A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I been with my gf nearly 5 years, we are still living apart due to money issues and our permanent jobs. But things have changed. I'm avoiding her because I feel like i can't really speak to her like I speak to the guys. For example, I mentioned I'm thinking of going on my friends stag. She wasn't happy, all 15 guys went but I did not go as she was unhappy there will be strippers etc there. So I did not argue much with my gf but . In return we meet up I usually stay over, we have sex once a week and, next day go shopping and that's it. If I make plans with friends which involve money she is annoyed about why I can't spend that with her and go together. But I feel like when I'm with my girlfriend she doesn't know much so I have to do anything and everything. This is stressful and not relaxing for me, I have told her so many times.So I find myself avoiding my phone after work. Until I have wound down and had some time to myself. Sometimes in morning I'm in playful mood , I'll text her and she will start complaining about her own things. Fair enough I listen but over time I'm getting bored and fed up. There is no excitement or fun. If I speak to her she gets offended and asks me what solution is. i don't know what it is. All I know is when we are together we don't do anything but shop, eat and get fat by watching tv cuddling.When I'm alone I'm working out, working, socialising. But when I meet her it's the same shit, going shopping , eating out and buying a dress size bigger. ...but than complaining that she was same size when I met her!! I mean weekends I spend with her, first thing I do when I'm woken up is take her to the shop so she can buy food for breakfast. I would much rather stay in bed after week of work , or buy it day before but she doesn't. When I get back to work after a weekend, I'm like shitting 3 times a day to try clear the crap from my insides coz I eaten so much junk. I'm losing attraction: Why argue with me rather than work out? Does not make any sense? Put it this way, after not seeing her for 7 days , she is telling me she is a mess and I need to excuse that. Why? Shouldn't she make effort? Next morning she wakes up no make up I don't care. But at least put some effort in night before? If I ask her to put on outfit , she moans and complains (it would of taken me 20 seconds to put it on). But when I drive 1hr 30mins to see her Each way that's normal. 5 days working, and two days sitting and each and getting fat. This life is depressing me. (In my weekdays I'm doing okay, working and running my own business, going gym and keeping up with friends)It's the weekend, I find it depressing. Having said all this, I love her. But I feel like she doesn't put in effort. When we argue, she puts in effort for one hour. For example at work I deal with customers that can be very difficult, and I have to spend hours keeping it professional even though they may be wrong, I still put in 'effort'. Than I ask my gf for pic, and it's an excuse. You should of seen what I got sent other day, i was not turned on at all. I mean really? Is that how much effort she puts? I mean I ask for handjob in person, because she didn't want sex, and she can't be bothered. I got so offended, like how hard is it to rub ur hand in a rod. I mean seriously? I would pay my own gf to do it, I don't want to pay anyone else. After hard week, at least my own gf should. I don't need or want to cheat but I would literally pay my own gf. She doesn't want money but I'm jus giving example. If I can sit for 3hrs than I'm sorry a 15min handjob is easy and shouldn't require a tantrum of being tired or lazy.Blowjobd are finished, she used to love them. And now sex is jus about okay, but not enough. She says she loves me, but is this really love? Everything is just so stressful and not fun anymore. someone make sense of this.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 May 2017):
 Your relationship doesn't seem to have progressed very well in five years. I would take that as a sign you are both not compatible and end things. Sounds like you would be much happier single.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (23 May 2017):
 As you have both grown older since you first met, a lot has changed since the way things were 5 years ago. Your maturity levels are different and so are your priorities. You enjoy living a full life while she seems to be stuck in a rut, doing the same things over and over again, sabotaging the relationship without even realizing that she's doing it and ignoring her health.
She has basically taken you for granted because she knows that you're not going anywhere. It's a combination of not wanting to move beyond her comfort level and cribbing but not doing anything to change her situation.
If she's not taking a stand then you have to. For example, tell her that she can eat whatever she wants but you're not going to eat junk anymore. Buy your own groceries and rustle up something healthy. It looks like you come over to her place on Friday night. Instead of doing that, stay at your own house on Friday and come to her place on Saturday after you're done with breakfast. See what she does then.
Have a serious talk with her and try telling her things that you've told us. See how she responds. If she's willing to change then give her a chance. If not, then it might just be time to let her go. There's nothing that's deal-breaker stuff here; instead it's more like a dead end situation. If you don't want to break up then maybe some time apart might help?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2017): You have become bored with her. Good thing you are not married. I think you should call it a day w/o more waste of time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2017): Here we are at that 3-5 year-mark in a relationship. That point in a relationship which seems to be that benchmark that tells us if we're going to make-it, or break-it.
Sex is routine and predictable; if there is any at all. Arguments can erupt over the smallest of issues. One is wondering when there will be an engagement-ring and a proposal; while the other ponders "can I stand to be with this person from now to eternity?" " Sex with the same person until we're old?!!!"
Talking long-term? You're now more like friends, or brother and sister. It takes a little more time to get your head right for sex; because there are things you want to do, but your partner isn't up for it. You've noticed changes in each others bodies that aren't quite what you used to find most attractive about them. Or, one is so into fitness; while the other eats whatever they want, and never breaks a sweat. Yet they stay slim, or they're gaining pounds in places you've never seen fat before.
Welcome to life and maturity. Things change over time. If you don't have an open-line of communication; you're unable to have the necessary discussions (not arguments) that lead to compromise and adjustments. People manipulate their partners with overreaction and tantrums to stifle criticism. What was only meant to be a suggestion is interpreted as an insult or an attack on their self-esteem. Motivation to a lazy-person is like they've been struck by a whip. They don't like being told they're lazy, they don't like motivational speeches; nor do they want to be pushed from their comfort-zones. They're content right where they are.
Best to "leave" them there.
An argument is resistance to change. It is denial in the face of the truth. It is a stubbornness for the sake of being the winner of a fight; not to establish what is wrong in the relationship and how to make it right.
As a couple, you're too familiar on the one hand; but always carrying secret-thoughts you'd love to say out-loud. You can never find the right opportunity, or you fear a huge argument will result. Insecure people make you walk on eggshells. They constantly complain about what ails them; but it's always about them and their feelings. They never listen, and they are always victims. The truth is always something people use like a bat to brutalize their feelings.
Like all things that have movement or function. There must be upkeep and maintenance. You need tune-ups and regular system-checks to make sure everything is functioning properly at the best of their proficiency. You have to take time-out for repair and restoration. Then sometimes things need down-time and rest; while they recharge and refuel.
Our relationships need the same thing. You both have to have "me-time." You are individuals who decided to become a couple. That doesn't mean you forfeit your independence completely. You still need time to socialize and function independent of a partner. Clingy parasitic-people need to attach themselves to live symbiotically off the strength and energy of their mate. They need someone to makeup for all their weaknesses and inadequacies. One struggles to break free to breathe; while the other fears they'll die from separation. Either the host will suffocate from the lack of oxygen; or the parasite will die from the lack of a food-source for their emotional-nourishment. She has to learn to be independent and not use her relationship like a crutch. You gave-in to her pouting. That is how resentment starts.
If you want freedom in a relationship; you have to establish trust at the very start. If someone tells you they have trust-issues. Red-flag!!! Run screaming in the opposite direction. If you meet someone who is a flirt, they are already taken; but they make blatant passes at you. That is a warning they will cheat on you. So if you forgo the warnings, you can't create your own homeland-security to keep them in-check. If you can't control your impulse to eyeball every female around you, and make it obvious to your mate standing next to you. Don't expect any "me-time." You need an around-the-clock cheater-patrol to keep your pants up and zipped. Committing to relationships that start-out this way only get worse with time.
You shouldn't ask for permission to do anything, nor should you wait until a few days before and toss it at her. You let her know that you have planned to do so and so with your friends. If you have a well-established history of trustworthiness; you can overrule any protest or resistance against your plans. You just reassure her you'll behave and the purpose of the trip is to have fun with your friends.
Establish before your third-date; whether you are male or female; you do not appreciate phone-monitoring or hourly check-ins to confirm your whereabouts. Avoid people who need this, they will drain you of your life-force. Once you're committed, too late. You may as well get used to it.
If she knows your friends are a collection of assholes and skirt-chasers. Why the hell would you expect her to be comfortable with you in their company?!! No further argument, I rest my case!!!
When you have a prerequisite that everyone must be on a fitness-program in order for the relationship to remain intact. Before your commitment; there should be a written-agreement. Unauthorized weight-gain should be covered by a notarized signed-contract. Like the contracts drawn-up for movie-stars and models. They must maintain their appearance and insure their most valuable attributes. The relationship is nullified by breach of contract.
Otherwise; people gain weight. It goes up and down; even with regular exercise and good diet. Women get water-weight during periods, or after having children. Unlike men, it's harder to drop weight. She sees your flaws too. She also has to tolerate your awkward love-making technique. A dick that's too small or too big (too big is rarely a problem).
She sometimes forgoes her own orgasm; because you're tired, or she'll fake it for the sake of your ego. If she's not in the mood to suck or tug; be polite and act like a big-boy.
Sex isn't fun unless you both like what you're doing to each other. No is the final answer, unless she voluntarily changes her mind. Pouting is for baby-men. Cheating is fine; it gives her permission to do the same.
So once you come to this point in the relationship. You now decide if you can talk it out, or take a walk. If she isn't willing to have a two-way discussion of your problems to determine what might be essential to improving the relationship and moving to the next step; then it is time to split your belongings, undo joint-accounts, and part your ways. When you feel you've outgrown a partner, you owe it to them to set them free to live as they choose. While you pursue your independence to live as you want. Lingering around and growing more tired of each other by the day, will result in a breakup anyway. Dysfunctional-situations remedy themselves. The right upkeep and open-communication normally will avoid the less fortunate outcome.
When you can't lay your troubles out on the table for each other to workout together; then plan your exit-strategy. You've reached your expiration-date as a couple.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 May 2017):
You two lack in your communication skills. YOU presume she KNOWS how you feel, just like SHE presumes that all is well. Yet, I think you BOTH know things are not well. Sex has gone stale. The time you spend together feels more like it's done out of boredom and obligation rather than WANTING to BE together.
YOUR dick and sexual needs are NOT the bellybutton of the relationship or the center of the universe.
My guess is she DOESN'T give blowjobs anymore or handjobs because they have become a CHORE. If sex isn't fun for you, I bet you.... it's not fun for her either. YOU getting your rocks off is NO more important than HER getting HER needs met.
It sounds to me like you are looking for a way out. We can't TELL you that it's OK to dump her or that you should stay.
THAT has to be your choice. But staying because you don't know what else to do is not working for you - OR her.
You two NEED to talk TO each other about HOW you feel. Not while about not getting this or that sexual favor, sexual picture - maybe SHIT - she doesn't FEEL sexy at that moment and THUS you get what you get. YOU don't MAKE her feel sexy, you make her feel like she OWES you stuff and pics, when in reality she doesn't. Just because you have a CRAPPY job and you bear and grin doesn't mean she OWES you squat. Do you have that job because SHE demanded that you have that career? My guess is no...
DO you send HER "sexy pics"? DO you make her FEEL sexy without there being a string attached? As in, without you wanting something in return?
You bitch and complain about how boring your time with her are... Do you EVER take initiative and PLAN a day out? I don't know where you live in the UK, but I'm SURE you can find something FUN and ACTIVE to do WITH her.
Don't GIVE her the choice in whether she wants to or not - as in don't TELL her WHAT you will be doing, make it a surprise but DO tell her what would be good to wear.
Arrange a nice picnic after a little hike or rent a rowboat and eat food YOU have picked out (healthy stuff that doesn't bother your system) - go watch a game of polo or a walk on the beach.
WHAT are YOU doing to make this relationship work? Really? Other than just going through the motions.
DECIDE if you WANT to make it work, then TALK to her.
If you DO, then figure out WHAT you two BOTH need to work on together.
If you don't, END it but don't put all the blame on her. Because that isn't the truth.
One thing though, why could you not have gone to a stag party and BEHAVED yourself in a manner that would BE appropriate for a guy with a LONG TERM GF?
That's another thing you two need to talk about. She shouldn't be limiting YOU and YOUR social life even if SHE doesn't have one and large as your social life. She shouldn't have to make you feel like you can't CONTROL yourself at a party without her (unless you have shown you can't in the past.)
It seems to me that in your post it's really all about YOUR expectations of her and how SHE is failing, have you taken a good look at yourself lately and your own behavior?
Don't sit on the fence and complain that it hurts your bum. Figure out WHERE you want to go, what you want to do.
Telling her that you feel the sex and the time you spend together has become stale, that you feel you BOTH need to work on making things better IF you are to stay together. TALK. It's not hard. It does take courage though, and it takes kindness and consideration. Can you put yourself in her shoes? Can she put herself in yours?
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A
female
reader, MissKin +, writes (22 May 2017):
 You're not happy. You're bored. You haven't said a single positive thing about your girlfriend.
You could try to plan things, plan to go hiking together or take her away for the weekend and spend it swimming and snorkeling or skiing and playing in the snow. You could put a lot of effort in to encourage more activities. But it shouldn't be a one way Street. If you feel like it would.work then try it. Have a conversation about how bored you are and the things you would like to do together. It's the only way to we.if you can have the relationship that you want.
I also don't think it sounds worth all the effort when you don't have anything nice to say. You're not happy. You want different things from your time together. You want to be with your friends and shouldn't have to justify wanting to spend time with them. Just break up with her and find someone who likes the same things that you do. Ask yourself this: why are you even in this relationship??
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