A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all thanks for your help first of allI have a horrible problem I need help with. Sorry about the lengh.I went on a holiday with 4 of my friends one of them is my boyfriends brothers girlfriendSide note: I've been with my bf 8 years been friends with her for 18 years and she's met my bfs brother through me they've been together 3 years.Anyway on the holiday she cheated on him it was on a night I stayed in and she never told me I had absolutely no idea.She came clean to her bf after 2 months and he forgave her.Problem is my boyfriend asked why I didn't tell him I explained I had no idea he doesn't believe me because he thinks me n my friend tell each other everything I said it was obviously because she thought I would tell my bf if she told me.I've never ever had trust issues with my bf like none at all we both enjoy active social lives and the freedom to do so.He's now questioning if I've ever cheated on him I explained I never ever have and that is the truth I've never even been tempted. He said he doesn't believe me because I clearly lied to him about my friend but I didn't know. If I did know I wouldn't have told him I would have given her an ultimatum to tell her bf or I would. I'm not a gossip and I dnt want this whole friends dating brothers thing to become an issue so me and my friend made a pact not to discuss things that would compromise our trust with each other or our respective relationships which I also told him is why she wouldn't have told me.So now he is asking me to do a f**king lie detector test!! And I'm heart broken in 8 years I've never seen him behave this way it's so unattractive to me and it's like it's a different person. He has absolutely no empathy towards how him asking me this is making me feel. I told him that trust in a relationship isn't just based on not betraying each other but believing what the other person is telling you he has broken a trust we have been making stronger and stronger for 8 years!!! When he asked me I cried my eyes out and he asked me if they were crocodile tears to get out of it! He's the most caring affectionate man I know and he just watched me break with out even stopping to ask if I was ok. What I want to say to him is I'll do your your shitty lie detector and then we're over That will make me look guiltyI want to refuse to do it That will make me look guiltyI want him to just believe me but he's broken my trust in him now to think awful things about me for no good reason I'm in shock as I'm writing this I love him with all my heart every single part of me I'm broken! I'm writing about someone I don't even know! Is there anyway to get past this or have things gone to far ? How can things have gone from perfect to over?Am I justified in my reaction? Or am I crazy? I think of trust like a seesaw with two equally weighted people on each side if one jumps off the other falls off too. The trust is gone there's nothing left! Thanks for reading and taking the time to answer. I don't expect you all, if anyone, to agree with my reaction so please be as brutally honest as you feel necessary. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 July 2017):
 I totally GET why you feel taking the polygraph would vindicate you but in reality... it doesn't.
He won't automatically go:" OH so she really didn't cheat!" He will presume that polygraphs are unreliable (and they are from time to time) or that you somehow beat it.
I don't think you OWE him to take the test. I think on SO many levels REFUSING to take the test shows more GRIT and SELFRESPECT than placating his paranoia.
If he is WILLING to destroy an 8 year relationship over HIS own insecurities then there is NOTHING you can do. And it seems like he is.
I'm sorry, OP. WHY should you prove that you didn't cheat? Are you on trial here? IF he thinks you cheated let HIM prove that you did. (and he can't because you didn't).
After 8 years together HE should know you well enough to TRUST you (and vice verse). Would YOU have done the same if HIS brother had cheated on your friend? Accused your BF and demanding a polygraph? My guess is no, because it's UNREASONABLE.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 July 2017):
 Thanks for the follow-up, OP!
You don't look guilty by refusing a polygraph. Your boyfriend wouldn't be satisfied even with the results of it, and once you're on the PG, it most likely will be abused, and "loaded" questions will be asked of you such as "Have you ever thought about cheating". "Do you think you're a good person?" "Have you ever found another man more attractive than your boyfriend?" "has another man made a pass at you?" and it goes on and on.
Do a Youtube search of the game show "Moment of Truth" where people JUST LIKE YOU got hooked up to polygraphs and failed them when they otherwise were truthful.
Jealousy is NEVER satisfied. You should NEVER give up your rights or privacy because of someone else's insecurity. NEVER hand over passwords. NEVER hand over cell phones. NEVER hand over Facebook or anything. LOCK UP your cell phone. CHANGE your passwords. Just because you are with someone doesn't mean you surrender your privacy to them. I personally would never give out a speck of my private information to anyone I wasn't MARRIED to, with all of the protections of the legal system involved. My husband didn't get my passwords or anything until we said "I do".
Just like Retroactive Jealousy is only made 100x worse when the partner starts giving explicit details about past sexual encounters or relationships, actual Jealousy is made 100X worse when the partner makes the worst mistake of ACCOMMODATING that jealousy. Demanding a polygraph is NOT a normal request, but an obsessive one.
Here's something you can tell your boyfriend, hopefully before you dump his ass:
1. If your friend deceived your boyfriend's brother, it would be logical that she would deceive you.
2. She cheated while she was with you because you were used as an ALIBI. She didn't tell you because she knew you wouldn't approve.
3. Your boyfriend is profaning an 8-year relationship. It's possible that HE wants out, as the two of you got together pretty young, and this might be an indicator of his USING this as an excuse to get out of the relationship without looking like the bad guy. Men are group animals -- they get married when they see friends doing it, and they break up when they see friends doing it.
DO NOT get the polygraph. HE looks insane for demanding it without cause. Change your passwords because you can guarantee that he's trying to snoop or hack, and that's against the law and it's a violation of YOUR trust.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (19 July 2017):
 OP, is I'm being honest, your guys' trust issues seem to really have little to do with you. He seems like he's really insecure and it seems like he always has been but only now it's starting to show.
To me, as with other aunts and uncles on here, he has blown this totally out of proportion. I don't blame you for feeling like giving up because it's such a slap in the face being accused of something that you really did not do. I, myself, have been in your position many a time however, I do not take kindly to being accused of cheating because I may be a lot of things, but a cheater isn't one of them.
Quite frankly, now is the time to assess your relationship. Clear your mind and really think if this is for you. You could explain to him the facts of the matter and take the test but what happens each time he doesn't trust you? how many more tests will you be forced to take in future?
Perhaps it's time to assess and if you guys don't come out on top, then I would let the relationship thing go.
If he doesn't trust you then it will never work because a relationship is nothing without trust.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 July 2017):
 Woa..! That's quite a jump from "did you cover for you friend" to "you cheated on me".
Makes me think, and don't shoot me if Im wrong, but such a wild reaction makes me think there is something else going on. Such as he cheated on you. And now he's trying to make you confess to cheating so that he can feel less guilty himself. Otherwise, where is this all coming from?
He has broken your trust and he's taken this thing out of it's original context and blown it out of proportions. And you got to ask yourself why he does this. No one except a mentally ill person would make such a connection and hold on to it: your friend cheated so you must also cheat. Given that he is mentally well and not ill, there can only be a reason why he does this: he has other motives. He INTENDS to cause a problem out of this, for some reason. So my first suspicion is that he himself has cheated, and now wants you to confess to cheating to make himself look better. Or, he wants to end the relationship, and he wants to end it for a reason other than "I didn't want a relationship any more" and instead be able to play the pity me card and say "I ended it because she cheated".
Either way, the relationship is over, I am afraid. But really, he is the one ending it. Not you. So nothing you can do about it to save it, because he doesn't want this to be saved. He wants this to end, and this is how he wants it to play out. He wants the huge argument so he can end things guilt free.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2017): I would say 8 is a magic number! Here is your boyfriend making assumptions and judging you for something your friend did.
This is no relationship but a friendship quadrangle.
Alas it just blew away like a kite.
Mr Cold and Merciless is acting like a cold and arrogant bit of debris.
It was a buy one get one free arrangement if you are both to be judged the same according to your gender!
Personally I think the cat is out of the bag and his hard nosed demands are born of guilt.
Perhaps he is the one she cheated with and he is assuming you did his brother in return.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (18 July 2017):
 I don't think you are overreacting one iota. This is sad beyond sad. Your boyfriend has just assumed that "one chick lies, they all lie". Pure BS. I know you are hurting and don't want to believe that a man you thought you knew could be acting this way but try and look at it from another point of view. Long term, he has done you a favor. You have seen a part of him that you never thought would have existed, but it does.
I wouldn't tolerate this type of behavior. He either trusts you or he doesn't. You are not the friend, and her actions are not yours. He's being stupid and careless with his treatment of you.
I know you may not wish to look at it this way right now but I think you dodged a bullet. 8 years and he automatically assumes that you are lying and covering for someone??? Come on! What would this man be like if you married him? Makes you wonder.
There is no way in hades I'd take a lie detector test for him. Beyond ridiculous. If it were me, I'd say straight out, if you don't trust me, then its over. He'll realize what he's done. Maybe not right away, but he will and he will look/feel like a fool. If you end it, don't take him back. He's not worth it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 July 2017):
The problem with this whole scenario is that your BF has lost trust in YOU over something a friend did. Something you knew nothing about. Taking a lie detector test will NOT change his mind. He will not get an aha! moment when you pass the test. Or let's say because you are nervous (even if you haven't lied) it comes back inconclusive.
A LIE detector test is a TOOL for CRIMINAL cases and even then they are not accepted 100% as the truth.
YOU are NOT a criminal nor did you do any CRIMINAL acts and should NOT be subjected to demands for a test.
Out of PRIDE, I would be considering taking the test (he can pay for it) JUST to see his SMUG face when he sees there WAS no lie or deception. A FUCK you! to his face! But I would probably (out of pride, disapointment, and anger, to be frank) tell him to go kick rocks and end it. Because if he after 8 years has SO little trust and faith in you what's the point in being together?
And after that, I would reconsider this relationship. That he can go from being a good loving and trusting BF to someone who talks to you like you are a criminal and HAVE done bad things because SOMEONE else did - he might not BE someone I'd settle down and have kids with.
Once the "I think you are cheating on me" is out of the bag it STAYS out. That bit of distrust doesn't go away. It just doesn't - lie detector test or not.
I'd pack my shit and get out. I'd tell him that I do NOT deserve to be treated like this. And I have NO intentions to placate his paranoia.
I bet you that your friend didn't tell you for several reasons. 1. she didn't want you to look at her in a different light. 2. she wasn't proud of it. and 3. she didn't want you to tell HER BF or your own. There are WAY more reasons for her to NOT tell YOU than there are for telling you.
Your BF is being a total dick. I would say peace out! and walk away. Now IF he then realizes AFTER that HE made a mistake I might reconsider getting back together but honestly what if this behavior has been 8 years in the making? If he REALLY thinks SO little of you?
Have you asked him WHAT happens AFTER the test? will he then TRUST you as he ought? Will you regain the respect you quite obviously have lost for him over his recent behavior? Things will NOT get back to what they USED to be before this.
I'm so sorry OP this must be Hell for you.
Chin up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2017): I'm with everyone else here, he's not showing a decent side to him and the relationship is being destroyed by his actions. You've done nothing wrong, at all. I'd also take the test and then give him the results and tell him he's treated you disgustingly and the relationship is over. Because the test will show you're innocent, but in his head he'll still think you tricked the test, or the test was faulty. If your word wasn't good enough for him, then he's not good enough for you. You're not your friend and shouldn't be judged yourself based in her actions. While ending a relationship would be devastating, he's shown a side to him that isn't to your liking and he's let himself and you down.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2017): Hi All, Original poster here!Thank you all so much for your answers I'm glad I'm not going crazy!So update I am at work at the moment but when I get home I'm going to end things with my partner of 8 years because I do not deserve this and nothing will be the same. I think heart break is inevitable now and I may aswell bite the bullet. I've been with him since I was 19 now 27 so the next few months will be hard and I'm sure i'll be back here. But I really want to do the lie detector test because I don't want him to feel vindicated in his behaviour due to my refusal to participate. I want him to know what he's lost (maybe that's because I'm still in love with him obviously) I hate the thought of him even thinking I cheated on him let alone actually believing his own madness. I want to be perfect in his eyes again because I want him to feel like he's made the biggest mistake of his life!(so far) I don't think I can get closure without proving I never cheated on him. Is it really a bad idea to go ahead with it? Something I never mentioned in my question I think my friends behaviour was absolutely disgusting and in no way do I agree with it and I made that clear to my BF. My mum cheated on my dad and it almost killed him I would never ever cheat.
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A
male
reader, froglegs  +, writes (18 July 2017):
I bet it has done good to get this out, you are right with "I think of trust like a seesaw with two equally weighted people on each side if one jumps off the other falls off too. The trust is gone there's nothing left!
He is letting his insecurity out, this has rocked his trust and no matter what test you do he will think deep down the test is not right and you cheated on him somewhere at sometime
I would say it is over for you guys brake up go your own way, he will come back to you in a few weeks when he can't take not having sex on tap, this is when you have to be strong and let him know he had a good thing and he fu ked it up,
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (18 July 2017):
 I agree with the others.
I'd dump him also, for these accusations to come out is absolutely crazy. You have done nothing wrong from what you've told us and I don't think he will ever drop this against you. He's treating you like some kind of criminal, what person in their right mind demands their partner do a lie detector test? They either believe them or they don't and your BF obviously doesn't believe you.
So no, I don't think the trust can be rebuilt and quite frankly I wouldn't waste my time attempting to.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 July 2017):
You said this:
"What I want to say to him is I'll do your your shitty lie detector and then we're over"
Actually, I'd skip the first part of that and say "We're over". YOU didn't break his trust. It's not an admission of guilt to NOT hand over your right to privacy. The whole "I have nothing to hide" is crap. No one puts you on a damn polygraph unless it's court ordered, or you're taking a job in MI-5 or the CIA for a security clearance.
Here's why your boyfriend is acting like a complete IDIOT, and this I'd like to call "Guilt by association".
His brother's girlfriend cheated on him. Right now, he's the receptacle of his brother's anger and anguish, and his BROTHER is looking for someone to blame. The phrase "You better check your own girlfriend" has come up, because just like we women sometimes commiserate with our friend, drink a glass of wine together, and help cheer our devastated friend by calling the cheating rat every name in the book, and some take it so far as to lament the overall unfaithfulness of the male gender (I KNOW they're not really like that, so none of you uncles get upset at me!), that's exactly what your boyfriend and his brother are doing.
Your boyfriend wants to lash out, and he's also insecure that you're a cheating comrade-in-arms with your best friend. What that idiot of a boyfriend of yours doesn't consider is -- people who conceal stuff like this are good at it and tend to conceal it from MORE than just their partners! It would be natural for your friend to hide her cheating from you because of your close proximity to your boyfriend's brother.
Your boyfriend needs a dose of reality. You are not your friend. You are NOT her keeper. If a close friend of mine were cheating, if my husband were to express an insecurity about my unfaithfulness, the first time he did it, I'd reassure him that I'm faithful. I'd comfort him and tell him that I was as deceived as he and his brother was.
HOWEVER, if any guy I was with started in on me like your boyfriend is on you, I'd tell him to knock it off, that you're not taking a polygraph, that you're not giving up a shred of privacy or giving ground to assuage HIS insecurity or coddle him anymore. If he DARED to call me "guilty" and I wasn't, I'd drop him.
YOU DID NOT break 8 years of trust. HE is breaking it right here, right now, by treating you scandalously. He is mistreating you because his brother's crisis has him shaken, like a tornado that hits the next door neighbor's house and leaves yours standing. I've seen that firsthand up close, and it's traumatic.
Seriously. Tell him you're taking a break, that he can call you when he gets over whatever this is. Tell him that if he comes to his senses and wants you back, that MAYBE you'll be there for him. But maybe, this is an idea of how he'll treat you when times are tough.
I don't know about you, but I'd rather be with a guy who stands up FOR me than automatically assumes the worst out of someone they say they love the most. It should be the opposite. HE has broken your trust that he would be there for you.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (18 July 2017):
 Oh sweetheart, you are not over reacting. I want to grab your silly boyfriend by the throat and shake some sense into him.
You do realize that lie detector tests are not 100% accurate, don't you? Even if you pass it, he will say you found some way to "fool" it and still not believe you. And what about next time something happens and he chooses not to believe you? Will you have to spend the rest of your life proving your innocence with tests? I would not even entertain the idea of doing this test. It is below your dignity and it will not help.
In your shoes I would tell him the truth one last time and then say, "You either believe me or you don't. If you don't then we are over because it is pointless carrying on if you don't trust me."
Much as it will hurt you, it will hurt you a lot more to stay with him if he is going to punish you for things other people do because you have no control over those things.
Stay strong.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (18 July 2017):
 Make a booking for the lie detector test, use his credit card to pay for it upfront. Take the test and when the results come back shove them up his left nostril, telling him thanks for nothing and then dump his sorry arse.
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