A
female
age
30-35,
*ustnicky
writes:well i am 16 years old. and i am now 6 months pregnant with a son of my boyfriend for 3 years. he wanted me to get an abortion but i couldn't bring myself to do it. he kind of got used to the idea or so i thought. now he is treating me like shit by insulting me calling me names constantly, and lying. he has never smoked before and i caught him smoking on the porch one night. i asked him why he was lying and he said because he could. i'm so confused, one minute he tells me that he loves me and the next he is calling me a piece of shit. what do i do. please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): Wow Jmtmj, I tip my hat off to you, 5 stars for that.
I lost my sympathy for men that act that way a long ago, to me it's inconceivable anyone would abandon their child. As for OP's boyfriend you're right about his age and rebelling I think I lay responsibility on peoples actions no matter what the age. If an 8 year old was to commit a murder then they should get the same punishment as an adult that committed that murder, as the consequence of that act are the same.
Your point about this being him freaking out is a great one, which I overlooked. Each of us handle things differently and the fact he didn't want this baby makes it even clearer that he's perhaps panicking and if he is indeed a teenager it makes more sense but he will have to do what everyone else does and get over it, and grow up.
OP you've gotten some great advice here to think about. Especially largentsgirl89's point about talking to your parents and getting advice from them, keep them informed as much as possible. They know you and him and they can give you better advice than any of us.
Oh and congratulations.
A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (23 February 2011):
 I am so sorry that you are going through this and at such a young age and pregnant. Congratulations by the way.
Your bf sounds like a typical 16 yr old male, even at 25 men are still running from having children and committment shocker there.
As a fellow single mother I believe it's time for your bf to grow up. Yes, he is scared about havinga child and being responsible for that child for the next eighteen years (legally) and probably doesn't know what to do or think. But hey, did anyone take into consideration that you are also sixteen and probably scared about having a child as well?
Talk to your bf about the baby coming and let him tell you honestly how he feels and you do the same. You guys need to have communication, even if you don't stay together, you still have to tolerate each other because you have a baby together.
I fully believe in that when you two had sex you knew the consequences of having sex and whether he came inside of you or the condom broke, this is happening for a reason. It's time for him to grow up and figure out (with you) what your guys' next step is and then go from there. His behavior is inexcusable. Do his parents know? What do they say? Do yours know and what do they say?
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (23 February 2011):
 Don't get me wrong cerberus, I'm not excusing his behavior whatsoever, I'm simply explaining what I think may be "up" with him and perhaps in a way explaining why I can sympathize with his situation... I'm currently dating a woman whom when she found out she was pregnant, was told by her long term boyfriend that he wanted nothing to do with her or the baby.
She was devastated, not only by him, but by the fact that she was told that she was past the stage where she could get an abortion and so she endured a pregnancy in complete agony, not telling a soul because she planned on "giving up" the child secretly upon birth. Nobody whatsoever knew she was even pregnant until she rocked up one day holding a baby, having faced a crisis of conscience and choosing to accept single-motherhood. Having known her for years, it was upon her making this decision (at potentially great sacrifice to her own dating and social life), did I actually start becoming attracted to her after such a massive demonstration of her moral integrity.
I'll be the first to admit that I have no respect whatsoever for such pathetic excuses for men... however, when I try remembering what life was like when I was 16... I can only speak for myself, but I could barely get an assignment in by the due date, was incredibly irresponsible, immature and shirked commitment whenever I could. If something like this happened to me in high school... I can't honestly say that I couldn't have possibly acted in the same way as Justnicky's boyfriend.
Its very easy to say that if you have unprotected sex that you were well aware of the risks and accept complete responsibility for your actions. However cerberus, you know as well as I how teenagers can slip through the cracks of what (in my high school experience anyways) is generally compulsory and exhaustively informative sexual education classes.
Yet at no point in my hormone charged teenage years would I have ever mentally considered myself prepared, or even think it likely that I would get a girl pregnant. At an age when the law doesn't even allow you to drive, get a credit card, drink, rent a car or gamble, its still possible to bring new life into this world and be expected to take full responsibility for his/her upbringing for the next 18 years...?? That's rough.
Its no surprise that teenage guys feel completely unprepared and after exhausting every avenue in order to get out of an overwhelming responsibility, run... Consider this, as a minor, if they break the law then they are subject to different accountability and more lenient sentences for an identical crime had they committed it as an adult. So how can society (or ourselves as adults), hold them to adult standards of morality and responsibility?
I've gotten off topic justnicky, for that I apologize... and cerberus was right, I completely failed to answer your original question, so let me try to rectify that now.
He's never smoked before, yet you caught and called him up on it. I stand by what I originally said... I still think he's rebelling. I'm a smoker and I know that smoking calms me down... I also remember lighting up a smoke whilst talking to an ex who hated me smoking, simply because I wanted her to get away from me. By you calling him on it I think he saw a situation in which he could rebel and show to you, but also to himself, that he's still in control (to some degree) of his life. (but obviously, I can only speculate).
Now that is somewhat justifiable, perhaps even excuse-able. However, insulting you and calling you names is by NO WAY justifiable... no matter how old you are. Six year old's learn that this is not acceptable behavior, so he doesn't have a leg to stand on... and that's what you should be concerned about. After dating for 3 years, you're in the best position to notice a change in his behavior towards you...
You should let him know that you appreciate that he may be having a hard time wrapping his head around his new found sense of responsibility, but in no way should he take this frustration out on you or your future child. You certainly need to sit down and have a frank talk with him about your future. If he's not prepared to stay with you or your child then he should let you know and leave, instead of just passively aggressively taking out his resentment on either of you over time. I wouldn't say prepare for single motherhood just yet, but you really need to sit him down and let him know that you won't accept being treated this way.
Good-luck aye
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): While Jmtmj has a point it doesn't excuse your boyfriend's behaviour at all. You see your boyfriend did have a say but he chose to ejaculate inside you, so he had his say and anything after that he was just going to have live with. You see Nicky any man that thinks he has any rights as regards pregnancy is a fool because we don't. You see intelligent men know this and they ensure that it doesn't happen, if it happens by accident then we just have to live with whatever the woman decides and they can piss and moan all they want Nicky, it doesn't change the fact that the woman's decision is the one that counts. In that way if a guy takes that risk then it's his own fault if the woman decides something which he's not happy with.
With all due respect to Jmtmj he didn't answer your question at all. What do you do? You make a stand and demand better treatment. But in all honesty Nicky it sounds like your boyfriend just doesn't care how you feel anymore. Forget the times he treats you nice Nicky they don't balance out the bad times because he should never treat you bad. Now it does seem like he's doing what Jmtmj suggests, then you know what you may have to move on and dump him. You see if he's that immature and bitter about the whole thing then he may take it out on the baby too. He may view that child with as something that has ruined his life and you can't take the risk that he may start treating the baby bad too.
Nicky your boyfriend is selfish, abusive, immature and a complete asshole, no matter how sweet he can be it doesn't make up for those bad qualities. I'd start preparing to be a single mum and forget about this fool. Just make sure he pays for that baby.
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A
female
reader, Help mate  +, writes (23 February 2011):
 He is probably petrified. Having a baby is a massive responsibility & quite frankly at 16 neither of you are prepared for the impact that it will have on your lives. Babies do not bring couples together mostly they pull them apart because a babies needs are so different & immediate than what an adult needs; but neither of you are adults so your needs are still that of a child.
You should talk to your boyfriend he probably feels very trapped & scared; being a teenager is a time of immense growth & the changes going on in his own body will make him feel confused without the added responsibility that becoming a father will bring.
Do not think that you will be able to do this on your own you need to seek help; ask at the antenatal clinic if there is someone you can talk to, do not be too proud because your relationship with the baby’s father will affect your child for the rest of it’s life.
If you both get the support you need you may manage; but your boyfriend will probably find it even more difficult once the baby is here because your focus will be on the baby & not on him & he will struggle with that, so ask for help as soon as you can & be open & honest about the problems you are facing. Good Luck
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (23 February 2011):
I'd imagine it'd be easy for him to get resentful if he expressed that he didn't want a baby and you decided to keep it regardless. Immature? Selfish? Yup... but him acting out might just be an outlet for the fact that he had no say in avoiding this major life change looming before him.
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