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female
,
anonymous
writes: I love my boyfriend to bits and have done for the past 9 months. We've had an on/off relationship all this time because even though we're crazy about eachother we fall out all the time. Everything is perfect 80% of the time and i honestly think i could spend the rest of my life with this guy. But he likes to get stoned a lot. It's ok when it's just the two of us, but when he's in a group of people he becomes hyperactive and treats me like dirt. He says some really hurtful comments, and even though he's joking it still gets to me. I tell him it pisses me off and we end up falling out over it. I can't ask him to stop taking drugs, because although many people won't agree with me, I don't think that's fair on him as he needs them and I don't want to see him unhappy. We've come such a long way in understanding eachother's habits and weaknesses, this is his only fault. It's not worth breaking up with him because we're both so happy when he's sober, but i can't live like this. What can i do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2006): Perfect and 80% of the time don't mesh.
It isn't good enough nor strong enough of a relationship for you.
The fact that he waits til he is stoned to start expressing his abuse to you should be an indicator-he may have this reaction to drugs or it could be he has those feelings towards you.
Either way, he isn't good for you. He should be respectful of you at all times.
A man who loves you, appreciates you, respects you would not even think to be abusive to you.
If he needs drugs; he's an addict and do you in fact love him the way he needs to support his addiction?
This is an abusive relationship. He is abusive to himself and struggles with hating himself and with hating you. He is resentful and needs help.
You yourself declared you can not live with him and have that sort of lifestyle.
You need to be strong.
Tell him he has an addiction and tell him you will support him in finding and getting help. Both attend the program.
If things do not seem to improve and if you can not trust he is willing to work on changing and giving up the drugs an abuse-leave.
Tell him how you think and feel. Tell him that you don't like how he is with drugs. Tell him you don't deserve-and you don't, no one does-the abuse you take from him when he is stoned. Tell him that love isn't like that.
Get some counselling. Your counsellor will help you and your boyfriend establish a good, sound support system.
I wish you the best.
It isn't always easy to leave someone you care about but in an abusive relationship- it is the best thing to do.
*hugs*
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2006): So there is one thing in your opinion that is ruining your relationship and that is him getting stoned?
Sounds like there is a very simple solution to your problem!
I have extensive experience dealing with drug use and in particular the mindset of stoners and of the negative reactions persistant cannabis use can bring. Taking drugs is all well and good, it can be a lot of fun, but as soon as they start to negatively affect your life, it is time to re-evaluate your drug use.
Ask yourself what would make him happier, getting stoned or being with you? I think really he has to make that choice if your relationship is to continue.
Turn the situation around - if you were the stoner, and you knew you were being nasty to him whenever you were stoned, what would you do? Carry on smoking, or, be determined to quit and show your boyfriend just how dedicated you are and how much you want to "spend the rest of your life" together.
See how things progress and if he puts you down again, I think it is time to be strong and tell him it's either the drugs or you. After all, any normal man would be crazy to choose getting stoned over being in a great relationship with you, wouldn't they?
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A
male
reader, Martyrmachine +, writes (18 July 2006):
 you cannot blame him for acting childish/stupid while being intoxicated - its not his fault, and he's not completely in control.
unless you're an addict, you can always just get away from the 'group' when they get stoned, to avoid your boyfriend saying something stupid & hurtful.
but if you REALLY need to drug yourself, why dont you just do it alone - it doesnt really need to be a group activity (three is a crowd). you could just do it with him, alone, or you could make him want to get stoned with you IN PRIVATE, as you might offer sex or whatever while doing it (if you're willing. guys love baits like these), to make it special for him, not 'another day, getting stoned.'
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