A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I just ended a year long relationship with someone. One of the main issues was that we have different points of views on sex. He told me that it is very strange for someone my age (mid to late 20s) to be a virgin. I know that is true, but is it still possible to find someone at my old age who believes the same thing I do and not pressure me to behave otherwise? It took a while for me to meet my ex and he was a great guy otherwise.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (15 October 2016):
 In light of your reasons, I think you're best looking for guys who are waiting for marriage or years without sex. Reason being, if you are unable to trust someone you're in a relationship with for a year, it really isn't the right relationship.
I've never trusted anyone before my boyfriend because I've been let down and backstabbed consistently. It took me several months to trust him, but I knew he was the one I was going to be able to trust. You should be able to figure that out within the first year, even if you're not ready to have sex yet.
What kind of intimacy are you comfortable with? The reason I ask is because some men won't mind waiting a bit longer, if there's still some intimacy, even if it's not penetrative sex of any kind. You don't need to rush yourself, just find someone who wants the same thing :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for the continued remarks.
My decision to wait is a combination of religious and the fact that I am not ready. I was raised conservatively and had "no sex before marriage" ingrained in my head. Also had the "no dating until university" talk when I was younger so that might also explain why I am so weird about dating in general.
I don't know when I will feel comfortable with someone, I know it takes me a while for me to trust compared to the average person. Based on my experience though, there's not really a time frame of when you trust someone - it's how you see them treat others over time...
As a side note, Chigirl, I've been using the term pressure as the use of persuasion, influence, or intimidation to attempt to make someone do something. In that sense, I have experienced this quite a bit with my ex. It highlights how incompatible we were. Thank you for pointing that out.
Anyways, thank you all for your help, I am starting to understand my own viewpoints more and am able to articulate my thoughts and I will be more prepared for the next time a situation like this might arise.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (14 October 2016):
I wish I had known all the headaches that came with having sex to early. I would have wait until marriage...and I hope you do.
Men today are Programmed to believe that sex equals love. So if you are a virgin, then you must not love them.
Women are programmed to believe if you want a man to love you, have sex....WRONG!!!
As you can see, men do not stick around with the women they have sex with in most cases...why?? FREE!! No commitment.
Let men come and pressure you. The one who says he will wait and give you that ring first...that's the one for life. Because he is willing to love you first, and not what's between your legs.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 October 2016):
 It would help to know WHAT are the things you believe in , i.e. WHY do you want to wait for sex, and how long , ideally.
If you are waiting for religions reasons ( like the wide majority of Muslim girls, or some very conservative Catholics ) then there's an easy solution : date only those of your same persuasion, they will share and support your believes, or at least respect them .
If you are waiting because before you have sex you want to be sure that you love and are loved back, and to feel safe and secure in a committed relationship- this, although not the current M.O. nowadays, makes a lot of sense, and a man who were really interested in you would not have much trouble, I think, in seeing where you are coming from,and going at your pace.
BUT , as Chigirl already remarked, the problem is that if you don't feel loved, safe, secure and committed after one year- then you probably will never be. In fact, if after one year you still haven't figured out if you are in love, and if you feel cherished , respected etc.etc.- chances are that it's not the right match and that you are wasting each other time...
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (14 October 2016):
Like I said, OP, you need to figure out why, so you can find someone who feels the same way.
You should know after a year, whether or not you want to be intimate with them. If not, they aren't the one for you.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 October 2016):
 I would hardly call waiting a year into a relationship with no sex, "pressuring". If you mean you want to wait with sex and then eventually have it, after gotten to know someone properly in a relationship, then you need to set a time-frame. If it's going to take you 5 years to get to know someone, you need to let them know this from the start. I honestly think that waiting a year for sex, only to find out you still don't feel ready, is pushing it. You DO know someone after a year, and if by then you're still not ready to have sex with the person, I don't think you ever will be. And if I was in such a relationship, I would also ask about sex after a year had gone by (honestly I'd wait no longer than 6 months maximum).
I don't think you are being fair in calling this pressuring. It's a normal thing to want when in an adult relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all the kind words, everyone! I think i have more of an issue of getting in a relationship where the guy originally says it's okay but end up pressuring me anyways. Is that always going to be the fact of life? I'm just so tired of it.
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A
female
reader, bnsayl2  +, writes (14 October 2016):
I don't find it that strange, I applaud you for waiting. I too am waiting, and am always upfront with the guy I'm talking to so they know "I'm waiting until I'm married to have sex." If they want out, they have the opportunity and if they can respect that, we proceed. It is sometimes harder to weed out but it isn't impossible, don't give up hope. Sex isn't the relationship, if he doesn't value spending time with you and getting to know you then it isn't worth it; if he does, then the relationship will go somewhere and he will wait till you're ready. I'm not a virgin, I have however been abstinent/celibate for 4 years now and just started a new relationship with a non-virgin who is respecting my boundaries very well. It's all about communication. Don't give up, there are some respectful men out there who are looking for a partner to love and not just to sleep with.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (13 October 2016):
Lots of adults don't like/want/can't have sex, OP, so you'll still be able to find someone - they're just the minority compared to everyone else. Sex or no sex doesn't validate a relationship, it's just a case of finding someone with the same boundaries as you.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (13 October 2016):
Well, what exactly is it you believe in? No sex in a relationship? I would say yes, you will have a hard time finding that, because sex is an essential part of an adult relationship.
If it's no sex until marriage you want, then you should be looking for a partner that is religious and would be more used to the thought.
But if you plain and simply don't wish to ever have sex, I don't think you will have much luck with the romance, sorry, unless you really cut down on the list of demands and don't require much from your partner in other terms.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (12 October 2016):
I don't need necessarily think you should wait for another virgin, but I do think you should wait until you're ready and find a guy who is happy to. Unless you're waiting for marriage, if you don't feel ready within a year of being official with someone, they're probably not the one for you because there isn't that "I want to make love with you" feeling. I do differentiate between making love and sex, though, so I think not wanting to make love with someone (or close to it) after a year means you're probably not in love with them (unless sex is just something you don't want in a relationship, which is okay).
Figure out your reasons:
- marriage first? Find a guy you want to marry, who is willing to wait until marriage.
- don't want it ever? Find a guy who doesn't want it either.
- not ready yet? May need to see a therapist just to find out why, but it's likely you haven't found someone you loved and wanted to make love to.
After you know your reasons, you'll understand more about what type of guy you need to find :)
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 October 2016):
 No harm in waiting for what you believe in, yes he is probably right that very few people do wait now. But it is great that you respect yourself and are holding out for someone with the same morals.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (12 October 2016):
 Well, he was correct you are a rarity but don't give up on men just because he had an unrealistic expectation. Your abstinence will "pay off" when the right guy emerges. He will be so respectful for your decision to wait. It is better to be respected than just appreciated. Best wishes! There should be more like you in this world.
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