A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I started dating a man i have liked for years, about 3 months ago. He knew I had kids and my age (43) when we started dating. We live about an hour away, don't see each other alot, but texted every day. Things have been great, he's said i am amazing and never felt like this before. I wanted to talk to him 3 weeks ago, about seeing each other more, but he didn't feel well that day. Suddenly, with no warning...he stops texting for a few days. When i ask..he tells me he's not sure if i would want kids (he has none), afraid to "fall in love" with my kids , who he has not met (last gf had kids he got close to and was hurt ) and he's not sure if we should continue, cause he's afraid of putting hurt. We never discussed it prior to him getting freaked out . He always asked about my kids, had recently given me a gift card to take them to the movies. He started breaking things off, then said he really didn't want to and hugged me alot and kissed me a few times. Said he thinks i'm awesome, would like to figure things out, but needs time to clear his head. Texted me later that night day, but nothing since (1 week). He also was freaking out over his BP being up, headaches, birthday coming and turning 41 and still no kids. He admitted he has alot of fears/issues right now and just feels overwhelmed and needs to shut down to process them all. I am trying to stick to stick"no contact" right now...other than a happy day text yesterday that he never answered. I just wonder if a man can truly be so overwhelmed that he really does need time...and if there's any hope he may come back around when he's ready. Broken hearted over a truly nice guy who backed way off by overhanging things on his own without talking to me. :(
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (20 April 2013):
 Please accept my sympathies on what you are going through. I can certainly relate to what you are going through.
I agree with the other people replying to your question: it certainly sounds like he has some qualms about possibly being a stepparent. Not everyone is capable of helping raise another person's children. It isn't an easy job dealing with exes, moody kids who tell you that you can't tell them what to do (because you aren't their father), and not being able to go out on date night because you have to take care of your kids. Also, he may want children of his own and that fact that you are a bit older may remove that possibility.
I know this doesn't make it any easier to hear, but you should be thankful that he figured this out now, instead of a year into the relationship where your children had formed a bond with him.
I do think he took the cowardly way out. Instead of telling you straight up his reasons, he simply cut contact with you. I think you do have to move on and hopefully you'll be a better match for the your next relationship. I wouldn't take it personally; this is modern dating and sometimes it hurts.
Eddie
A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (19 April 2013):
 He clearly wants his own kids so the question is do you want to have more children? (It is possible in your 49's!) if the answer is no then walk away and let this man meet someone who can give him what he wants. He may love your children when he meets them but if he wants kids he will always resent you for not giving him his own.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (19 April 2013):
 Hi
AuntyEms right,he doesn't know what he wants.He likes you but not the package by the sounds of it.Yes,he may have known beforehand but is in the 'once bitten,twice shy' zone now.
I think he is being fair to you by backing off, if he carried on with it you would become more and more involved and he could vanish a few months down the line.
Leave him to get his head straight and you must protect your heart, you need to know he is 100% onboard if he should come back.Focus on yourself now,what is best for you, not him.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (19 April 2013):
 To be honest he sounds majorly confused about what he wants...MAJORLY!!
On the face of it, he seems to be going through some sort of crisis, maybe weighing up if he should be involved with someone who has kids, or meet someone he can have his own kids with!!
He obviously has now tried two relationships where kids are already present and now he's on the run again.
I don't think there is anything you can do. His agenda (whatever it is) seems to be more important to him than how he feels about you...but he's a headless chicken right now and best left to his own devices.
Back off right now and get on with your own life (it will be less damaging to you rather than trying to pull him back when he doesn't want to come)
Set yourself a standard ' I will only take him back if he proves commitment to me, works on a future and accepts my children' That way you will avoid him coming and going and upsetting and using you.
It is dissapointing and hurtful when something we cherished goes wrong or ends, but relationships are very very complex these days and people do drift from one to the other without thinking about what they really want!
Your guy is confused but giving very clear signals that he is pulling away...he is pulling away for a reason...so let him go, because that is all you can do xx
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