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age
30-35,
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writes: I have run into a problem. I am a person who can be told not to do this (ex. if you ride that horse, you're going to get bucked off), but I still get on. I always have to learn the hard way.I am at the tender age of 18, and I am engaged and getting married in 5 months. I have questioned my intentions and if this is the right guy for me. We've been together for a little over a year. I rushed into it, but now that I realize everything is happening too fast, I’m stuck and have no idea where to go or what I should do. I am terrible for doing what others think is best for me. I never really listen to myself or what I should do. My family and friends all say he’s the best and he's so good for me. He is, don't get me wrong, but I can't help but wonder what else is out there for me. I’m 18, just out of high school. I want to travel. I want to go away from home, and find who I want to be. I want to work on ranches, go places where every cowgirl dreams. But I can't without him saying something that discourages me from it. That makes me feel terrible... I need help. I need blunt advice. I don't know who to talk to...
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male
reader, uncle bob  +, writes (11 March 2011):
 In essence, as far as the adult world is concerned, your still a child. You've just finished high school.
You are about to take your first step into the adult world.
At this point, you really don't who you are yet.
This process takes a fair amount of time, I'm talking at least 5 or so years. You have no life experience yet, so how on earth are you going to get any if your married.
Think of this and see if it's in your best interests.
Two and a half years from now, you have a baby at your breast, and your wondering what to make for supper.
All the while your thinking about your high school friends, with which you no longer have any contact.
Only because your married and they're not. You can't relate to each other anymore because your worlds are too far apart now.
You stand in front of a sink full of dirty dishes, looking out the window on a cold November afternoon, all alone, except for the crying baby in the background. You think about what your former friends are doing right now.
"John" is in his second year of med school, and what about "Sharon"? Didn't she get that job with the travel agency? Oh yea, she's in the south of France right now doing research for that travel brochure.
Then there's "Karen" and "Jim". They took a year off to backpack their way through Europe. I wonder how they're doing today?
And here you are, two and a half years later. Standing in front of a sink full of dirty dishes, alone with a crying baby, looking out the window, on a cold November afternoon.
It suddenly dawns on you, your period is almost three weeks late. If only I hadn't gotten married so young!
I'm sorry if I paint such a bleak picture, but unless your marrying into a great deal of money, this will be your life for many years to come.
I know it's easy for a young girl like you to get all caught up in all the pomp and ceremony of your up coming wedding. Choosing your brides maids, picking out a wedding gown, figuring out who to invite and where to seat them at the reception. Plus you have the added pressure of every one telling you that this "is the guy for you". "Your going to be so happy"
Do yourself a favour, in the next month or so, read this letter many times.
If in that time, you still decide to marry, I wish you all the happiness you can find.
But remember, you'll always have this in the back of your mind, "I wonder who I COULD have been"
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 March 2011):
 You want it blunt? Then I will point out how you are fooling yourself. First you tell us you will do the things people tell you not to do. Then you go on to tell us that you never do what YOU want to do, or listen to yourself!
So are you telling us that you got engaged out of a dare? And it's not really what you want? What is it really? Be honest with yourself here.
If you got engaged out of the heck of it, prepare for a break-up. Because once your boyfriend hears that you never wanted to get married in the first place, but was only trotting along/doing it for the heck of it, he will be devastated.
When you agreed to marry him did you not consider HIM? Did you not consider his feelings? You said you want to do things in life and find out who you are etc. Well it's a bit late to think about that now isn't it? Why didn't you think of that sooner? Have you not thought this through? What exactly were you thinking? If you can trace back your thought to that moment you will learn how to NOT make the same mistakes again.
He might be a great guy for you, but the way things are now you need to practice one heck of a good speech to get yourself out of this mess. You don't want to be married? Don't tell your boyfriend you never wanted to in the first place. If you tell him that you will rip his heart to pieces. If you never wanted to marry, it means you have been living on a lie for all this time you were engaged, and you have been making a fool out of him. Spare him the hurt, and tell him this instead: I've gotten cold feet and am scared that we are rushing into things. I'd like for us to stay engaged for longer, and do things in life before getting married (such as traveling or whatever).
If you suggest to call off the engagement you are basically breaking up with him.
This is a typical case of not thinking ahead. It's a skill you learn while growing up and becoming an adult. Don't make the mistake of getting married to a man when you don't want to be married yet. Sure it could be great, and the best ever... But when in doubt, don't buy.
At this "tender" age of yours, don't go into this situation again. Wait until you are prepared for the consequences of your actions.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011): You are not ready for marriage yet, either call it off or postpone it. You need to live some first, go and do the things you want to.
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A
female
reader, Nime  +, writes (11 March 2011):
 One of the most common reasons for divorce from a marriage is because one or both parties during their engagement realized the other person was wrong for them but said nothing because they felt the wedding plans were too far along. Realize that it's very common to have second thoughts and realize you're heading down the wrong path during an engagement; where people go wrong is NOT listening to these feelings and getting married anyway. This often happens when people feel they can't get out of the engagement because it will 'disappoint' everyone who was expecting a wedding and especially when money has already been put down toward the wedding. But in the end, it costs far more money and breaks more hearts (possibly your children's) when you get married despite knowing it's wrong and then inevitably get divorced later.
You're only 18 and you're allowed to change your mind (as you are at any age). You're also young and need to explore your options. Over the next decade or so you'll find that it seems like every year you're a totally different person than you were last year. This is a period full of change and definitely not a good time to get married. Divorce lawyers all agree that people should wait until they're at least 30 to get married these days. I'd say break off the engagement; nothing is written in stone yet, you're not yet married to this guy, and I'm sure your parents will be happiest with whatever makes you happiest. Good luck!!
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (11 March 2011):
 If you want to travel and still enjoy yourself, why dont you do it with your bf - you dont need to get married to enjoy yourself.
IMHO you are far too young to get married, you and you bf will change so much in the coming years, rather hold off on such a committment and after say 5 years if you still feel that same, and you have achieved some of your dreams, then fair enough, get married.
But please dont get married so young just because you family and friends think it is a good idea. What might be a good idea for them might be a lifelong drudgery for you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011): If you have any doubts whatsoever then you shouldn't get married.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011): You massively contradict yourself by saying you can't be told not to do something and in the next sentence that you always do what others say? To me it sounds as though you do listen to yourself but don't want to take responsibility for your choices. This single trait alone is big enough reason to not marry and take a few years to gain some maturity.
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (11 March 2011):
 Hello, 18 is very young to be entering the commitment of marriage. I think it is pretty normal to want to travel, find an occupation and live a little at 18. If you don't do it then, you will be bitter when you reach middle or old-age and think back on your life thinking what happened? You may have been lucky and found the right man for you to spend the rest of your life with. However, if he is the right man then he should understand your need to have some independence and find yourself. If he is hoping that through marriage then you will just settle down then he will be disappointed. You will tire of marriage if you have nothing else in your life. I think you should postpone your wedding until you are older and sure of what you want. If you have the slightest doubt about this commitment then step back and ask him for some time and space to pursue your own life. If he is unwilling to be flexible then he would not be a supportive husband and the marriage would have been doomed anyway. Talk to him before too many marriage plans are made and explain how you feel.
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