A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:basically i am in love with a man who is 30 years older than me. i am 18.we have been 'friends with benefits' exclusively for 2 years but have a stupid habit of calling each other bf or gf. i went to visit him about a week ago and we decided that because we had fallen in love we should call it a day, its not like a relationship between us would ever work because of our age and he has a mum who suffers from severe dementia to care for.anyway we talked/cried about how we wish we could spend our lives togetheris it a stupid idea for me to suggest to him that i actually would be willing to carry our relationship on? and officially as gf and bf? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 November 2011):
 go to uni.../college etc... keep his friendship but do not be exclusive.. DO NOT make him promises...
I'm 51 I go for YOUNGER men... MUCH younger men... I could NOT handle anyone in their 20s much less their teens... so I worry that his desire for you is not about long lasting things...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell i think you are right i am lying, but i am lying to myself and i know that but i still cannot really admit it to myself when it comes to certain things.
i have never lied about my age to him, he lied about his to me though for a while, he is just 51, it was his birthday a few weeks ago but he had told me he was 48 when we first met, he came clean after we had had sex for the first time (about 8/9 months into our 'relationship' because he started to feel bad.
a lot of the time he does act like
i should just add that i am a fresher in 9 weeks or so into my first term at university now and am 18
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (18 November 2011):
 Hi baby girl.. I thought I scared you, and you wouldn't come back again. You are very brave. So how much was I right about and how much did I get wrong? You got courage, I like that.. but I do not like him very much. Anyway, you two are finished you said. You got to go uni and grow up. There are nice people at uni, you don't need him anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2011): He IS taking advantage of you. He knows he probably will never find anyone as gullible as you again.
Sorry but hes no good so please divert your attention away from him before you regret it.
You may think your in love,maybe you are, but sometimes love is misplaced and we don't find out till its too late.
I wish I had his contact details because he needs to be spoken to and have it known that others are aware of his tricks
I truly hope you see sense and stop all contact with this predator.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
A large part of me worries that he is taking advantage of me but please don't be so harsh about it because I really do love him and I don't want to loose him yet.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (12 November 2011):
Young lady... I noticed from the start that you like to hide things. You've probably been hiding all of this from your parents. Little by little you tell us more of the story, and the more you tell the worst it gets. No wonder your parents are upset and hate him.When I first read your story, I thought this guy sounds like a paedophile. I actually wanted to vomit. But you said you both loved each, .... blah, blah, blah... RUBBISH!! YOU YOUNG LADY KEEP SECRETS AND TELL LIES..Let me tell you how I understand your story.....A silly young 17year old girl, who should be out dating and dancing and have a guy worship her, goes on the internet and picks up some strange dirty old man.She agrees to visiting him letting him screw her, no date or dinner needed, and unlike a prostitute he doesn't need to pay. She doesn't tell her parents because she knows they would say... WHY THE HELL ARE YOU PLAYING WHORE FOR THIS DIRTY OLD MAN...She lies about her age, and probably sneaks and hides to see him. She isn't even that in love with him, but she takes all the risks, she always has to travel to see him, she's the one in danger of getting thrown out of her house. He can't tell your parents he'll take care of you, he can't even talk to him, because the man is a lazy, perverted, Coward.. He isn't offering anything except sex, so it's not really his problem. But it's ok, because at least she's getting screwed.9 months down the line he "falls in love". Hell, I'd fall in love with you too... 17year old sex kittens who come when you call are hard to find when you are nearly 50years old. HELL!!!! YOUR POOR FATHER MUST BE GOING THROUGH THE ROOF!!!!! I GOT A BAD TEMPER, I CAN JUST IMAGINE WHAT I WOULD DO."he thinks he is able to have fallen in love with me because his dad died when he was 11 and he feels like he never grew up" (Our naive anonymous caller)This guy is retarded, and I don't mean that in an insulting way. He can't meet a proper adult woman and have a proper relationship, instead he picks up a young child on the internet. He hasn't spent one second thinking about your welfare. You have to tell lies and keep secrets. You have to travel to him, does it cost money, does he pay the fare or do you walk. He isn't man enough to face your parents. He hasn't spent one single second thinking about what this will do to your future. He decides to go on holiday, or rather he wants a sex holiday and so he takes you. Doesn't care about your parents feelings, how worried they are about you being with him. HOW THE HELL DID YOUR PARENTS SLEEP WHILST YOU WERE AWAY???Looking after his mum, nope, that's not what this childish elderly baby boy does, his mother looks after him.YOUR FUTURE IF YOU STAY WITH CHILDISH MAN.No kids. He's probably to old to have them, and he is too selfish to share you and too lazy to help you look after them. You don't need babies anyway, your man will be the biggest baby there is, and you will spend a hell of a lot of time looking after him. Don't expect him to change, he doesn't have the ability to support you and you will have to look after your own well being.What happens as you grow older? He likes young 17year olds, what happens when you hit 21. But you will grow up in university and I really can't see you staying with him for very long.You are still very young. Your actions are not sensible. You have let this man turn you into a liar. You have hurt and worried your parents. You've probably also been lying to friends as well. This guy needs you but I don't understand what you are doing with him? Is he your first relationship?I never, ever deny the power of love. IF THIS GUY LOVES YOU, THEN TELL HIM TO CONVINCE YOUR PARENTS. If your parents believe he is good for you, then I'll believe it too. Stop crying, go to uni and learn your lessons and have fun... Tell the guy if he wants you, he'll have to do it the old fashioned way. No more meeting on the internet and arranging quick sex. Tell him to go to your father and ask his permission to date.Sorry, I'm angry and I needed to vent to. I'm very aware that you've told nobody any of this and you've been keeping it all deep in yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2011): So he declares his love as you go off to Uni? Hmm am sorry but even though you say you love him I think you should get out there and experience student life, its only 3-4 years and if he does love you he will let you go... as they say if you come back your his, but if not then you never were.
I wish as many on here probably do , that they had listened to their parents,they aren't out to spoil your life, they really do care and want the best.If this relationship does work out after Uni then great, everyone will just accept it eventually. But as it stands - well its your life so up to you....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2011): What really stand out here is the Fact that this man started having sex with u when u were 16. This sends alarm bells ringing straight to prison, and throwing away the key! U were a Child when u met him, he groomed u and he kept u as his sex playmate and to top it off he told u that he was interested in sex only. This old gramps groomed u, took u to fancy hotels, restaurants, bought u stuff. Just picturing all this makes me want to puke. Sorry but that's how I feel.
Your poor parents being unable to keep u away from this pervert. I do not envy your parents job right now. U lied to them right from the start about this old man. U deliberately kept the truth from them and they had no control over u. U did as u pleased. Your parents feel helpless right now and if u have any compassion whatsoever, u will realise how this is all tearing them apart.
Are u the only young woman this man is/was sleeping with? It is total hogwash that he accepted breaking up bec he was falling in love with you?
This man has No respect for u and none for anyone else, even your parents. He has no morals. If he was really honorable he would have met your parents and explained the situation.
Your choice really but what an eye opener. Seems like this man like young ones, the younger the better. Am I wrong in stating that he is now tired of you? Is he still
prowling the internet?
Bad feeling about this...
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionnope, i met him on the internet 1 and a half years ago. my parents knew but not about his age etc at first. we met up a few times, i fell for him but he made it very clear our relationship was nothing more than sex and never would be, i didnt tell him how i felt because i knew he would leave me as that would have been the right thing to do.
about 9 months down the line, by this point we were seeing each other rather frequently, he started to tell me he really liked me, kept trying to buy me stuff take me on holiday invite me to stay at his but i didn't want to because my parents still didn't know.
then my parents found out and were sceptical in the same way i would be, once they knew i said i would go on holiday somewhere with him and we were going to go surfing in S England but my parents were convinced that he was taking me there to try and 'kill me and throw my body of a pier' or something and would not let me go. we postponed the relationship but stayed in contact through email etc...
a few months before i got to uni we started seeing each other as much as possible and the time apart was horrible, i was faithful to him the whole time and he was faithful too.
we stayed in nice hotels and ate out and had fun and then i think we booth realised we were falling hard for each other, sex became really passionate and loving and slow and romantic. the other day he admitted he had fallen in love with me a time when we met and it was torrential rain outside, he asked why my clothes were so wet and i admitted i had given my umbrella to someone i saw at a bus stop that i knew had further to get home than i did. i have been in love with him much longer than that moment, which was just before our time apart.
he thinks he is able to have fallen in love with me because his dad died when he was 11 and he feels like he never grew up, but i always though it would be rather hard to put the pieces together again if we disected our relationship to really look at it.
sorry for the rant, feels good to get that out
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (10 November 2011):
OK, it's the age thing. I wouldn't like my young daughter dating a man so old. But if you love each other and he treats you right, your parents will eventually understand.
If it's love, he needs to prove to your parents that you are his world. He needs to do everything to show that he will take care of you and honor you.
If you were my daughter, I would want him to wait until you are a little older. I would want you to experience life as a young person doing things that young people do. If he waited for you and was still there after a couple of years, I might even begin to like him and think he is worthy of you.
If it's love, it should be strong enough to conquer all. He is older, he is the one who should stand up and find a way to be able to love you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 November 2011):
ok we need more info
why and how do your parents know him... do they have or did they have a relationship with him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell also my mum hates him, and my dad seems like he wants to kill him...
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 November 2011):
I really don't understand.So he's older, so what... there is nothing illegal in your relationship.Your not married, and you didn't mention any wife for him.Why can't you be his proper girlfriend? So what if he has a sick mum. There is no rule that says you can't get married or have a girlfriend because your looking after someone.I really don't understand. If you love him and he loves you, why can't you both be together, why do you have to do only sex, why do you have to split up?I really don't understand your problem... unless the guy isn't as honest or truthful as you think. You sure it's a mother and not a wife he's taking care of?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou everyone for your response, i think every point is valid whether it is about going for it or being cautious.i know i'm being stupid thinking i should stay with him but i just feel deep down like i want to.i guess the best thing to d is split before the though of loosing him makes me start to feel physically sick!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 November 2011):
if the only reason you are not having a "real" relationship is due to age, then go for it.
Granted I think that at 18 you may change your mind later on and if I was him that would be MY fear...
if you both want to be togther then DO IT.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2011):
The worrying thing I feel is the fact you have been seeing him as a FWB, exclusively, since you were 16, meaning you can't have had experience of dating lads your own age and have been having sex with this older man all that time. If it were my daughter in this situation I would be reading the riot act, would have from the start.
When somebody has dementia they normally end up having to go into a specialist Home as the condition deteriorates to needing 24/7 care, so his Mum won't always be dependant on him.
Its up to you and him how you proceed but I wouldn't look on this as a long term thing for yourself.Just enjoy the moment grab happiness but dont end up as HIS carer
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A
male
reader, unknown2u +, writes (9 November 2011):
Hun, you do what you want. If you feel like you're in love with him and you want to carry on, then go for it.
But let's just add a 'get real' thing here. There is no future here for you. He's old. You're not. You're 18. At some point you're going to realize that you're missing out on a whole bunch of life. More so as he gets older. One day you're going to wake up in the morning, while he's being creaky and flatulent, and you're going to ask why you can't go out dancing and drinking and not have to go to the rest home to tend to his mother.
Like I said, do what you want to do. But don't commit your life, because one day you're going to regret it big time.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 November 2011):
 Putting myself into the shoes of a guy who is nearly 50 (not so far a stretch, I'm 51).... if he's telling you he only wants to be FWB, then he only wants the no-strings-attached sex.
If you think you are old enough to be in a relationship with him, then ask for what you want. It's not weird or unusual to be straightforward about your goals.
My guess is that he's fobbing you off with some half-hearted promises and excuses.
My advice to you is to be very clear about what you want and expect from a relationship. If you want to be bf/gf, don't settle for less.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (9 November 2011):
 Why would that be stupid? If you both want to then go for it. Screw the age gap, you're put on earth to live life once, do whatever the heck you want thanks going to make you happy.
Good luck.
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