A
female
age
41-50,
*mptyHeart
writes:Ok, so if you have been widowed young and get remarried again, is it improper to have a bridal shower if you had one the first time? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, EmptyHeart +, writes (8 April 2014):
EmptyHeart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha- To answer your questions...We are having 4 and 4 for the bridal party, 1/2 my friends and 1/2 his. Yes, the bridesmaids purchased their dresses. No, its a VERY local wedding, no destination. Both, my fiance and I are older now, so we don't have parents to help us financially (just my dad is alive and he is not financially stable), so we are paying for the whole wedding ourselves, plus rehearsal dinner. No one else is paying for anything else. As for the shower, his sister wants to contribute money towards it, the bridesmaids said they would do the cake and the decorations and invites. As far as being submissive, no thats not the case. My inlaws were being nice and said, you SHOULD have a party, you lost your husband and you are allowed to have another one, it wasn't like you got divorced, you deserve to be happy. I got excited about it, thinking, "really?" I can have one? Thats awesome! My sister who is the maid of honor, said, its not that we don't want to have one for you, its a money issue for them and they didn't think it was appropriate. After speaking to them, they understood what I was saying. Whatever they can do to throw the party without it getting out of control, they want to do. Which is fine with me. I never pushed the issue, I don't even care if I had one or not. We never had an engagement party either, no one threw one for us so we moved on, its not a big deal. I think the issue here was, the idea of my best friends just thinking about us and wanting to do something special, it didn't have to be a party, it could have been a get together or something. That is what I was upset about. Not the gifts or the parties.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 April 2014):
 OP, don't fall into the trap of punishing bridesmaids for not spontaneously throwing you a bridal shower. That will only create more drama.
How many people are you having in the bridal party? Are they from his side or are they all your side? Are you having them purchase a bridesmaid's dress? Is it a destination wedding, as in they have to travel?
I would stop taking on the expectations of your future in-laws as your problem to deal with. It's your fiance's first wedding. He doesn't get a bridal shower. If it's that your future in-laws want be invited to a bridal shower, well, that's kind of rude of them to expect your friends to have one so they can 'experience' it. A bridal shower is for outfitting the bride. If the in-laws want a party to celebrate, they can certainly throw an engagement party and invite whomever they want. Are you planning the wedding by yourself or do you have help?
I would invest in a planning guide and definitely a book on etiquette. It will help you navigate this going forward.
If your in-laws are this persuasive that they convince you to register for gifts for a party that hasn't even been announced, then you are rather submissive and perhaps too easily led around.
I think CindyCares hit the tone you should adopt just right: "The way it goes, regardless of what your in laws say, is that you can't do or suggest or host your own bridal shower. Either you GET one by your friends- and feign delight and total surprise :)- or, you don't, avoid raising the issue and feign total indifference."
There will be other tricky etiquette issues for you as you go forward in planning this, so get a really good book and remember the point of the wedding is to get married, not to throw a party….. though that is a nice benefit.
The path you are on now of having people holding grudges and hurt feelings and high expectations is going to wind up with more drama unless you get this back under control.
You control the wedding planning. Period. The rest, engagement parties, showers, etc. are thrown by others for you.
The in-laws (at least in my era) were responsible for the rehearsal dinner.
Etiquette book, STAT!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 April 2014):
 I've been married 4 times. Ive been divorced three. I have one girl friend who has stood up for me at 3 out of the 4 weddings.. it's become a running joke with us... all my my friends celebrate each and every marriage for me..
while you may not need a shower to give you household goods... a shower of love and friendship is never NOT appreciated.
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A
female
reader, EmptyHeart +, writes (7 April 2014):
EmptyHeart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHaha yea right?! I'm so upset with all this It makes me reevaluate who's in my wedding party! I hate drama!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): I think I would be thinking about getting new friends and be thinking about eloping instead of all this drama your so called friends have stirred up over a bridal shower.
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A
female
reader, EmptyHeart +, writes (7 April 2014):
EmptyHeart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all, I really appreciate y our responses! I hope to put this behind me, and focus on whats really important! :)
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 April 2014):
 Of course , OP, I realize that if your fiance' stepped in for the bridal shower , it's not because he ( or you ) just could not wait to put your greedy hands on a new ironing board , or a new toaster ! He did it because he felt bad for you and want to make things better.
Unluckily- he shouldn't have. The way it goes, regardless of what your in laws say, is that you can't do or suggest or host your own bridal shower. Either you GET one by your friends- and feign delight and total surprise :)- or, you don't, avoid raising the issue and feign total indifference.
So, if you ask me, will other people feel you should not be having a second bridal shower , my answer would be, if they knew or guessed how it come about , with the bridesmaids dragging their feet to NOT do it, well... probably yes. Call it a stupid rule or a stupid tradition, but , either you are offered a bridal shower spontaneously by your closest friends, or you do without. But now that they have accepted to officiallly sponsor the idea ( .. and unofficially, letting your fiance' pay ! )- it's fine, again nowadays there are tons of second weddings and tons of second bridal showers ; it's not mandatory and it's not wrong or forbidden either.
As for feeling annoyed, yes, I get you perfectly, I agree that it was not about buying you a new state-of-the art hifi system or a Steinway piano, it was about celebrating and rejoicing WITH you , and the gifts could be just symbolical , as a memento of a special day, a pair of knitted potholders would do just fine.
But, hey, don't let this spoil the day, it's not such a big deal. Maybe your friends are really strapped for cash and consumed by their own preoccupations,maybe they are not the sentimental types, - maybe even they are a tiny bit jealous that you get a second shot at love, and a second exciting day and a second honeymoon and everything, while they are still stuck with Mr. Same Old :). Their problem- don't let it bother you.
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A
female
reader, EmptyHeart +, writes (7 April 2014):
EmptyHeart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThey ended up deciding to have one for me, but with a lot of hesitation and leaning on my fiance to pay for most of everything.
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A
female
reader, EmptyHeart +, writes (7 April 2014):
EmptyHeart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCindyCares...No, I never wanted to give my own party (neither did my fiance), I didn't know I could have one after my future inlaws mentioned it. They got excited about it. My fiance is not a cheap at all (he is too generous) and after he heard they were giving me a hard time, he felt bad for me, so he said--forget it, I will give you one, let them bake the cake, out of sarcasm. I never realized that my friends would feel that way, Im kind of annoyed to be honest. Look, I get it, they are older now with families and they are stressed for money-I am too, I was widowed with three children and a mortgage-its tough. It just would have been nice of them to WANT to do it for me, instead of making me feel bad about it, even if it wasn't my idea. Even if it was a small get together to celebrate our new love. It wasn't about gifts, it was about the thought. I would have been fine without one. I was just asking if in general, it is rude to have another one. Will other people feel the same way.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 April 2014):
 Yikes. Yeah, a bridal shower is thrown for you, not you throwing it yourself. I'm actually surprised that they would treat someone who was widowed like this.
Does this mean your bridesmaids won't want to go to the wedding reception that's been planned, and they won't want to drink or dance or eat food you paid for? I don't see the hesitation on their part to accept the benefits of the wedding.
Again, I'd feel different if the first wedding had ended in divorce or if it had ended messy, and maybe I have a double standard when it comes to these things.
Why doesn't your fiance's family throw you one??
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 April 2014):
I see... then, alas, it's different.
A bridal shower is a GIFT GIVING party, you cannot launch your own. It's the bride's best friends and / or bridesmaids that host one ( if they wish of course ). Mothers or other close family members do not host bridal showers , it could be seen as rude or greedy ( unluckily, it was ) asking gifts for their family members.
Also, technically speaking, whomever attended the first wedding does not have the obligation to bring another gift to the second wedding - ( although, 90% of people would choose to do so because it's another wedding on another date maybe years and years from the first, and after all, these guests are also going to eat and drink at your expenses .. an all new second time :).
So... you are " blessed " with cheapskate girlfriends, but, they do have a point, you or your fiance' should not give your own GIFT GIVING party, that would have befallen to your friends . Your future in laws advised you wrongly, and your soon to be husband should not sulk because your friends did not OWE you a bridal shower . ( Particularly being this your second wedding ).
Look, OP, at the end of the day- choose to not care. You are getting married, and you are ( hopefully ) happy and excited ,and ( probably ad hopefully ) this is the " real " one. Enjoy your big day, and your happiness, and the promise of a wonderful future together.. do't worry about these typical wedding hassles. There are so many little things if you want to do it everything just so- and unless you hire Martha Stewart as your wedding planner, you are bound to screw up some detail. Does it really matter ?. Will you really feel upset about this 10 years from now ?....
P.S: : Stingy girlfriends though. If they had chosen to give you a bridal shower, it does not say anywhere that the gifts should have been lavish or expensive . Something symbolic and well wishing like, say, green plants would have been approriate and I bet you would have been happy anyway.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 April 2014):
Until a few years ago, it was not considered quite proper to have a bridal shower for a second wedding. But- things change and, let's face it, nowadays around 30% of all marriages are second marriages , so- brideshower all you want, you surely won't be an exception.
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A
female
reader, EmptyHeart +, writes (7 April 2014):
EmptyHeart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's actually the complete opposite, my bridesmaids sat me down and told me that they thought it would be rude to have one again, not only that but they are broke and can't afford it. Mind you, this was not my idea. My fiances family recommended that I should have one, I didn't think of even having one again. But they got me excited so I registered. This is my fiances first time getting married and I guess his family wants the " first time" experience of wedding planning even though technically it's not for him. When the bridal party found out they told me they thought it was not the proper thing to do and everyone that came the first time would think well why do I have to give her a gift again? It put me in a really uncomfortable position because again this was not my idea. Like I'm being greedy since I have everything already! We are going to have it because my fiancé was mad at them and he's going to pay for everything instead of them. But we shouldn't have to pay for another expense right?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 April 2014):
If friends of yours want to celebrate for a second time, you are lucky to have such good friends.
I agree with Honeypie in that if you were a frequent marryer, it would be different, but someone who was widowed and re-marrying, why not?? In my opinion, it is a celebration of life and should be marked with joy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 April 2014):
 Why would it be? I can see it being improper if you got married every other year and this was attempt #12... but your second marriage? Why not? It's your FEMALE friends CELEBRATING your upcoming nuptials. Nothing improper about that if you ask me.
Are you going to wear white?
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