A
female
age
30-35,
*aShBaSh
writes:I'm 16 years old and want a baby. Ok so I'm 16, turn 17 in 10 months, I finish high school in just under 5 months and have already achieved good grades so far. My boyfriend is the exact same except he is 2 months older then me. We have been together for quite some time now and we are in love, but the thing is, we want to have a baby, we have both been wanting a baby for quite a while now, its all we ever think and talk about, we are even losing sleep over it.All I'im really asking for is some advise and opinions and if possible a bit of feedback off other people in the same situation or teenage mothers/fathers. I just want a baby soo bad it hurts, I know it's going to take alot, I've raised children before to the extent where they have mistaken me for their mother. I know it's not easy, but both my boyfriend and I can handle the stress. We will be able to provide for the baby and would also be able to continue our education....we are not like typical teenagers so we would not be missing out on teenage life, our social lives literally consist of being with one another so we wouldnt be really missing out...Please if anyone could provide us with some advise and feedback it would be much appreciated. x
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female
reader, TaShBaSh +, writes (10 February 2011):
TaShBaSh is verified as being by the original poster of the question i appreciate all the feed back and i know about all the risks....you have told me about not being able to handle money, if i couldnt handle money then i wouldnt even think about a baby, i have a job in music technology with pretty good pay, my boyfriend has a job and we have both been saving, and i also have previous savings from before i met him, put it this way, i aint short of money....
now with the school/college....iv almost finished school and predicted good grades, i already have a place at one of the best colleges in the country, as for a babysitter while i am out/college/work...that wouldnt be a problem, we both have supportive families and there is a daycare centre minutes from home and there is also one on the college campus.....house big enough for baby, yes i have recently moved house to somewhere alot bigger with my parents, my bf now lives with me and things are how they should be for a baby....as for not being able to handle stress, iv been dealing with stress etc since a very early age, iv been through more then most teenage girls so anyone that says i cant handle stress doesnt know my life.....with my bf i know things dont always go to plan, we have had to deal with quite alot in the time i have been with him, theres been ups and downs and we have still come out as strong as ever
as i have said, me and my bf are not typical teenagers, we dont like parties, we are more happy just sitting in with a movie or whatever, we wouldnt be missing out on anything
whether me and my bf will last i dont know, but for now im just gonna hold him to his word, if we grow apart then it obviously wasnt meant to be, either way im gonna be a damn good mother, whether i have a child now, or in 10 years!
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (31 January 2011):
 First things first - having a baby when the age of the mother is under 20 puts both you and your baby at some prety major risks of birth defects and health problems. Here are the main ones:
- Teenage mothers are less likely to gain adequate weight during their pregnancy, leading to low birthweight. Low birthweight is associated with several infant and childhood disorders and a higher rate of infant mortality. Low-birthweight babies are more likely to have organs that are not fully developed, which can result in complications, such as bleeding in the brain, respiratory distress syndrome, and intestinal problems.
- Pregnant teens have a higher risk of getting high blood pressure - called pregnancy-induced hypertension - than pregnant women in their 20s or 30s. They also have a higher risk of preeclampsia. This is a dangerous medical condition that combines high blood pressure with excess protein in the urine, swelling of a mother's hands and face, and organ damage.
So basically, having a baby at 16/17 will massively increase your chances of having a poorly baby, or you will have some serious side effects that will stop you from living your life normally. Is it worth these risks just because you 'want' a baby right now? There is are hundreds of reasons why most people wait until their 20's to have a baby, and this is a pretty big reason.
Aside from putting your health at risk and your unborn child's health at risk, here are the other issues you need to consider:
1. Are you in a stable, long term relationship where the chances are you will get married in the near future? You say you have been together "a while" but how long is that? 6 months? 1 year? Chances are you will still be in the honeymoon period and will have not put any real strain on your relationship, you will have no idea how your relationship would cope under any pressure, let alone the serious issues that a baby creates. And read around other teen mom questions on this site - so many girls come on here wanting a baby aged 13/14/15/16/17, all of them saying their boyfriends really want a baby too - and then, as soon as its born - boyfriend gets the shock of his life, he is not ready for the responsiblity and does a runner. All the girls come on here massively upset, saying "he really wanted a family with me, he was so excited before the baby arrived about being a dad" but off he goes when the going gets tough. Men can just walk away from their children quite easily, because they have no real ties to it. Whereas women have the bond of carrying it for 9 months, there is no way you can ever run away from your responsiblities.
2. Do you own or rent a house big enough to have a child? Or are you expecting your parents to house the child, while still keeping you (their own child) under their roof, and looking after it while you are at school? Is that really fair on your child and your family? Or worst of all, are you going to expect the tax payer to fork out for a council house for you, so you live for free off normal hardworking people?
3. Do you have a good career with future prospects? If you are at school, then the answer is no and if you have a child you will never be able to have a good career because no-one will hire a woman who needs to start at 10am and leave at 4pm due to the child. You will not be an attractive candidate for a good job with a child - simple as that. Yes you could get a job in a supermarket or post office etc where you can work shifts - but you will never get a really good job that has a good future, you will just have dead end jobs available to you.
4. Does your partner have a good career where he can support you and the child? Again, if he is younger than you then the answer will be no.
5. Have you finished your education? Answer here is no - and dont try and fool yourself into thinking it wont be a problem to carry on with it once baby is born - you will be getting 2 hours sleep a night if you are lucky, you will be exhausted and your school work will suffer. Even if you make your parents become free childcare while you are at school, your grades will be terrible and it wont even have been worth going back.
6. Do you have a car? Well you are 16 so that isnt possible. How do you think you are going to get around with your baby? What if it needs to go to the doctor and your mummy and daddy arent around to be your taxi?
7. Do you have some savings ready to fork out the initial costs of having a child? Like buying all the things you need in preparation for a child?
8. Do you have a supportive family network around you? That does not mean you can abuse them - as much as your mum and dad will like being a grandparent, they wont be able to afford to support you plus another child, and then be the free childcare serivce as well. Unless you can have this baby completely alone (i.e. with no help from mum and dad) then you should not do it.
9. Are you ready to give up going out with friends, having any money to buy clothes/make-up etc for yourself? All for the baby? You will have no time or money for yourself so you need to be ready to give up a lot for this child.
Think about it this way - you want to give your child the best life you possibly can, but is this possible at your age? Or would you be able to provide more for your child, like educational toys, days out, more knowledge and wisdom, a better family environment, if you waited a few years?
The reason why most people wait until they are in their 20's to have kids is so they can finish their educations, get good jobs that pay well (children are SO expensive, they estimate it will cost over £100,000 until the child is 18), and more importantly - so that you are wise enough and knoweldgeable enough to raise a child well. When the child comes to you asking for help with its homework, or wants to know some deep question about life, normally you need a good amount of life experience behind you to really give your child the knowledge and values it needs to set them up in life. And if you have not lived, and all you have done is quit school to have a child, you are not going to be able to give it the rounded, knowledgeable childhood it needs to turn the child into a well-rounded adult.
Think about if you are in a position to give the child the best life possible, or if you need to get your life sorted first. There is never any harm in waiting, if you have a child at 23/25 you will still be a young mum but at least you will be in a better place in life to handle having a child.
Having a baby now will not make your life better - it will only make it worse. You will have no money, no friends, and no future. The baby wont show its love for you for a few years - at first it is just a pooping, eating and sleeping machine that is only interested in the people that feed it. Love is not enough for a child - it needs the support of 2 adults (mum and dad) who are mentally and emotionally ready for a child and the hardship it brings. You cannot give the child all it needs on love alone, a baby needs so much more.
Even if you are in love with your boyfriend and are happy, just enjoy being young and in love for a few more years - babies can wait. You have the rest of your life to be a mum, but you only have your teenage years once and these years should be the best of your life. See what your relationship is like when you are 20 and see how your lives turn out - then you will be in a much better position to have a child.
Quite simply - your hormones are making you feel this way and it is totally normal. All girls go through pangs of wanting a baby, purely because we are designed to feel that way. Some girls have the urge stronger than others, and for some it stays with them until they actually have a child. But the main thing is to realise that you are more than just your hormones, and there are very good reasons why having a baby at your age would be a terrible idea. Just because your hormones say so, does not mean you should act upon it.
So please, just do the right thing and wait. You have all the time in the world for babies. If you had one now you would be making a huge, hormone driven mistake. So be rational and logical here, if you really are such mature teenagers then you will be able to see past your own selfish wants and realise that having a baby now is not the best thing for the child.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, xanthic  +, writes (31 January 2011):
 Okay, let's put this into perspective. You listed things like having good grades and being together a long time as good reasons to have a baby. You say you're turning 17 in 10 months. Do you realize this is very typical of a child to say when he or she wants to seem older? Adults never use this phrase, we're not counting down the months when it's almost a year until our next birthday. Do you have any clue what having a child is really, truly like?
What you think you want is absolutely nothing like the reality of it. You like the idea of having a baby, sharing the experience with your boyfriend, etc. Having children is a wonderful thing, but have you considered what it'll be like the rest of the time, when the baby won't sleep and you've been up for the last 20 hours? What about when it gets sick, or needs food, or needs to be changed four or five times a day? Have you thought about what it's going to be like when that baby grows up and isn't a cute little kid any more?
'I know it's not easy, but both my boyfriend and I can handle the stress.'
Many adults are overwhelmed with the stress of raising a child, there's no way you're prepared for it at 16. No one is ever fully prepared for it.
'We will be able to provide for the baby and would also be able to continue our education..'
No, you won't be able to. You're going to work, go to school and then take care of a baby? With what time and what money? Who's going to watch it while you're gone? There are only so many hours in a day, you'll have to pick two and give up on the third.
'..we are not like typical teenagers so we would not be missing out on teenage life, our social lives literally consist of being with one another so we wouldnt be really missing out...'
Okay, so what happens if your boyfriend decides he wasn't as ready as he thought and leaves? You can't let everything depend on something that isn't guaranteed to be permanent, i.e. your relationship with your boyfriend. Things change. You can't rely on the assumption that everything will stay the same when something as life-changing as a child is brought into the world.
I realize I come across as harsh, but you're in desperate need of a snap back to reality. You're both 16, there's absolutely no way either of you will be able to deal with having such a big responsibility, let alone be able to afford it.
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A
female
reader, Miss.Knowitall  +, writes (31 January 2011):
 Ok. So i know you say you can handle everything. And I am going to tell you this I am 17 and feel the same way. I know that if I was able to have a baby mentally I'd be able to take care of it. I LOVE kids so much, I am making a career out of it. But another thing I know is no matter if I am mentally ready, and in my heart old enough to have a baby I know I'm not.You are still young. I know that right this moment you love each other. But you both have so much room to grow, what if you grow apart? I am going to use my cousin for example (not saying this is how it will turn out) But her bf was the one she thought she was going to be with for ever. They had it all set out they were going to move in together when she finished collage. They had been together for 4 years when she found out that for a year he had been cheating on her. My best friend thought she was ready too. We all thought she was. He bf wanted a baby just as bad. She was wrong she couldn't handle it. She ended up giving the baby up for adoption after having to constantly fight depression. Now those are just things I have seen happen. But there are facts when year are pregnant you are going to end up missing alot of school. No matter how well you deal it will be hard for you to take care of the baby and finish collage and highschool. You baby is more likely to grow up and become a teen parent. Now think can you both openly tell you parents that you both want a baby? will both sets of parents be supportive? How about take the right step. Finish your education get a good job. Get married. Then when you can securely support your baby. Then have one. I'm not saying wait till your 30. But please not 16.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): well first of all, it is young but im young myself and i really do understand where you are coming from, i have a friend, she got pregnant when she was in school too, her and her boyfriend, she decided to keep it and went through her last 6-7 of school pregnant she completed her education and everything and now they have a son, they're really happy and great parents, and they still get to have a social life, but they'd rather be at home with their baby, and from the sounds of it this is the type of parents you would be, but i do have to say you really need to think of it because i also have a friend who was in a rs, and she got pregnant, the boyfriend left her and now she lives with her mum as a single mother she is amazing at it, but its not as easy as everything seems to be, cn you handle the late nights? sometimes it could put a little strain on the relationship, you seriously need to think if this is truly what you want to do, i cant say no dont its a terrible idea you too young bla bla because i completely understand you, but i just think that you should do whatever makes you happy, and make sure that it is what you truly want, and also what do your parents think about it? have you spoke to them if not then i think you should, just to see how everyone would react, i hope this helped somewhat? and i wish you the best of luck!
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (31 January 2011):
 Hi sweetheart,
I'm not currently 16, and I'm not a teen mom. I'm not even a mom! I'm a twentysomething. BUT, I am a twentysomething that completely understands what this feels like. My maternal drive started kicking in full-time around 16 too.
Here's the thing - it's not all about money and whether or not you have time or can handle it. You are 16 and the world is your oyster right now. For the REST OF YOUR LIFE it will be about your kids. You DESERVE time when it is just about you, your growth, independence and adventuring. After the baby, you will lose so many opportunities for spontaneous adventure, for dating and hanging out, for seizing any opportunity you want! I don't doubt you'd be a great Mom. But first you need to be an awesome You.
When I was 16, I wanted a baby sososososososo bad. So, what I did was I purchased a big plastic bin and started filling it up with baby stuff. What's the most fun about a baby?? Super cute baby things. My maternal drive shoots up a billion points the second I get around those cute little onsies and tiny shoes, pacifiers, all those fuzzy stuffed animals and ittybitty hats. So, I started buying that stuff and throwing it into my box. Whenever I really wanted a baby, I'd go out and buy a bib, a pair of footie pajamas or a box of diapers and I'd throw it in the box. It's not like you won't use them down the line!! In fact, you'll be totally grateful that past you was getting prepared! You can even start up a savings account for the baby's college money.
Also, why not start a journal for your future child? You can write about your life experiences, advice for them (eventually they'll be 16 too), you can tell them how much you already love them, think of baby names, etc. It will be a gift that your kid will cherish forever in the future.
When you are a Mom, you will look at your 16 year old and wish them a huge future with endless possibilities. You will want them to experience life for themselves and take the time to grow up. Well, lead by example!! You only get to be a teenager once and then you spend the rest of your life kind of missing the freedom. Don't cut your time off! It would just be a bummer that you missed out.
I think you'll be an awesome Mom. I just think you need to enjoy your life and independence first. Take advantage of being able to say, "hey, you know what? I feel like going bowling, out to dinner and then on a road trip tonight". Once there's babies, forget that kind of fun. Fill your days with education and fun. Relax, sweet thing! Enjoy that you only have responsibilities to yourself right now.
Good luck!
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