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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been with my husband since I was 16. We have 2 perfect children. We were having problems in our marriage that resulted in him leaving every time he got mad and he cheated on me with one of his now ex-friends girlfriends who is 10 years younger. She is now pregnant. When I found out about them(before I found out she was pregnant)I made him leave. She started calling me all the time, at all hours of the day. We after a few weeks decided to go to counseling to try and save our marriage. Then came the call that she was pregnant. The calls got so bad that I changed the number. Then the mail started, and the threatening calls to my mother's home. The police say they can't do anything about it. Now I am getting emails from her sister and cousin, none of them nice. I don't know why she is bothering me I am not the one that did this. I want to fix my marriage but don't know how I will live with the constant reminder of this now that there is a child involved. I have thought about us possibly raising the child but don't know that I could love it as my own and really don't want to have to deal with her all the time. She says she will keep the child from him and he is fine with that also. He says he wants all or nothing. I am worried about our finances if this turns out to be his child. It is hard enough to make ends meet now. I am so confused! Do I cut my losses and walk away or do I stay? I obsess about this! I have paid off some of our bills saving us 350 a month but should I struggle? He says he will get a second job. Then we will never see him, won't I be suffering then too? Don't know what to do, don't know how to just deal with it and go on with life, he has been my life how do I walk away.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2006): my husband likes to twist things alot. the therapist says i need to realize that this was not an affair but an act of weakness and bad judgement. they both think that i should get over it and work on the marriage but not the current problem because we had problems before. my husband says i play the victim too much because if i am not crying i am mad and want to be left alone. he keeps telling me to go file for child support regardless of what i want to do at this point because we have been told that if she files 1st then the amount i deserve will be lessened. don't know what i want to do about that situation either. i love him very much but he is becoming even more controlling. he has now got lots of insecurity, says he knows he is walking on thin glass with me and could loose me at any minute. so he calls constantly when not home, he wants to know my every move. he has accused me of cheating when he knows that if i am not at work i am with my children. he brings me flowers and cards to say he is sorry all the time. and he tells me how badly he feels for doing this to us. but in the same breath says i make him feel unwanted. how could he be thinking about how i make him feel when he made this problem?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2006): Malyce gives very good advice and I just want to add my 2cents, here. My dear, you have been not just hurt, but severely burned by your relationship with your husband. He is bad to the core and still you are so emotionally blind that you still stay with him and give him your love. What a pair your husband and his ex-mistress are. Due to their selfishness and cheating behaviours, you would be better off without the two of them, in your life. This is not your punishment. However, this is the damage and fall-out from both of their unthinking and brokenhearted behaviors. Ask yourself why you need to put up with all this? Hun, you are dealing with a hostile, resentful pregnant ex mistress here who feels entitled to have your husband, irregardless of the pain both of them, have caused you and your family. Don't allow her to diminish your spirit and that of your family. Your husband has done that, already as he brought this woman smack into the middle of your marriage. How much more of this are you going to tolerate? Right now, your primary focus is to protect yourself and your kids. Try to heal yourself--your spirit, your health and get strong. I can imagine the stress is incredible. Don't spend your days arguing w/your husband about why he would do this to you. That's also a waste of time and emotional energy. Sadly, now that she's pregnant with his child...and he remains with you, you will never be rid of this woman. He will have moral, emotional and financial responsibilities to his child with her. If she's hurting and angry, she won't make it easy for all of you. So make a decison based on your own happiness and that of your kids. Get rid of him, before your whole future becomes a drama riddled soap opera, with you becoming an emotional wreck. If I were you, I'd let her have him because "when a woman cheats with a married man, all she'll get is a married man who cheats". Talk to a good lawyer. Ask around for a lawyer known for winning large divorce judgments in your area. File for not only child support, but spousal support as well. Your husband has thrown away any right he had to a gentle, friendly divorce. Also, look into a obtaining a restraining order against the mistress if she persists in harassing you. When it is all done, and you and your children are getting half his income every month in well-deserved support. Wonder if she'll find him as atttractive when he's only bringing home half his pay-someting tells me, she won't. Maybe not the advice you were looking for, but men like your husband don't deserve your loyalties and love. Face this loss...surround yourself with family and trusted friends. I also recommend you get some family counseling for you and the kids. After what these two have done to you and your kids...you will need some help coping. My heart goes out to you and your children. I am sorry, dear. Take care and good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2006): This man does not have maturity in dealing with his hurt and anger. This walking out and punishing you; this temper tantrum is unacceptable.
Your husband needs counselling. What he is doing is abusive. It may be "mild" but it is still a form of abuse and control over you.
Now he has found someone who is equally abusive.
Think of your children. They do not need this abuse and niether do you.
You shouldn't have to struggle.
All women deserve a man who will provide for his family. In great time of need; a woman must be willing to do so for her marriage and family.
What does your marriage counsellor suggest?
You have put your all into your marriage; how noble. You have practice and continue to practice forgiveness.
Marriage is about trusting in the other and being able to rely in your husband.
Time and again he has betrayed your trust and your marriage.
I know you love him sweetheart, but he is selfish and abusive and you and your children are better off without him if he is not willing to change.
He needs anger management. He needs a private counsellor. You both need a marriage counsellor.
You need to know you can trust and rely in him and on him.
Please be careful of the warning signs of a woman who needs help herself.
Protect your family.
I support your self righteous anger.
Your husband put his whole family at risk with his selfish needs.
I hope I was able to offer you some help.
Goodluck girlfriend and know that many people want you to be strong, trust in yourself.
You deserve the best. You deserve to love yourself and your children. You deserve a loving and reliable husband.
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