A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Please can you advise me although I think I may know the answer already....I have been with my current boyfriend for 18 months after being friends for about 4 years. Previously I had always gone for 'bad' boys and was in a relationship where the guy hit me and I didn't have the courage to leave him for 2 years. I have had no problems like that with my current boyfriend.When we first got together, I had just started a well paid job and he was self employed. Due to the economic crisis his hours were cut and I brought in all of the money ( the money he earned in one day went towards his debts)Now 18 months later he still doesn't have a job and hasn't even attempted to look once. I have to pay for everything, which includes cigarettes, food and household items, bills for Sky etc and occasionally I have to pay some debts if he hasn't got the funds. We went to France in the beginning of our relationship and he loaned the money to me for the flight and I had to pay him straight back. We visited Greece a few months ago and I paid for everything including flights, hotel and spending money. Whenever I ask him for the money, he gets angry with me. I have recently bought a new car and have my own debts to pay, but he doesn't seem to realise this. The relationship is non existant - he is an online gamer on one popular game and he plays in the night and sleeps in the day. This means I go to work as he is going to bed, I don't mind this so much in the week, but when I am off at weekends I am on my own constantly. (It is 10.11pm here and I have been on my own all day as he hasn't got out of bed yet).I have to come home to do the cleaning etc as well as earning the money and buying things.I don't know what to do anymore as whenever I try to get serious, he laughs at me or just ignores me. I can't save for things I want to as I'm finding I'm left with no money at the end of the month as I'm paying for everything. We rarely have sex as we don't see each other and when I initiate he will just sit playing his game. He says he loves me, but I am unsure whether he is just keeping me around as he wouldn't survive without the money? Please help. Sorry so long winded, there are many factors! Thanks
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female
reader, Tarawr  +, writes (12 October 2009):
 That's horrible that he's gone this long without a job. It would be a different story if he was at least looking... I'm guessing he either plays RuneScape or World of Warcraft?
When you get the chance, ask him why he can't look for a job online while he is gaming.
I'm almost in the same boat. All my boyfriend cares about is playing RuneScape or something on X-Box. He's looked for a job ONCE in the past 10 months. As a matter of fact, he's in the other room playing RuneScape right now.
I'm about ready to just dump him. It's not the only reason that I want to leave, but it's a large factor.
I wouldn't put up with his laziness issue for any longer than I had to. He can at least get a part time job.
If you want to go for the harsh route, first thing when you get home from work, jerk his butt out of bed, tell him that he's got debts to pay off and you're tired of him paying more attention to a false reality (the online games) than real-life issues.
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (12 October 2009):
 You are far too young to become a mother, and that is what he has turned you into.
You need to move on. You aren't married, so that's probably a good thing, even if you both pitched in and moved in together. You actually didn't take vows with this guy. He's a grownup, he's and adult, and you aren't related. You can at least tell yourself that while you are sorting through all of the emotions that you are going through right now. Chances are, he's going through the mid-twenties crisis ~
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quarter-life_crisis
But, really, this is just a lack of maturity and an unwillingness to grow up. People need to support themselves and burying their head in the sand (or video games) isn't a reasonable response. You need to ***TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF***.
Sometimes, as a grownup, that means cutting ties, or just being harsh. Getting angry with you, when you call him on his failure to pony up or be a true partner should be a very, very CLEAR sign to you how he is not the least bit involved in your relationship or feeling responsible for any of it, which is why he has backed out of any sex as well. It's all about controlling you and making you responsible for taking care of him.
YOU need to be a grown up and take care of yourself. I have a daughter your age, and I know that she would recognize that as much as she wished otherwise, this relationship is a lost cause and dragging her down. Good Luck Sweetness.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2009): In all relationships, both people must be held accountable for their choices. Giving up your self-respect and values to hold onto someone who is dragging you down, is corroding your sense of self and I have to ask why, you are allowing it? He has some big problems, girl and it's really hurting you. His lack of ambition troubles do not merit your empathy so do not go into denial by using your tolerance as a healing balm for his problems. He sounds like may have a 'gamer addiction' and may need some help with that. The only way he will ever change and be motivated is for you to ask him to address his inner problems, and tell him you not accepting his way of life, here. You need to be strong because he needs to get help. He's stuck in a rut and it's taking you down. Do the right thing and make your life a happier one, by setting a tough boundry and having him get the counseling he needs. If he won't help himself, you can't do anything more and you last choiceyou have, may be to walk away. I wish you the best hun...take care and be strong.
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A
female
reader, banditsmom1124 +, writes (11 October 2009):
 its time to get rid of him! this type of guy NEVER changes...sure he might get a job for a while but hell go back to mooching i think. if you need to get the police involved but get rid of him! start your life over w/o looking back!!!
hugs
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