A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: What's so bad about me? Am I that ugly? Am I that invisible. It's so frustrating that I'm almost 21 and have never had a boyfriend and never had the opportunity to experience love. I feel like guys don't even see me or they just don't care. I get it, I'm not the most attractive guy, I'm definitely not what America and the Western world has deemed the standard of beauty. And I get that the gay community can be very shallow. But am I really that ugly? And are all gay guys really like that? Seems like it in my experience. I don't want to keep trying to have meaningless sex on dating apps for the rest of my life where 95% of the men ignore me and 5% try to fetishize me and treat me like an object. I want something real but I don't think that's some thing that'll happen for me. It was really exciting to hear about same sex marriage being legal in all 50 states. History was made and I'm happy for all the gay couples who can now marry their loved ones. But on the other hand it really depressed me because I don't think that's something I'll ever be able to experience. It's not in the cards for me. And from just my short 2o years on earth, time and time again, my experiences have shown me that true happiness just isn't in the cards for me.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2015): I'm a 26 year old gay male who has been with my partner for 7 years, in the gay community we're considered to be chubby and not extremely attractive. My partner is sexy to me and he tells me I am beautiful every day. In this time, we have moved four times and experienced many different people in various stages of their lives. My best friend who would describe himself in a very similar way as you just did, was 27 years old when he first met his partner. I have a friend who is extremely overweight and had his first boyfriend at age 29. First, don't give up, the love of your life is out there and it will probably take a few relationships before you even get there. Second, we don't have a biological clock, so it doesn't matter when you find your partner. Third, get off of the apps (the worst of the worst gay guys are on there as you seem to have noticed). Go out. Go out to gay bars, join community centers, clubs or support groups. These are the places you are more likely to find gay guys who are not shallow and self-absorbed. And I know it seems hard now, and this information that says just wait is hard to hear, but love yourself first or you won't be able to have a healthy relationship with your boyfriend when he does come along. You put yourself at risk of falling in love to quickly or having unrealistic expectations of the relationship. The boy who finds you enchantingly beautiful is out there, just keep your eyes and your heart open.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2015): Wow! So young, and such pessimism! You don't just instantly fall in-love with people. By the way, having such a negative-attitude shows. You project everything you've said in your post through your attitude. Your sad facial expressions, less than confident body-language, and general low self-esteem is all anyone sees when they look at you.
That detracts not only from your attractiveness, but it also make you look unapproachable. Sullen and a downer.
You don't go out to have fun. You go out patrolling for a relationship. Love is evasive, and it doesn't happen on demand. If you feel ugly, you act ugly. You're not friendly, you're standoffish, and short with people. You'll respond in short sentences, and people will take that to mean you want to be left alone.
There is also behaving just the opposite. Trying too hard to be noticed, overly-chatty, nervous, and desperate. That's awkward and makes people uncomfortable around you.
They wonder what's up your butt, so they leave you alone. If you're too quiet or shy, you blend into the crowd or the wallpaper. No one notices people who insist on being shy and never making any effort to be sociable or unreserved.
Stop worrying about having a boyfriend and just try to make friends. That will take a lot of pressure off yourself. Yes, gay men are very shallow; and they can be very superficial and hung-up on appearance. Not all of us are like that, just don't judge everyone by the few people you've met. Just how many could you have met anyway? You're only twenty! If you use those stupid hookup apps, don't expect much from those types. They represent the worst of men, gay or straight. They are also contributing to your cynicism. If you've tried making boyfriends of hookups. Your bad!
After-all, you haven't just tried being friendly for the sake of making friends. You're on a mission to snag a boyfriend. If you're rejecting guys because they don't seem interested in being your boyfriend, or don't take an instant interest in you; you'll give-up too easily out of frustration. Get-off your manhunt and just work on being affable and fun to be around.
Natural charm goes a long way my young friend. You're young, and you've got years ahead of you to find someone special. Stop letting the calendar tell you where you should be, and enjoy life without creating a lot of stuff in your head. Confident and friendly people make a lot of friends, and draw a lot of attention. Looks doesn't guarantee you love. Just attention. Personality does count. It's a rare commodity, and a lot of us are looking for that. Try it and see.
Avoid clicky-queens, and fashion-snobs. Perfect little snots who think trendy-fashion and not having a hair out of place is what being gay means. Walking stereotypes who priss around making others feel bad. Relax and be comfortable with who you are. I get so tired of having to tell people that. It's so simple that it works. Many never try, so they assume there is so much that has to be done. It just can't be so simple. They get one rejection, and fall apart. Be reasonable and realistic. You just don't aim for guys you know are totally out of your league, and judge yourself by their outstanding looks and unreachable standards. Use your own charm and personality, and stop putting yourself down. Be patient.
Once you chill and start having some fun, you'll attract guys to you. Trust me on this. I'm gay. I know what I'm talking about.
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A
female
reader, Kendle  +, writes (28 June 2015):
 You're 20 years old honey! Stop worrying! You're not behind. But what I do think is important is to learn to be happy on your own and love yourself before you get in a relationship anyway. If you don't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you? Also, desperation is a huge turn off in anyone's eyes. People want to be with someone who they believe has high standards and who is interesting in their own right. Stop looking for love, just be open to it when it comes along. In the meantime, focus on making the rest is your life fun and exciting. I've spent 6 years of my life in relationships and came to the sad conclusion that I've never actually been in love and am actually a lot happier on my own. I think I'll be happy to stay single now until (and if) the right person comes along. Funnily enough though, now I'm not interested in meeting someone, I seem to get a lot more attention!
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