A
female
age
41-50,
*oowaa
writes:I am 'recovering' from my husbands affair. When I say recovering, what I actually mean is making very slow progress, which seems to relapse alot. We were married 9 years, I fell pregnant last year. I had the perfect pregnancy , my husband was supportive and always there, except for the fact that he started an affair 3 months into the pregnancy. I had no idea , until a week before I gave birth.So far we have stayed together, i am sure that I want to be with him. He relinquished his affair immediately, got her transferred away from his workplace.he has been so co operative in getting back our relationship and tells me all the time that its me he wants.I on the other hand am in a bad state. I cry all the time,its been 4 months since discovery. He tries to play it down, that they weren't that involved, that they never kissed or slept together,that he just liked her as a friend and then started to feel something for her. I looked at his phone records again today from that time. Almost immediately he was calling her over and over throughout the day, within the first month of the affair he was on the phone for a whole hour to her, then a 1/2 hour after hanging up, was back on the phone for another 20 minutes. the records show he left her voicemail messages all the time. The text messages never stopped. I am in a mess.I am so hurt that she was so special to him , at a time when I should have been ( I was carrying his child) I feel inferior to her. He is trying to make me feel better, but nothing seems to measure up to the way he chased her. I know I can't really expect that kind of passionate enthusiasm after 10 years together, but I fell that without it I can't heal and be with him, because the other woman will always have that over me. I want to move on,but I don't kow how to. I feel strange , because if I start to pull myself together, I sometimes feel like I am saying what he did was ok. I am a mess. His down playing of the whole affair is bringing me down. I don't believe him.What can I do to stop feeling so upset about it? Is it really just a case of pulling myself together? Becasue if it is , I don't at the moment feel capable.
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female
reader, mossop +, writes (8 January 2011):
I have a gorgeous daughter who is four....My son is two and my ex had an affair when I was pregnant with my little man.....I found out 5 months pregnant......He was more bothered about her than me at the time......Two years later he is trying to get us back as a family.........I believe anyone that can do that when you are pregnant is dispicable......advice?xxxxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2009): What you are going through is indeed very sad and heartbreaking. You are mourning the loss of fidelity in your marriage, the loss of respect, the ultimate betrayal by a spouse.You gave so much specifics in your post of 2 October 2009. For instance the time he spent with her alone, the hours and number of texts, and so forth. If anyone was relating this story to you , you would immediately come to the conclusion that more sexual intimacy was conducted, wouldn’t you. You see it is highly unlikely that your husband was just satisfied with mere talking and mere words. I firmly believe that he is continuing to lie to you by saying that nothing happened. Something did. He used to be in the car with her for hours didn’t he. He met her during work (?) as well, after work too. So many hours alone together and NOTHING HAPPENS. No kissing, not even hand holding??? Very noble of him. Who is your husband trying to bluff Only himself! Not only did your hb have an affair, but he has such disrespect for you that he blatantly lies to you regarding the extent of his affair. Now to make matter worse he downplays the whole affair. It is like he is trying to hoodwink you into believing that it didn’t exist at all. Your hb is a very clever, manipulative (conniving) man. Why did he end his affair – only because you caught him, isn’t it? Is he truly remorseful or did he cave in merely because he was caught? I think the latter one is more of the truth. It demonstrates his total disrespect for you. How do you move on and can/will you. For you , you need honesty and you need answers. For starters he MUST tell you what really transpired between the two of them. He chased her and “was with her for 6 months” , surely this warrants a more intimate relationship than what he has revealed to you. He is hiding the full extent of his affair and for that he should be roasted. You will NEVER move on from his affair if he doesn’t come clean with you. And you need to tell him this. It seems like you are silently mourning the loss of your hb, your marriage and this man just gets n with his life. Can he not see just how devastated you are? By him not confessing to the exact nature of his affair, he is basically telling you to f off, and that he doesn’t owe you any explanation. If this is indeed what he has done then how can you not confront him, how can you merely accept his feeble excuses. At a time when the joys of parenthood beckoned your hb was having a full blown emotional and highly possible sexual affair. His affair tainted the birth of your baby, please tell him that. Why does he stay with you? Out of love for you he says –BULLSHIT. He stays because it is convenient for him that is all. If he was so in love with you he wouldn’t be giving it his all to another woman. Please, i know you are hurting, but through the hurt you need to muster the courage to confront this lying *astard (sorry, i know he is your hb, but he deserves this title). He needs to account for his actions and he needs to learn to start speaking the truth. You hb chased this woman with intent and i believe he conquered her?Right now, the evidence is overwhelming, the text messages, phone calls, time at work, after work, sessions in her car. These are pieces of evidence that needs to be trashed out with him. If he is down[playing his affair, what is there stopping him from having another one. How certain are you that it is over with this other woman? If/when he starts another affair, he will do it better, more smart and he would expect you to turn a blind eye to his feeble explanation. Is this what you want. NO. You want answers, you actually NEED answers, don’t you. So please try doing this. You are very emotional right now. Your heart is breaking. Instead of just rushing in and talking to him, make a list of all the aspects you want answers to. Then make an appointment with him to discuss. Please do not try to achieve this by yourself. Please get a third party to witness this so that your hb will know that he is accountable for his answers. Perhaps an elder from the church(?), your pastor or a very close family member/friend being present. I hope you are not one of those wives that pretend that your marriage is perfect, that nothing has happened and that for the outside world to not hear a whisper of your hb’s indiscretion. This is the worse thing you can do – hiding the truth. It means that you are somehow condoning your hbs behaviour. I am not telling you to scream it from the rooftops that he had an affair, merely not to hide it from the people close to you. You need the support and emotional backing right now. Your hb is not giving this to you, he continues to lie to you. So you need close family members and close friends to be your pillar of strength. This is also two fold – it will also say something to your hb (that other people close to you ) are aware of his indiscretion. It may also just get him confessing his “real nature” of his affair. You see, we can only fool some people all of the time, but not all the people all of the time. I don’t know where or how this will all end. Whether you will ever get closure. But what i do know is that you will continue to hurt, continue to be devastated with the half truths and the lies. For you knowing the “sexual” aspect of his relationship is paramount to your survival. You need to get to the bottom of for your sake or you will just drive yourself mad. Only your hb knows the answers to the questions. You can try marriage counselling, or a trusted third party as a mediator – but you need the truth. Him downplaying his affair just eats at you, please make your notes and expose his betrayal for what it is. (last week a client of mine spoke about a secret “piss off fund” the fund you dip in when the hb pisses off with another woman/ or the fund you dip into when you trade him in. In your case i think starting a secret piss off fund is vital. Right now you cannot trust a word your hb says. How sure are you he will not stray again. How sure are you that his current affair is over? You have so much of uncertainty right one. At least have financial freedom in the years to come. Whether you will ever need to dip into this fund is not important. It is important that you have it. )
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (3 October 2009):
 Although I don't believe I've ever been actually cheated on, I understand your thought process. I have been jealous once in my marriage of 23 years and that was because I felt unattractive or undesired by my wife. That feeling had been building and I was starting to resent it.
One time she told me about some guy who made a pass at her while she was out one night. I could tell it made her feel good or flattered to some extent. That fact amplified my feelings of being undesired by my wife off the charts. It infuriated and hurt that I felt unable to make my wife feel that way but perhaps someone else could. It caused a lot of pain in our marriage and luckily for me it was only verbal and not physical type thing. To be honest though, in my mind it was just as painful.
You see, we paint pictures in our heads of how perfect our relationships are. We like to believe certain things because it makes us feel good. What I figured out and think is true is this, we are flattered by attention from others. Some more than others. Things can get routine in a marriage. There is someone else out there more handsome than me and capable of getting my wife's attention. Let's face it, if I died today there is someone else who would eventually fill my shoes and perhaps do a better job than me. Who knows?
We don't live thinking about those things though. It could drive us crazy. I focused for a few years on every word, action and thought that must have happened the night my wife was approached by another guy, who in the end, she thought was a nice guy. It infuriated me that she could think that this person could be nice. I couldn't understand how she could find him nice when he obvioulsy had other motives for approaching her and at the same time not feel flattered when I approach her. The truth is, he was a stranger and I was her loyal husband who she sees every day. Women get approached all the time and often they just tell the guy to leave. It is possible though that once in a while in the right situation, the guy can make inroads and at least get the opportunity to talk to the woman for a while. She may actually see him as a nice guy too, if he is respectful, when he finds out she's married.(It's still not a great situation from the husband's point of view) I had to be honest with myself though and admit that I feel good to when someone likes me. I don't run in the opposite direction either. It makes me feel GOOD !!
That's where your husband crossed the line. I've described the mechanics of how I believe people are. This is what makes us tick as humans. We're wired to be attracted to others and it is part of the courting process. A marriage is a deal, not a magical encounter. We hope or expect to honor our end of the deal.
It is possible there were things in your marriage that were not perfect. You both may have been responsible for them. We don't always make the effort for our spouses that we'd make for strangers if we were part of the dating scene again. (look at the signs of cheating, new underwear,cologne sudden interest in fitness, hair etc) It's all because we get a charge or a thrill from the process. Quite often people begin affairs with someone less attractive than their spouse based only on the attention they're getting. In other words, they value the attention from the third party based only on the attention aspect, not the quality of the attention. That's why most of those relationships don't last. There is no substance, only flattery and a thrill.
In your case this all became apparent after the affair. That is too bad. If it's possible, maybe you could try to see this as his weak point. He fell victim to what happens to many people. It is not an excuse for his behaviour but it often helps if you can see why it happened. It happens all the time. It is nothing new and not an indication of somethin inferior in you. He was the weak on. He put the thrill ahead of the subsatance you are supposed to give him. Marriage is about compromise. If we expect the thrill to last forever we're only fooling ourselves. It's in the weak moments when there is little thrill that we're supposed to draw on the substance and history that a solid marriage has delivered. It's less exciting but it's reliable.
The way I've tried tolive my life is to keep things fun and interesting. Try to reinvent the wheel. Make time for eachother and do the little things for my wife I'd do if I was single again. We must always remember that if we don't give our partners the attetnion they need there is always someone else waiting to do so.
If you feel you can forgive and understand he made a mistake, time will help. I think it's important to understand how it happened and to remove the personal feelings from the picture. It's hard to do but it helps figure out why it happened. It's like reading a recipe. At least you can see how everything unfolded so you can deal with it better.
I believe that trusting, forgiving and being a generous partner does not make us fools. We are supposed to be that way. The fool is the person who takes advantge and squanders the trust that is given to them.
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A
female
reader, Justified  +, writes (3 October 2009):
 Hi I am going through something similar my husband has two children outside the marriage we have been together for 11 years and married for 5. The children are 1 and 1 month old. He tells me he loves me and chose to be with me. I have yet to get over it and it has been a three year long process. I am still trying to get over it the only thing I can say is Time Heals Wounds. It has gotten better for me on a daily basis. Just think about your baby and spend time thinking of other things Stay busy. I know watching T.V music will remind you of all those bad things but the trick it to stay positive it will get better. I recommend you read the book the Secret. And if you stay positive about your marriage things will get better.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 October 2009):
No, it's not a case of pulling yourself together. You have to give this time. He has stopped the affair, transferred away, so he sounds like he's trying to fix it. Sometimes, men get worried when they find out a baby is on the way and they do stupid things. This DOESN'T mean that he's right. He's not. But hopefully if you udnerstand why he did it, then you'll be able to move on more easily. Allow yourself to cry and be mad at him. You have every right to be. You need time to get over it. So give yourself time, spend time with him and the baby and hopefull you'll start to forgive him.
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A
female
reader, Bubuvn  +, writes (3 October 2009):
I am so sorry you are in pain and hurt of your husband affair. Anyway if he repent what he has done and try to get back your relationship, you should give him a second chance.
Think about yourself and your baby. I know you are hurt but time will heal all the pains. Please be Happy.
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