A
female
age
,
*ilval
writes:I have been married for twenty five years. I knew when I walked down isle that i shouldn't be. I have been having an affair for the past 15 years. I have not intimate relationship with my husband and haven't since my youngest child was 8 now 17. I asked for counseling and for a separation on several occasions years ago and I was told NO! He has never supported me and my career or my interests. He is a wonderful person and father to my children but not the right person for me. Because of my children I stayed. My youngest will be going to college soon. How do I leave? I think we should sell the family home and go our separate ways. How do I even begin to make that happen. How do I get my children to understand?
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (1 January 2011):
I think you should just contact a lawyer, learn as much as you can, make as many preparations as you can and then when everything's ready, leave. I wouldn't waste time talking to your husband about it, and I wouldn't waste any more time in that marriage.
It's time to go
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (1 January 2011):
Contact a divorce lawyer, they will walk you through the steps to get a divorce.
Instead of lawyers you can also choose to use divorce mediators, these are to make the divorce process less antagonistic and more cooperative however it may only work for amicable divorces where both spouses agree things are just not working out and are able to work together in a civil manner to accomplish a divorce. It may not work in your case where only one spouse wants to divorce and the other is dead set against it. So maybe for you a divorce lawyer rather than mediator is the way to go.
You could also seek divorce counseling, for yourself, for help in coping with the process and tips on how to explain to your family.
Personally I think it's not such a good idea to stay married for the sake of the kids. You could be messing up the kids and giving them psychological problems by staying married...I have seen the long term effects of this, on now-adult kids of such marriages. In many cases, the adult children lose respect for you once they understand that you stayed married for their sake. But to each his own, everyone can only do what they believe is best for their own kids and their own situation.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (1 January 2011):
 First of all... your children are grown up...This is for you. You did your job as a mother and you should not worry about protecting their emotional fragility as it relates to your own personal marriage life.I think you should have gotten divorced before now, but you are here and now, not in the past. You can't change the past but you can decide the present and change your future.Ironically, it is the new year, almost exactly on midnight, at least my time zone. Let this be a reminder that you have a future that you have that you can look forward to. You have done what you can to salvage the relationship. No sex with this man for nine years? Move on, sell the house, give him the house, whatever you need to do. Just move on, get a divorce, and do what is best for you. Hell, having a happy mother and a father that is not going to be any different is going to be better for your children. The only regret that you will have is if you don't take a shot with the guy you've known for 15 years.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2011): You have been having an affair for 15 years? Wow. After all this time it is just time to go. Just be honest and truthful and leave if you are not happy.
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A
female
reader, Secretlife  +, writes (1 January 2011):
you should tell your husband about the affair. you should have been divorced. You have to just tell your kids that mommy and daddy aren't in love anymore.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2011): I completely understand how you feel. I've been married 19 years and have been involved in one affair or another for the last 18 of those years. My wife is a wonderful, wonderful human being and the best mother in the world, I just don't feel any attraction to her, emotional or physical. She's not ugly, she's not a nag, she's not a bad person. I just don't have any connection with her.I too am staying for the children. The youngest is 10 so I figure I've got another 8-10 years before I can leave. I can't leave now because I think it would crush the kids and risk them having emotional issues as adults. So I stay, pretend things are good, and find any opportunity I can to get away for "business."Good luck with whatever you do. I don't have any good answers other than I think when my kids are gone, I will do just that: tell her I'm leaving and start splitting things up. I'm so unhappy that I really don't care about the "stuff" I just want to be able to find someone I can happily spend my time with. Unfortunately, I get older every day and I know I'll look back someday and see that I spent my "prime years" unhappy. But like I said, I'm doing it for the kids.
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