A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I love my boyfriend very much but he has a problem I genuinly don't know how to help him with.4 years ago, his girlfriend killed herself and we have just gone past her anniversary recently, which has really got to him. He still feels like he could have done something after all these years and it's hurting him deeply. He cuts himself to let the pain out. He bottles things up until he has to cut himself. he refuses to take anti-depressants as he doesn't believe they do any good, and has been to coucilling which he says didn't help at all.He doesn't know, but I'll hate her forever for putting him through this. He is the most kind, loving person I have ever met and cannot stop blaming himself for this horrible incident. I am truelly at a loss...what can I do? I'll try anything now to help him.
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female
reader, Midge +, writes (29 March 2007):
 My boyfriend was killed in mysterious circumstances on 13/03/1993. I miss him terribly and every anniversary I put a memorial in the newspapers so that he knows that i will never forget him.
The mysterious circumstances surrounding the incident leave you to think that he may have commited suicide, but there is also the doubt that he was murdered. We are not sure.
He was the world to me and took me many many years to get to a point where I can say, I have to move on. He was my first love, and I think of him every day. Although I have been seeing my current boyfriend for many years, and I love him to bits, the hurt never goes, BUT, it does get better over time.
When Bradley died, and it was initially thought of as suicide, no-one ever thought that it would happen. We argued a few days before this, and we refused to speak to each other, so even when it happened, I never went to his funeral because I only found out about it a week later when everyone asked why I wasnt at his funeral.
He needs to deal with the loss, and he needs to understand that there wasnt anything that HE could have done, or foreseen that would have made her do otherwise. Although some find counsilling helpful, you need to find a councillor that has "experience" dealing with bereavement. I went to counsilling for 3 years, and found it didnt make an ounce of difference. For me tablets werent the answer either, but for some they may help.
He has to understand, and you have to make him understand that:- 1. You arent going anywhere, 2. You arent the type of person to do that to him again, 3. HE needs to forgive himself. Until he forgives himself and understands that he couldnt have done anything...........and trust me, the majority of people who commit suicide (not all though), are so dead set on doing it, that no-one would be able to stop them.
Sorry I couldnt be of any more help!
A
female
reader, Bailey J +, writes (29 March 2007):
 I know how you feel, a little. My boyfriend’s mother killed herself 3 years ago. My boyfriend has never really dealt with his grief because everyday is different for him. One day his misses her and loves her, next he’s angry and hates her. 3 years on he’s still the same. I just try to understand him; I listen to him and try my best to comfort him. I can never become to understand what he’s gone through or the pain he feels everyday… I just try my hardest to advise him that no matter what’s happened he needs to be happy! Life is too short for ifs and maybe’s… before we know it where looking back on our lives.
You need to make him aware that hurting himself isn’t the answer, its just a way to distruct your life. Speak to someone who is qualified in this behaviour, they will give the best help and answers. But for now all you can do is be there for him, and don’t hide his secret of self harming… if his family doesn’t know, you need to tell them what ever the cost!!
Take Care
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (29 March 2007):
 Hi
That was an excelent answer from Charlie, You cant force him to get over this. The only thing I would say however is that he may think anti-depresants are bad but is cutting himself any better. He needs to see a doctor, to get some help. Why does he blame himeself so much for her doing this. Was it because of something he did?.
He needs to understand how this is afecting you, and your relationship with him now. I know you are being very understanding, (you sound very kind), but you could be doing more harm than good by not showing that this is uppsetting you so much.
I really feel you need some support yourself, in dealing with him. He may be carrying a huge burdon, but what about you. Does he not see that this could effect your future. There is nothing you can do about the past, but you could, with help, have a happy future together.
I really hope you will both resolve this very sad situation, and he will go to see a doctor. XXX best wishes
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A
female
reader, charlie174  +, writes (29 March 2007):
 I was just like him before, depressed, cutting myself, its a horrible thing to go through. I cut myself because i was angry at everyone and everything but couldn't release it in any other way. Sometimes i had people there for me, sometimes i didn't.. I do agree about the antidepressants, If you take any that don't agree with your body then your head can get even worse. At the end of the day, although it probably helps that your there for him, he won't get out of this state until HE is ready. Hes the only one who can pull himself out of the hell thats hes in and you can't force that. Saying that its not hopeless, there are things you can try to ease the depression. But maybe you should try them without him realising because if he doesn't want to feel better about this then he'll fight all help he gets. Take a trip to a natural health store and see if theres any herbal teas or tablets you can give him, some people think they don't work but anything is worth a try. Look round for different types of therapy, maybe the counciling he tried just didn't suit him. Whatever you do, make sure you don't slip into the same state as him from the pressure of this situation. Look after yourself first or you won't be able to help him. Good luck with everything.
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