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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I am feeling so depressed. As a child growing up, I always wanted to be a doctor. When selecting my courses my parents told me I should do business management instead. I started pursing business management but had no passion for it. I was accepted into college to purse a double major in Mathematics since I was later advised about actuarial science. I didn't have any passion for doing that and started failing my courses. I later dropped out of school, got married and had three wonderful kids. I went bouncing around from one job to another until i finally got into insurance sales. I did excellent my first year but my second year, I found out I was pregnant with my second child. He was ill, in and out of hospital and my sales production significantly decreased. So I decided to be a stay at home mom. When my son was older I went on to work in the banking sector. My contract ended and I went back into the insurance field. When i got back into insurance sales, i failed miserably and was asked to resign. Now i am 30 years old and feeling so lost. Like what career should I pursue? 30 years old and without a degree and without a career. I feel like such a failure.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2019): I’ve already posted an answer, but now with the additional information you’ve provided, I have another response.
You’re getting a lot of undue pressure from your parents.... I think first you need to take a break from them because in cases like this, their input is not necessary. How does it help anyone to succeed and be happy in life when there’s a negative criticizer with you the whole way?
If possible try not to talk to them too much or be around them too much.
If you must be around them then start drawing clear lines on what is ok to say and not ok to say. It’s ok to do that because they are being unreasonable. Just say it politely without being upset, and if they continue, simply leave. The hope is that they’ll eventually get “trained” to be better. .
My mom tends to be like yours though not as bad. She has expectations for all those around her (except for herself) and voices her disappointment often. I pushed back and now she doesn’t do it....as much. The funny thing is that even now she will randomly say how she can’t speak her mind around me, and I answer back with, “Good, thank you.” And I don’t feel bad because there really is a line between being free to say what you wish and sharing helpful opinions and advice, and saying absolutely hurtful unnecessary things that don’t have a purpose (except selfish reasons for the one expressing them).
In the meantime you also have to work on not letting your parents frame the narrative of your life. It’s unfortunate your cousin is part of the narrative too, but for that reason work on yourself first until you are happy with who you are. Once you reach that level (what YOU find is satisfying for your life), THEN start reestablishing your relationship with your cousin. Even if you don’t think it, your low self esteem is likely affecting how you interact with her. First find value in yourself before going about mending fences.
I stand by my first answer. Find value in what you have and what you’ve accomplished first as your foundation. Then work towards your goals as “pluses” or “bonuses” in life. I’m the oooposite of you. I only have my job, and yes I’ll find blessings in having that at least while I work on trying to have a family. But like I said, ultimately it’s family that is most important. No matter what happens out there you have your children and husband to come home to (and I envy you :)).
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2019): Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement and for sharing your experiences. In no way I view my children as a failure. They are my pride and joy. My mother on the other hand, whilst she love her grandchildren dearly, would make me feel less than my cousin who is younger than me and has a career in engineering. My mother is quite big on academics. She was very disappointed in me when I never completed my degree, which is very much understandable. She would make comments like my children are my bachelors, masters and pHD as though they aren't something to be proud of (in my opinion).
I have a cousin who decided to choose entrepreneurship courses as well as music. My mother didn't like those courses her niece chose since she believes she has the ability to do much more. Maybe if she chose accounting, business management, law or engineering, she may have been pleased. Mind you, my aunt supported her daughter in whatever she wanted to do and it was my mother who told her sister that she didn't like those course my cousin chose.
Now, I always wondered what if I had chosen my own path to become a pediatrician, how far in life I would have been. And maybe, just maybe my parents would be proud of me. My father was a teacher and he always said to my mother (who would then tell me), anytime his colleagues started talking about their children and their accomplishments, he would get up and leave. My mother, she always compares me to another cousin of mine who is an engineer. She is like 3 years younger than me and is doing so well in her career. She recently got a job offer that pays really well. She apparently got a supervisory position and my mother comes and talks about her accomplishments in a way to belittle me. She made a statement one time, saying that my cousin will always be ahead of me (financially). A couple years ago, my mother said to me that my cousin would be a "career" woman, and she wouldn't have time to cook for her husband but she would be able to afford fancy dinners whilst all my husband (who was just my bf at the time) and I would be able to afford, would be fast food. There are many times when my husband and I laughed about what she said when we ate fast food.
Two years ago, my cousin's contract ended and she was out of a job for approximately three months. She lives with her parents, isn't married or have any children. My job at the bank was really hectic. They merged three department into one, I must admit, I am guilty for not contacting her to see how she was doing during her time of unemployment. But, in my mind, I would have loved to have that break (I had a baby and wished I could have stayed at home a little longer) and I knew she would have bounced back on her feet because she is very intelligent and her past job experiences would have put her in a good position for a new job. She actually got another job, I apologized for not looking out and asking her how she was going. Every thing seemed to be ok and I sent her a heartfelt message for her birthday that same year, telling her how proud I am of her and all that she has accomplished. And see me, texting her that message crying buckets of tears. As little girls we promised to be sisters since we both were our parents' one and only.
Last year when I got back into insurance, I tried talking to her about the products we offered, she never wanted to give me an opportunity to talk to her and stated that the questions I was asking, was too personal...basically what her her income. All the previous jobs I worked, she was the first one to ask how much I was making, now, she didn't want to tell me what was hers. When I was doing training, I had to do market surveys, when I asked her if I could ask her a few questions: she asked, "can't you just google it"? I brushed it off. Later on I asked her for some referrals (since she was working in the engineering field which would have been a great market), she was like, "you just can't look on Facebook"? Then I reached out to her to talk to her about retirement planning and even if she is not interested indicated that I needed her help to refer anyone for me (basically begging her for help because I was behind my target), she never responded to my message. I was like ok then. Two weeks before that was my birthday, this girl never wished me happy birthday. In July was my son's birthday, she watched my status and never even said, can you wish him happy birthday. So I kind of feel a resentment towards her. I am tired of feeling like I am in her shadow.
Apart from me feeling like a failure because I have no career, my mother just rubs my cousin's accomplishments in my face but I want to be happy for her because I know she deserves it. She worked really hard to where she is now. My mother always compared me to my cousin, for as long as I can remember and I have never really held any resentment towards her because I know it is my mother who pushes that sense of underachievement on my end. My cousin and her mother used to tell my mother please keep her (my cousin) name out of her (my mom) mouth (when she-my mom-wants to make comparisons between us).
Now I am applying for jobs that make me feel so inferior, because of how my mother makes me feel, compared to my cousin. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I am trying to get this out of my chest. I hate the way that I feel. It is not that I am jealous of her accomplishments because she worked hard to get where she is. I do not know how to explain it. I just look at how my cousin moved with me when i pleaded for her help and knowing she didn't even wish me happy birthday. It hurts how she moves. When I just started working, every month I used to give her a little cash/allowance. I looked at her as my little sister. She used to stay by my mom when she was doing her degree. One Christmas I gave her money to buy a something she wanted for a long time. She always looked forward to see what I brought home and now she says she can't recall all of that. She would see me by my mother and wouldn't even hold a conversation with me. So I do not even bother to even try to make conversation. Right now we are just at good morning, good afternoon or good night.
This is just eating me. Not having a job (I am technically still contracted by the insurance company but haven't received commissions for the past three months), having to depend on my husband, having so many bills that requires a two income household, wanting to give my boys the world when I can't even help with our household. I have spent so many sleepless nights. I am feeling like I am drowning. I feel so depressed...and in all my misery, my mother comes like she wants me to feel punished by not completing my degree and telling me all what my cousin has accomplished. If you hear how she speaks of her, and how she spoke about my other cousin who did entrepreneurship, when she had open a small business...I love my mother and I know that she loves me, but I am really depressed...I am yet to hear my mother speak enthusiastically about me. Last year Christmas I started an online business, it did really well. I actually loved doing that. But I placed it on hold to focus on my insurance job because that took a lot of my time. I plan on doing that again...soon. And my husband said he would support my decision to go back to school. So I am trying to stay positive.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2019): You are not a failure! You are so young, only thirty, you can choose any career path you want and start fresh and new! There are so many people I know who’ve started second career paths so much later than you and have done well, so don’t give up hope! And really it gets harder to change paths later on, so for you to take initiative now is a great time!
Here’s some more food for thought. I chose to pursue my career over starting a family. I’m doing something I love, and I have reached the pinnacle of where I can go so for me I’m in the job I’m in until I retire. However, I’m forty and struggling to have even one child... My only point is that I look at you and envy YOU with your three children. It sounds like you had some hardship and yet I still envy you. So you HAVE accomplished much in your life!
I think focus on what you HAVE achieved in life and find happiness with what you have, all the while you pursue your career goals to round out your life. (I’m working on doing the same, though honestly I think family is more valuable :))
Trust me when I say again, you are still so young so that if you start now you will surely reach your career goals :) good luck!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (21 August 2019):
 How can 3 wonderful kids be viewed as a failure? I assume there is also a wonderful husband/partner in all this, who you don't mention, even in passing? Stop judging yourself in terms of a degree and a career and start looking at the wonderful things you HAVE achieved. A degree is not the be-all and end-all of life. I am involved with recruitment at work and we often get applications for jobs from people with degrees who have never been able to use their degree for any job.
Presumably the children are now at an age where they are all at school, or will be soon? Now is the time to sit down and decide, for yourself, what you actually WANT to do work-wise. Don't be swayed by what your parents want(ed) or by what you have done in the past. What would YOU like to do? What are you passionate about? What qualifications would you need? What experience would you need? How could you get into the field? Could you cope financially on your husband's wage for a while to enable you to study/gain needed qualifications?
You have the rest of your life ahead of you. Stop rushing around from job to job. Take a little quiet time to decide what you actually want to do and what you think you would be good at and see if this is achievable. And don't let the time it would take to get there put you off as the time will pass anyway.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2019): OP, you have bought into one of the greatest lies ever perpitrated upon mankind, that being that motherhood and home making is something not as important, in this world. Just look at your children, who would not be alive, without you being you! Just look at them! Are you really a failure??? Now if you say that you would like to do something more, that sounds more like it! There are quite a few jobs in the health field, short of being a doctor. Like nurse, nursing assistant, EMT, paramedic, Xray tech, etc! These will all require schooling OP, but gosh, you are a young woman! Who could be a better healthcare provider, than a Loving Mom? Let me answer that, NOBODY!!! Blessings to you, your family, and your future career, helping others!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2019): I'm nearly 60 and have never had a degree. I have my own business and I work with older people mostly.
I feel a success every single day that I go to work because I make some older people's lives that much better for the time that I am with them.
I make them laugh, or we have a really good conversation, or I give them a hug or a cuddle when I can tell that they are open to that. Sometimes, they don't want to let go and so I carry on cuddling them.
It makes me SO happy to do what I do. I also work with people who are paralysed and who have to trust me in all my interactions with them. I get huge smiles from some mentally challenged people when I show up and I'm told by the people that know them, that they love me.
I could cry just writing about it.
In my opinion, this is what matters in life. Helping each other and making things better for those who aren't as fortunate.
Personally, I couldn't give a single flying fart about degrees and 'careers' etc. I care about people and in return they care about me. My job satisfaction is enormous.
What does 'achieving' matter? Strip everyone bare of all the trimmings and we are all the same.
I'm sorry that you only feel as good as your last job. I'm sorry that if somewhere down the line you have been made to feel that achieving and degrees are all that matters.
Care for others and look outside yourself for fulfilment. I believe that that is where happiness lies. And where you will stop measuring yourself against false criteria.
If you wanted to be a doctor, as did I, then maybe your calling IS to help others and you feel depressed because you're not (necessarily).
There are so many ways in which you can 'succeed' if you feel your calling is in medicine and healing. Maybe courses in nutrition, massage, reiki, hypnotherapy, homeopathy or acupuncture might appeal? Maybe you feel unfulfilled and unsuccessful because insurance isn't where your heart is?
Find where your heart is and follow it. You are NEVER too late to do that. Good luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2019): We all have dreams as kids. Sometimes we make them come true - I have always wanted to be an anthropologist. So I studied and got two degrees - anthropology and languages (my mom's idea of a safer bet - and she was right as it turned out :). And I worked for about 10 years in the field I loved, for almost no money, and earned my living from translating, interpreting... and then... life happened and everything changed.
I got married, we relocated to another continent.
At first I had no work. I was financially supported by my husband. For me it was such a blow, since I started earning when i was 16. Then I started tutoring, then I got another degree and found a (low paying) job in an IT field that requires NO DEGREE. And I lost all the self-confidence I had. Degrees are no guarantees (and it rhymes ;).
But, like you I did it all by myself. I had no one to open the doors, no one to give me a little push. Whenever I started anywhere I usually knew no one. Had to start from scratch.
You need to remember that no paper will tell you who you are.
Within reason, and if money was no obstacle - what would you like to do?
When asked this question I always say: tell stories.
And there are many ways to go about that.
Same goes for you.
Being a doctor means that you are helping people heal. There are many ways you can do that that require either very little to a reasonable amount of training (and not years and years of med school).
You could try, for example, taking a course in sophrology and help people deal with stress.
Nowadays, it is easier to reinvent yourself. There are so many options and the hardest part is to start listening to yourself and find what it is that you want. When you don't know what this or have no courage (my case) you end up being taken by the current (again, my case) and you have to swim with it. At least for a while.
You should be proud of what you have accomplished. From what you said I see that you always had the best intentions, but one of them was not the best for you - pleasing your parents and taking the safer bet. So from no own, and this is not selfish, be true to yourself and you'll be content. And if you are OK, your family will be too!
There are no plans that can guarantee financial security. I know people who have started the craziest of businesses and their passion and dedication is what led them to success. The older I get the stronger I believe that it is not what you do but HOW YOU DO IT. If you are passionate about something it will grow and you will prosper.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2019): You’re 30 and you’ve probably got another 30+ years of working life left - how is it too late to follow your ambitions? Your working life has barely even started! A lot of people with a degree are probably still in their first or second job out of uni and will have kids in the next few years. So what if you’ve done things the other way round and had kids first ... it doesn’t matter. There are many jobs in the medical profession that you could pursue probably even without having a degree. But if you want to do a degree then you could explore what evening course or distance learning courses are on offer. If you’re not sure whether you want to go into a particular career then why not phone up some potential employers, explain that you are considering a career in their industry and ask if you might be able to shadow someone in their organisation for a day, or half day. It’s never too late, the only thing holding you back is yourself.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (20 August 2019):
 The only thing you have failed at is...seeing how much you have accomplished in 30 years.
Kids...home of your own, able to find work, heck...able to actually go to work.
You can plan your life all you want...But life has it's own plans for you, and life will always win.
You said you wanted to be a doctor...Why not get into the nursing program?? Ever think you failed at all those other things, because life wanted you to pursue your original dreams?? Not to late to start. :))
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A
male
reader, Boris Grushenko  +, writes (20 August 2019):
 You are only a failure in the eyes of those who adhere to a strict social standard that dictates you to rise in the hierarchy of the corporate world, to obtain the highest income possible etc.
Pursuing a degree when your heart is not in it, is a bad start. Some might disagree but a degree - or even having followed only a part of a certain curriculum - will narrow down your choices when you start looking for a job.
Speaking for myself: I obtained a degree in engineering. Saying that my heart wasn't in it, is a euphimism. I loathed every moment I spent studying. Yet I 'succeeded' and got a job in ICT. Only to notice that when the novelty of the job wore off, I got bored and desinterested, I evolved from one of the more talented developers in the department to an underachiever and was in constant agony about my lack of a perspective for the future.
I guess my story sounds familiar in some regards (o yes, I got the degree, but I believe that hardly made a difference in the overall experience). I believe there is a common misconception about what makes us 'succesful' and others a 'failure'. Our environment tends to measure our succes by our careers. But this criterium only reflects the things we do. There is more to what we are though: one could argue that our true value is in who we are and that this is most evident from how we relate to others. There is a youtube channel called "The school of life" that offers interesting videos about our relationship with the world.
That being said, even when you achieve to see success in terms of who you are rather than what you do, you will still need to do something to fill your days. Ideally, there is a match between your acting and your being persona, there should be some joy in your work.
Therefore, you will have to find out what your desires are at this moment. With that in mind you can try to match your desires with real life opportunities. These might include education or looking out for a different job. Some countries do offer job counselling and some will even support you when you want to study at a later point in your life.
Do keep in mind however that the lack of a degree and a difficult career path do not make you a failure.
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