17 reasons why I shouldnt be with my boyfriend, so why am I still with him?

A female age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I have been together with my Mister Trouble for four years now. During this time I came to realize that 1) we are not really compatible with each other emotionally, and that our intimacy demands are to different to actually have a "proper"relationship. I am still hurting from the disappointment I have suffered in my love 2) despite not loving him romantically i still love him as a person and really care for him as he is a very good companion and is fun to be around 3) I need space to myself (at the moment we are renting a room in London)so whilst I could imagine having him as a flatmate, sharing a room is difficult 4)the ideal way (which we both recognize) would be to stay close but live separately 5)we went through some hard times together and he has is a in a big financial debt in general 6) his finances are almost certainly out of control 7) currently all my wages go to support us as he never had a job (he is 30 years old has 2 degrees and only worked as a private language tutor, but is talented in art)8)his dad has a bit of wealth and can support him from time to time, whilst I don't have any such "cushion"9) My plan was to work this year and then go back to uni, but because of his lack of job I wasn't able to do that 10) he is genuinely worried about his job situation, but suspect he might have something like avoidant personality disorder and definitely suffers from depression and lack of confidence 11) at the moment I am so sick of not being able to afford anything that I am not able to be understanding to his situation and to offer support to him. frankly it overwhelms me 12)I really want to move forward and get on with things and the best thing would be probably to leave him, because I soooo frustrated with this situation...but I cannot bring myself to do this. As I said we were together for a while and we went together though some things, so leaving him in trouble just seems unfair.13) what can I do?I really cannot continue working and have absolutely nothing to left for myself (wanted to go to the gym, learn the guitar, get running shoes...etc, etc)HE KNOWS this, and repeats that he is looking for work , but I don't think he brings himself to apply for more than 5 jobs per week.14) in a way I am emotionally dependent on him as I moved here from another country and all my friends are somewhere else (anyway they are tired of my complaining about this relationship)15) in December I gave him a deadline to sort things out until the beginning of february...but he isn't good at keeping deadlines! He seems to be optimistic about being able to sort things out soon, but I have lost trust in him 16) I feel hurt that somebody who is dear to me is blocking my existential progress and development 17) I didn't have a job myself for a while, and know that having a job is not the only thing that identifies us as human beings so I feel really uncomfortable wanting split with somebody because they don't have a job and I worry what will he do? Also I am pretty afraid of taking responsibility and living on my own (what if I get fired, or cannot pay the rent, I wouldn't have anyone to turn to...)

View related questions: confidence, debt, flatmate, my ex

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A male reader, Danielepew  +, writes (24 April 2008):

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