A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I accidentally found my birth brother on facebook a few days ago and I don't know if I should contact him or what I would even say to not freak him out. My mother gave him up for adoption 30 years ago and though we did get in touch with him 8 years ago through an agency, he wasn't ready to actually meet or talk etc. I really don't want to invade his life or his privacy but selfishly, I can't bare the weight of the tears my mother has shed over the guilt of ever letting him go. She regretted it as soon as she did it but she didn't know her legal rights back then. What would you do? No matter what I do - I have permission from my mother. She trusts me, likely as she has no idea how to work facebook at all.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2017): Provided that you treat this very delicately (along the lines of Fishdish's suggestion) I think it would be positive to contact him.
Even if he doesn't feel that he wants to get in contact at least he'll know that you tried. And the facebook communication method will then be there waiting for him in the future if/ when he ever decided that he was able to.
A lot of the hurt of being adopted must be in feeling 'unwanted'. So I feel it would be more difficult for him to be the one chasing you down either via official parties or on social media even if he regretted not being ready to get to know you both 8 years ago.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2017): I can't say I am not dispointment by the majority of answers ... wanted you to give me the green light *smiles*. But as My own father was also adopted, I see where you are coming from. Thanks everyone for the advice.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 January 2017):
 I would not contact him either. I know it's been 8 years and your mom hopes for contact, but unfortunately, it IS up to him to contact HER (or you) if that is what he wants.
I wouldn't push for contact. He is over 30 so he knows how to search for people on the Internet (Facebook or otherwise) or contact the agency.
If you mom hasn't already, she can WRITE him a letter and leave it with the agency. If she feels like she wants to tell him HER side of the story. That might be an idea. At least that way she won't "lose" him for a 3rd time if he rejects contact again.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (27 January 2017):
 As nice as it would be to send a letter, I think it would feel like harassment to him, if he's already said no to contact and you've dug up his private information (address) to send a letter he doesn't want.
I really feel for all of you, but he may have come to terms with it and not want to connect with either of you, so trying again may just dig up horrible memories for him and you don't know how much that may negatively affect his life.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (26 January 2017):
 As your main aim seems to be for your mother to be able to tell him how sorry she is that she had him adopted, in your shoes I would discretely try to make contact. However, if he is still adamant that he does not want contact with you, could you find out where he lives perhaps and get your mother to write him a letter, telling him what happened and how sorry she is? Perhaps if you can't find out where he lives, you could scan your mother's letter and send it him via private message on Facebook?A very sad situation and painful for all of you, including your brother.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (26 January 2017):
He's much older than you and would have been able to search for you on Facebook or through an agency and has decided not to. I know it's hard, but I think you need to respect his decision and leave him be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2017): Fishdish, the brother was put up for adoption 30 years ago so he's at least 30 years old.. I agree with both posters.. this is a delicate situation and should be approached as such.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (26 January 2017):
 Because he wasn't interested 8 years ago I feel that this needs to be approached very delicately.
We don't know what he was told about the circumstances of his birth, or if he had a troubled childhood ... and there is a chance he blamed your mother for some of that.
Do you know anything of his life today, and are you sure reaching out wont be inviting more trouble into your mother's life?
If you do decide to reach out keep it simple, and be prepared for rejection. If he does indicate a willingness to meet keep it low key until you both feel comfortable.
What ever you decide, I wish all of you the best.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (26 January 2017):
 How old is he now? I think if he's 18 or older, I would reach out, but if he were a minor I wouldn't feel comfortable putting a young person in that position. And I would just phrase it as, "Hi X, look it's been a while, I know last time you said you weren't ready or interested, but you just happened to come up on my feed, and I thought I would reach out to see if you have had a change of heart. I respect your decision either way, just know we're here if you want to reconnect someday." Something along those lines so he doesn't feel too much pressure and like he has decision making power in all of this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2017): If he already knows who you are he could have searched for you on Facebook and gotten in touch with you himself. The fact that he hasn't once in all these years tried to contact you despite knowing that you want a relationship with him tells me he isn't ready. I would just let him be. This situation is tough for all three of you. Sending hugs.
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