June 2010):
I'm glad you found my comment helpful! BTW, I think baddogbj posted a very useful comment.You're dealing with a "paradox": the more effort you put in trying to keep someone with you, the more she'll see you as clingy and not want to be with you. It's a balance you'll have to find.You don't want your next question to be "I called her every day and put SO much effort in, but she doesn't want me anymore??"It's such a familiar situation...
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (9 June 2010):
 Familiarity breeds contempt.
Don't call every day. Don't ever allow her to find your calls even a little commonplace or dull. Women don't respect men that they have on a leash. They want you on a leash but once they get you there some of the attraction dies.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't be a good boy and stay faithful, please do BUT call every few days and make sure that when you call you have something exciting to tell her. Let her worry just a little and then have the joy of feeling relieved when you call. Let her know (indirectly) that you are doing exciting, interesting and masculine things when she isn't with you. Between calls set yourself challenges to do something that you can talk about on your next call, something that makes you worthy of your girl.
If you call her every day to discuss the food in the hostel or the weather or the annoying Swedish man who won't wash, she is going to get a bit bored. If you don't call for a few days and then come back to tell her how you took a ski plane up to land on the Tasman Glacier and skied down with a small group, but the weather closed in and you had to bivouac out in the snow over night she is going to feel that much more excited about you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDekten thanks a lot, that hs been really helpful, because she is on holiday then and sometimes she may be busy, but i meann ive done things for her and i think she can do some for me.
We will have loads tot alk about thats for sure, i always find things to talk about. I think i just have to treat it as if i was just at home but not able to go see her.
But you know il miss her and all that, but yeah i hope i can call her every day, just to make sure everything is ok.
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male
reader, Dekten +, writes (9 June 2010):
Ah, but you have BOTH invested into your relationship. She stands to lose something as well.
Just keep in touch every day. With Skype and such, calling is cheap no matter how far apart you are.
You might even find out you have more to talk about.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your opinions. I mean 8 weeks is a while, but we are in a mildly long distance relationship, but im going to university close to hers so that issue has been resolved.
I do need to calm down, but its in my nature to worry because ive "invested" so much in this.
There have been many things that we have survived as a couple, including her breaking up with me then 5 days later getting back together, being away for over 3 months from her.
Its another hurdle, which i know i can jump over easily, i just hope she can as well.
I've done pretty much all i can do assure her that she shudnt worry, i wish she cud do the same for me.
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A
male
reader, Dekten +, writes (8 June 2010):
Calm down and grow some self-confidence.
If you're meant to be, then things will turn out OK.
Some weeks apart is not the biggest hurdle relationships face. If that's too much, then don't even bother getting into the rest.
Either way, you will benefit in the long run.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj +, writes (8 June 2010):
Honestly, don't go looking for too much reassurance. It comes across as wet - "I love you so much, will you still love me in 8 weeks time ...please don't stop loving me" Be a confident man, tell her you love her by all means but don't seek reassurance as that betrays weakness. At most, "You know I love you, eight weeks isn't that long. Be a good girl whilst I'm gone." accompanied by a cheerful kiss and a pat on the bum. Don't be a wussy.
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