A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Please help, Iam a 45 year old man , I have had type1 diabetes since age 3 this plays a huge part in what I need advice with , I have been married to the same super beautiful wife for 22+years .I met my wife when I was 22 and she was 17 at the time I was in my short physical and sexual prime my soon to be wife and I hit it immediately on more than a sexual level and sexually Wow! At the time I could last for hours even though I was only 4.5" fully erect I thought she was fulfilled until about 8 months later we were having after sex pillow talk and she brought up her second boyfriend who she said was at least twice as long as me and 3x as thick well I started and argument that lasted up until 5 years ago and sheffinally said nothing she could say w ould make it any better so Id let it go or forget about our marriage as she said she was perfectly happy with me as I was her everything to sexually and soul partner at that point I let it go and never brought it up again to her.We ended getting married a year after we started dating and have had four super kid who make me proud to be a father., but as time went on my health declined I had over 20 surgeries everything from laser eye to knee replacements finally my drs.encouraged me to pursue disability insurance.I did and have been receiving it now over 5years in the meantime it forces my wife to step up and become the primary income earner and never complained and she always reminds me of her vow to me for better or worse , now my prescriptions are costing the family in excess of 1, 400 a month putting a huge financial strain on the entire family and ut really hits me when I see my wife resowing her second hand cclothes for second and third time from being worn out I feal iam holding back from what she could have , and up until a year ago oyr sex life still was great and now she has no desire to have sex with me and when we do now less than 1 every 2weeks I usaully don't last more than 2-4 minutes , well a couple of weeks ago I lasted over 15 minutes and half way through I noticed my wife was getting dry down there so I put ky lubricant on and after a couple ou f more minutes she asked if I was done and how much longer! I was crushed I didn't even ejaculate. Since then we have had no sex and last night my wife must have been dreaming because I heard her moaning in her sleep so I was wide awake just watching and and was obviously aroused as she.reached between my crotch and was.touching my penis and then started grabbinv around my penis like some was missing then she went up and felt my stomach and woke up loomed half startled like she didn't reconize me I aske if she wanted to do anything? She snapped angrily no I'm tired go to bed! I am lost and don't know what this means is our 22 year old marriage over due to my inability to be a good husband? Honestly we hardly even sleep in the same bed for the last 8months when I try to rub her back hold herhand she shrugs me off and tells me keep my hands to myself what can I do to make thing better or is our marriage over?
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (21 April 2013):
 It sounds to me as if you need some serious support right now. Kidney issues are very difficult though manageable if you can access good support. So I am giving you a link to the kidney foundation as they have articles and access points where you can get help
http://www.kidney.org/atoz/content/dialysisinfo.cfm
Diabetes is a very common illness and getting support and doing some exercise is very important as well as taking your diet into consideration. Here is a support link for diabetes.
http://diabeticsupport.com/category/articles
I can really understand if these medical conditions would lead to you feeling over=whelmed and sad. That would be a very normal reaction so I am giving you a link to give you some support that I think you will likely need.
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/depression/how-can-i-help-myself-if-i-am-depressed.shtml
I know that you are overwhelmed and that you feel lost by all these events. Support is out there. But if you let your feelings go too then you put yourself into a worse situation. Please seek support as early as possible. http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/original.htm
A
male
reader, sooverwhelmed +, writes (21 April 2013):
I found out on 4/19 Friday after Drs.appointment my kidneys are shot and will need to be put on dialysis? I didn't know how to tell my wife so I left the lab results from my Ds office she knew what they meant I apologized for not being able to provide better and told her about all my concerns I have posted.She cried hugged me
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2013): I will give you a female perpective. Your wife ounds like she feels unappreciated, carrying all that burden that comes with raising a family, and at the same time winning the bread. She sees you as a hinderance, and not as a partner, rather like another child.I know this is not your fault, but you should RELALY STOP focusing on sex, while it is a huge part of the relationship, it sounds your wife ha fallen out of love with you. You need to court her again as other suggested. Rent her favorite movie, and make her popcorn, and just laugh together...no sex, nothing. If she doesnt want to be touched, leave her alone. But dont stop being considerate, and charming. NO MORE SELF PITY! I will tell you, when in my relationhip we had mdoney problems , recently moved to a new city. It was excting at first...to be us against the world. Ater a while, I felt I was the one that felt I wa carrying the weight, and he just whined about not getting enough sex. I was tired! I took care of everything! He wasnt the man I had fallen in love with, he was a child, he was a burden I had to take care of.He started to change, he got a job, he came home, hugged me and told me "have I told you how beautiful you looked this morning?" he wooed me again, he courted me again, we saw movies, we laughed, we shared books, he ate out. He would bring my favorite snack jut because. Again, he stopped pressuring me for sex.If he gave me a massage it was just a massage, and he stated as such, that it was a chaste massage just because.We had a talk where he said "I am sorry for all the mindless little things I made a fuss about, I am just greatful to be with you. I love you, and wouldnt change you for the world, you are the best thing that ever happened to me" He stopped focusing on the small issues, complimented me daily. I was a woman to him again, he courted me again.My stepdad was in your shoes with the expensive medical bills and disability after an accident. He started to work from home, the company is called alpine access. He only used a headset and internet, and it beat the disability and he felt useful because he brought income. I would suggest you look for legitimate work at home opportunities, if you google wahm it is a forum that talks about mothers that for different reasons work from home usually on support for companies. This is not an adveritsment at all, this was just what my step dad did while in disability. It helped us a lot at the time.I wish you good luck, about your penis size. My husband has the smallest penis of all men Ive dated, but there is all that other stuff about him. Like the way he looks at me, or when he says I look beautiful...that turns my knees into jelly, and makes me a teenager again.Think poitive. Appreciate her. Tell her you understand what she feels like, and the burden she must carry.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2013): It is difficult on a marriage and yes one of the deal breakers is money. The other deal breaker is trust and the last deal breaker is sex. You are a batting a two out of three. My dad was a major bread winner for 25 years but when he got layed off at his job and my mom had to go back and work full time it hurt their relationship bad. Arguments about money, why cant you go out and get a job to help support the household? My dad was a ceo of a company making two hundred grand a year and my mom still expected him to take any job that was available. He got a job alright at a local pizza shop making minimum wage. I think it almost killed him to do that for two years. All us kids also had to get jobs and in the end it worked out alright. Why my mom and dad are still together today is because of the love they have for each other. They professed it daily and made public displays where appropriate. Can you say the same? Who really cares about the other man in her life after all these years. What the hell? Give yourself a shake and get a reality check. Get some professional help and see if you can get a govt subsidy for your medication. Not sleeping together for eight months is bad.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 April 2013):
 I have the disabling condition in our marriage. my husband loves me but is afraid to hurt me during sex so as I said to him yesterday we make lousy newlyweds but are a great old married couple...
maybe she's concerned about your health... even if you are healthy enough for sex, she may be afraid to hurt you physically.
but with your update.. yeah there is more going on...
she may be angry and resentful that things are the way they are but marriage is for better for worse... and she clearly takes her vows seriously.
have you ever considered counseling with her or alone?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2013): To try and answer the questions I will try and do my best , I did not constantly bring up my wife's ex boyfriend untill a incident where we went to watch one of my friends at a boxing match she had been drinking (she no longer drinks because of this) and after the match she went uo and gavemy ffriend a wet kiss and groped him I told it was time for us to leave and sbe told me not to get jealous because I don't have what my friend has and thag she is still happy with me, that and her comments about her ex did eat at me but I didn't throw it in her face all the time but ok once in a blue moon w when I would get into self pity yes I qould remind her of what she said and.did I finally let go completely about 5years ago , as far of trying to help I have been doing all house chores and even try looking up simple recipes and I have dinner set and waiting before she walks in the door I offer to rub her back and feet she.really doesn't want me touching her usually she comes home and heads straight to shower before even giving me a hug she works out on elliptical 45 minutes everymorning and when I ask her if she would like to do anything she tells me she is too tired a couple of times when I was near her employers between drs appointments I would call her and.ask her she would like to have lunch together she would tell me no she was eating her lunch she brouvht to save money and then a couple of times I would stop in and take her a rose and her co-worker's would tell me she went out for lunch.As far as diet we count our carbs calories etc and exercise is very limited for because of severe neuropathy on feet , ulcers on feet and needing left knee replacement, my right knee was done last year so I am am limited how much time I can spend on my feet.my wife gets up in the morning before the sun comes up and gets home after it has set she does call me on her breaks to see if I am okay as I have had seizures and passed out and my kids found me she tells she loves everymorning before she leaves to work so I am very confused , she shows some signs of possible affairs but not all of them and as whe it comes to any physical contact with me she backs away from.Our youngest child is turning 16 next week the next is19, 21 then 22 .
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 April 2013):
 You are imagining things.. She wasn't grabbing at your penis "as if something was missing". How does that work exactly? I didn't know it was possible to grab so specifically as to have it added extra meaning...
And then you bring up an ex boyfriend of her from over 20 years ago. She doesn't care or think about that guy! Really! It was over 20 years ago, it's so far back that it can't even be remembered! She can probably remember saying he was big, but there is no way she actually remembers anything about him, and definitely is NOT dreaming about him at night. You need to get over yourself and your penis. This isn't about your penis.
Your wife clearly has problems handling the change in life with having to work more and have less money. She loses interest in sex, and she doesn't know how to communicate her dissatisfaction in a good way, so constantly reminds you how much she "sacrifices" for the marriage. And you feel like less of a man because you're no longer the bread winner.
Talk to each other, figure out what bothers you. When things get better in the relationship the sex will naturally get better as well. Thing of the sex as the symptom here, not the cause of the problem.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2013): Are you at home most of the time these days?If so, do you take care of the domestic chores, childcare, etc etc while your wife is out at work?A very large proportion of your question is about sex, whereas the issues that you are raising are part of a far bigger picture which you don't mention, and yet will end up having a direct consequence for your sex life. You have missed out most of the in-between information. Are you able to look after the kids? If you are not earning then how much of the housework, cooking, etc do you do? This has all been glossed over in favour of your concerns with your sex life. Unfortunately for you wife- as it would be for a lot of people in your wife's position, male or female- these things would not be just details but day to day reality which are tiring and time consuming. Sex tends to become somewhat marginalised in my experience where other issues are taking centre stage.Please can you give us some more details? I think it would help me, at least, to be able to give a better answer.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (19 April 2013):
 I need you to clarify something, did your wife, after you had been married 8 months tell you about a boyfriend who had a larger penis than you, and did you then spend the next 17 years arguing with her about it, until your wife finally said she it wouldn't matter what she said she couldn't make things better?
I hope you come back and answer me, because your answer will very much determine how I will respond to your current situation.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (19 April 2013):
 People marry for better or worse, in sickness and in health but the reality of caring for someone who is disabled long term whilst being responsible for the family income can be intolerable to most. Love is often the only thing that keeps a person from walking out the door and they will always put their own needs last...it's a shitty deal isn't it?
It is not your fault that you have a disability and I am sure you have suffered, but you still have the ability to take control of this situation and turn it around.
Giving your wife time to talk about how she feels is very important and showing your apreciation by helping her as much as you can, whether that is by taking charge of some of the chores, or working out the finances, it shows you are the man of the home and the responsibility of the family happiness lies ultimately with you.
You are very young to be having so many health problems, but you can always contribute to your own health and fitness level by eating a healthy diet and taking regular exercise. Create and organise time and space for you and your wife to be alone and give her little treats. It does not have to be expensive...a few flowers, a nice home cooked meal or a shoulder rub when she gets home...ask her how her day has been and tell her about yours.
Marriages dry up, when stress and routine and work take over...conversation is lost and is replaced with taking eachother for granted.
Your wife sounds like she is over worked and under apreciated (you have to show this is physical acts rather than just assuming she knows it).
I know you said your budget is tight, but just putting by a few dollars a month could allow her to buy a new dress or have her hair done. If you don't water and tend the flower...it will wither and die!!
Diabetes, if managed corectly does not have to destroy your life, even after surgery it is possible to recover a decent level of fitness. Don't break the rules, respect your diet if you are on a regime and it will boost your confidence...that means a better performance in the bedroom!!
Don't hide and mope and assume your marriage is over...fight to save it and win that woman back xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2013): I don't know if your marriage is over.. No one on here can tell you whether it is or not.. What we do understand is your wife and yourself are under great burdens financially and emotionally and they can drain and stress and eat away at a marriage..My husband too has a chronic condition, that meant surgery recoup and no sexual contact for two years ( lol ) due to where the surgery was .. But we managed was I happy during this time ( not really I worried, I'm a worrier. Maybe your wife the same?)Okay here my advice.. Get the kids to bed . Make a meal doesn't have to be the most fancy meal, get out your best china.. Get two candles for atmosphere .. Set the table, get reasonable wine whatever your wife likes. And set the scene for a lovely night .. Of dinner and communication but no sex unless your wife asks for it .The purpose for the meal is to be relaxing and to open up communication between you two.. Do not ask at this stage is your marriage over!!!What you want to do is look at the positives. Tell your wife you love her as much as you did when you two first meet.. Ask her us there anything you can do to help with the stress and strains that your illness places on you both .. Tell her you would like to incorporate date night into your life.. Doesn't have to mean going anywhere expensive .. Can be cooked meal at home . Or DVD night and popcorn a laugh and tell her you will abstain from having nookie until she is ready . In fact you're willing to court her all again, if you have too. As you love her so much.. Focus on the positive.. Your love , the kids and how important she is to you..I love my husband very much and we have been in your situation .. It was hard but love, open communication, working together, being honest, and focusing on your relationship will hopefully improve the situation ..I don't know much about the financial situation in your country to comment. Take care . Think positive .
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