A
male
age
41-50,
*eedlee
writes:I would like to share my story with you all it is unique in its own way and i would very much appreciate any help and advice you can give me.Me and my ex were together for 7 years 6 months i am now 25 and she is now 23, we met when we were teenagers and we were each other's first for everything and she was my first LT relationship as i was to her. Things were amazing between us and i have never known anyone who i could connect with and share everything with, even right down to very personalproblems and she was the same.at first it was a long distance relationship, i met her while on holiday and when we both had to go home we kept in touch by e-mail phone etc, i lived over a 100 miles away. we both loved each other so much we did anything to be together and i would often be on the train every weekend to go see her and she would do the same.Her parents knew how much we ment to each other and they eventually let me move in. I had just finished college and looked forward to the new life with her.I lived with her and her family for 4 yrs and things were fantastic between us we used to talk a lot everyday/night about everything i honestly thought we would be together for life. We confided in each other she was my best friend and soulmate.She used to write me love letters everyday before she left for school and she would run home everyday at lunch to see me if only for 5 min. we eventually ran into problems with her family and we were under great pressure to move out i think we kind of got under their skin and they really wanted us out to get there own space back it was a large family so i can understand their frustration.i moved out on my own at first and got a job about an hour away from her and her family and rented a flat out near my work ina lovely small town i managed to do this all on my own within a month and my girlfriend couldn't wait to move in. so she did and we were settling intoour new place.In the mean time i think my girlfriend's mum started to dislike me for taking her daughter away so to speak and got very jelous which issilly because it was her that pushed us out.I think she hoped that i would move and my g/f would stay but that didn't happen. anyway things were great between us, sure we had our ups and downs like any relationship but we got through it ok. about a year after we moved in my g/f became pregnant and she basically paniked!! she wanted an abortion etc she said she wasn't ready etc, we were both heartbroken! but went ahead with the abortion, i found it very difficult and in my own way of dealing with this i shut myself off and basicly didn't talk about this and tried to get on with life. my g/f on the other hand found it very hard and took it very badly and wanted to talk about it a lot so we did talk often but i found it so difficult to talk about it ,i would burst into tears at the mear thought of it.we did eventually sit down and talk things through for hours! and at the end of it she was happy and so was i so life carried on. she started to go out a lot more often without me with her friends and got close to her friend's brother, she always insisted he was just a friend and i accepted that untill one day we were play fighting in the bedroom being silly and she called me his name!!! at first i was shocked but didn't think anything of it.about a week after that she said she wanted to split up with me!!!! no explanation!! i was broadsided to say the least, absolutely gutted! the girl i thought would be with me forever just said she wanted to split up! so of course after an hour of begging etc i left to my mum's house which is just down the road and stayed there the night. the next day i went to work in the morning i was there about an hour and had this feeling come over me to go home???so i did and on the way bought some flowers for her i put my key in the front door and heared her run for the door she didn't want to let me in!!i pushed my way into the house and sure enough he was stood in our front room i didn't get a chance to say a word and he said i'm sorry really sorry and walked out.I thought nothing of it as they were friends?!???. i asked what was that all about and she came clean she said to me that he was there as shewanted to tell him that she loved me and wanted to try again and she came clean that the two of them got close but only went as far as kissing?? i was once again so hurt that she didn't tell me any of this! every day she sent me love letters and txt messages saying how happy she was with me, i didn't have a clue anything was wrong with her!we talked and agreed to get back together and sort things out and she promised to communicate with me about any doubts, problems, anything with each other etc.so we did and the first step was move into a house, more space, garden etc!.we were there for about a year when things started to go funny again. in the mean time her family had moved out to spain and she didnt take this well and really missed them understandably so she used to go out there once every two months for a week to visit i had no problem with this at all and was happy for her to be with them. in the mean time she would txt me 10 times a day saying that im her soulmate etc and i did the same we had great fun together and things i thought were going ok.she started to visit spain more often like twice a month it did worry me! but what could i say it was her family! i asked her all the time if she was ok and happy and asked how she felt with me and she always said that she loved me more than ever and could not live without me. i was not needy i gave her space she had a good time while she was there. she started to talk about a bloke over there that was a close friend to the family and how he made her laugh etc i did get jelous and ask if she liked him but she said no he was just a friend. ok i thought and believed her. the last time she went to spain she was really distant with me in txt messages and i knew something was going on!. when she came back she was happy to see me that day and we had a laugh made love etc and i made her a meal that i did everytime she came back and we layed on the sofa in each others arms watching tv.the very next day i get a txt message in work saying im sorry i need to get away for a few months. once again i was heart broken but kind of understood she didn't go out much and didnt really have any friends hear with me becasue she moved in with me away from her home town and now her family were in spain. i begged that night for her to stay but she really was cold and said she was going. so once again i move into my mums while she was at our house for a few days before her flight.I popped round to get some stuff the day before she went and we had a chat i said is there a chance for us in the future? she wasn't sure but she said ill always be in her heart and that one day maybe we will be back together. basicly she made it out that she wanted me there incase things went wrong in spain but i do believe she cared alot it was hard for her and she was in tears and so was i!!. once again i asked why she was doing this and that we have everything here a nice house car, jobs,holidays etc etc she said she missed her family and wanted to be with them for a while. i was going to propose to her 6 months later on our holiday we had booked to the caribean. i told her this and she said i had a feeling you would i said i suppose you will never want to marry me she said "not now".her phone kept going off and she didnt look to see who it was from it bugged me and i had my suspitions anyway! once again beep beep her phone i said aren't you going to see who that is she shrugged it off and said it was her mum. i didnt believe her and i grabbed her phone she panicked and shouted give it back and said dont!!.then she came clean that she was seeing this so called family friend in spain!!! i was absolutely gutted i mean heartbroken my eyes lit up with tears and i fell to my knees!!. i left at this point and went to my mums. shes been gone for 8 weeks and ive remained in NC the last time i heared from her was when she left for spain she txt me and said you can go back to the house now im so sorry you will be in my heart take care xx.that was 8 weeks ago she left me with the house, bills,furniture, car everything!!!! just walks out on me after 7.5 years of what i thought was a happy loving relationship she did not once stop to communicate and say she was unhappy with us up untill the day before i was hersoulmate?!?. i asked her while she was in spain if she felt like staying there she txt back and said this exact words " you need not worry about me moving to spain its you i want to be with i love and miss you so much"I know for a fact that she had feelings for me she kissed and cuddled me before going i wore a nice shirt and jeans to look good just before she went and she went for my top button and said keep my chest covered up!!?? and kissed me on the lips.she also said be carefull with anna about 10 times which is a work mate of mine who has the hots for me and she knows it and waved me goodbye! she found it hard and was in tears herself. im in agony how the hell after so long could she do this!! she always said she was happy!. she did say to me that deep down i want us to get back together again in a while but i cant promise ill have a change of heart. to me this is back up plan talk or atleast i think.ive given her time and space and did say before she left that i love you and always will and i said clearly that i hope for the best for you and good luck and if you have a change of heart let me know i tried so hard to be calm and supportive. i know what she did was totally wrong but part of me thinks she is young and just wants to see whats out there ive been with her since she was 15 and only knows life with me. everytime she went spain her mum did her best to make it exiting by taking her out go-karting/clubbing restaurants every day etc and made it out to be sowonderfull over there. almost to subconciously say to her that look what your missing while your at home with him in england. and the fact that this guy has been hitting on her and turning on the charm has no doubt flattered her.and she finds him attractive also is adding to her confusion.we both went through our photos etc and shared them out she insisted on keeping pictures of me and we had a giggle as we went through them going through old times, memmories etc she kept her teddy bears that i gave her and all the things i bought her that had little value but had alot of sentimental value that remind her of me. i know she had feelings for me but maybe not enough.??Am i being to soft by letting her go so easilly and being supportive after what she did to me? if she did want to come back i would deffinatly notconsider it unless she REALLY!!! kissed my ass and hounded my phone everyday for a month to say sorry.but i am a good bloke im honest good looking have a great job i wasn't needy and didnt shower her with gifts everday but i was supportive and always went out of my way to let her know that i loved her and we were really close and always talked and had a laugh for hours. even the sex was great and she never complained!.im so confused right now thinking i did something wrong!! and i can't be angry with her becasue i love her so much! if only she did have a problemthen why not tell me i was always approchable and she knew it. instead of putting her heart into us she left for someone she only knew a matter of weeks! 7.5 years down the drain why!?!!!!!!no closure nothing all i know is she is with someone else and her family in spain what chance do i have now??? im so sorry if this is longer than it should be but we did so much that is missing in this post after 7.5yrs its hard to tell the story as im seeing it.can anybody shed any light on this and help me and is NC the right thing to do now??? will she come back?? or atleast be in touch??i was such a big part of her life how can she forget me??? so far 8 weeks nc nothing!! im loosing faith here!thank you if you have read this any help would be much appreciated as im lost and confused !!!!
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abortion, best friend, flowers, friend's brother, get back together, heartbroken, I love you, kissing, long distance, moved in, moved out, my ex, on holiday, soulmate, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, roj  +, writes (6 January 2008):
i really feel the pain that you're experiencing right now, becoz u know why...I'm dealing the same issues as you did now..for six years we've been together, but living apart. we have a son,but I and my son lived w/ my family , while he lived w/ his family,,,we dated for 3months and get pregnant and decided to continue the relationship, i was about to graduate then and its really hard in my part because i need to finish school,take care of my baby and worked part time...its not easy, but we have surpassed it all..he stopped from school get a job so that we can finance our baby...but then a lot of problems occured yearly,,,diff. scenarios,,diff. problems ...but we surpassed the trial and stay happy w/ our relationship,,i have sacrificed a lot bec. despite of his immaturity and being irresponsible,,I continued to loved him and support him...i thought he's happy too...he visit my son ones in awhile, and we had time for each other during my day offs...its not easy on my part because i kept longing for him..but our time has limitations ...we keep our dreams and have plans getting married next year...for 6 years, we are happy and enjoyed our relationship,, we have fun, we talk a lot about things,,,I didn't take take noticed that he is bored w/ our relationship..for 1 month i felt the coldness,,the sweetness has gone,, the spark of love in his eyes...I confronted him and he said he got bored w/ our relationship...he found someone else, get amazed w/ the girl..and he said he's in love with her...just like that...as easy as that..he didn't even think of our son...our family...it really hurts me..because he left me in a sudden w/ no one to hold on...but because I LOVE him soo much,,i set him free..even thoughit will hurt me too much...the scar is still fresh,,i dont know where to get support...i dont know where to start,to pick up the bits and pieces that was broken...im still hurting right now...i dont know when to move on...because im still hoping he'll change he's mind and come back to me...I dont know what to expect in the future,,im a total mess right now...I just want to let you know that your not alone...i too feel the pain that you're feeling right now...hopefully I can overcome these trials..and move on with life.Pray..maybe in God's time he'll find a perfect match for us...maybe God has a plan for us...maybe time will tell...well never know,,,,good luck to us.....hope you can log on to my website [e-mail removed]...maybe you'll need a friend to listen and care, the way I do now......
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (3 January 2008):
 Hi,
sorry dude, we see a lot of stories like this especially where two people get together at a very young age. One usually gets cold fee at some stage and feels as though they are missing out on life by committing to only one person.
It looks like your ex defintely is still in love with you but she is not able to committ to you anymore. I dare say the abortion drama brought out a lot of feelings which lead her to thinking more independently. You said yourself you were closed off to her during this period. These things happen and while you guys made up perhaps something inside her made her determined to live her life a bit more before she settles down.
She's probably very confused herself, torn between her love for you and the desire to experience new things in life with other people, you are just going to have to let her go and get on with your own life. Don't let her string you along, as this will get you nowhere and only lead to more heartbreak.
good luck
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A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (3 January 2008):
 Hey Leedle
That is such a heartfelt story! The truth is there is not much I can say... she decided to leave and you have been supportive, yet there was really nothing else you could do. The fact is both of you had a great relationship, and probably the fact that you had it at such a young age has a lot to do with her wanting to live something else. She wants to try new experiences and new people, although you two might have had a great relationship, it can't be great until you get to compare it with something else (maybe thats what she thinks). If she had not comparison, then maybe she took for granted what you two had. In time, she will probably miss your relationship, however, this itself does not mean she will come back.
You could take a flight and have a face to face conversation in which you have some closure (you certainly deserve it), you could have this conversation over the phone (although it is definitely not the same). You could try to find out if there is something to wait for... but if I were in your feet, I wouldn't. Maybe time will unite the two of you again when she is ready to settle down, but for now, you should concentrate in letting go. This is the second time she goes to someone else when she is obviously not as happy as she seems. She was not able to communicate her feelings or needs to you. She has left with no warning to be with someone else. She might not be ready to have a serious monogamous long term relationship, and that is not your fault! But that is her decision and there is not much you can do about that.
Letting go is really difficult. Much more so for such a long time relationship, but people come and go in our lives, without warning. We learn to appreciate the good times, learn from the bad times and move on. You have become a stronger person, you seem to be a great guy. Mourn your loss, have your closure and expect great thing from the future!
Best of lucks.
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