A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my partner for 15 years. We have lived together for 10 years. We have a young family and life is good, apart from one major thing.He will not make any form of commitment to me. We could afford to purchase a house but he won't. We are not engaged. I would like to get married but he will not marry me.His parents separated when he was younger. He says he will never marry because of the pain it caused him when his parents separated. He has a brother and sister and they are both happily married.I always thought that eventually we would marry. It didn't bother me before we had the twins (now 3 years old) but it now bothers me a lot. I am on the verge of leaving him because I don't think I can remain in a relationship without any commitment. Our children have his surname. Something I now bitterly regret. We talked about marriage before having children and it was something we planned for the future. However since we have had children he has told me he will not and never intended to marry me. He wanted our children to have his surname hence suggesting marriage but says he is adamant it is no longer an option.Advice please. I am very torn. I don't want to leave because I want the children to grow up with their Dad. He is a good dad. However the lack of commitment is tearing me apart. I wear a ring on my left hand because I am embarassed to admit to being effectively single. I hate telling people I have a different surname to my children. Strange thing being if I leave and am single I don't mind telling people I am single. I think I am ashamed that he doesn't think I am good enough to marry.Help please....
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female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (30 November 2009):
 I am very disturbed by this:"We talked about marriage before having children and it was something we planned for the future. However since we have had children he has told me he will not and never intended to marry me. He wanted our children to have his surname hence suggesting marriage but says he is adamant it is no longer an option."Basically he deceived you and waved what you wanted in your face in order to get what he wanted, then he took it back. That's really hurtful of him and if he never intended to marry you he shouldn't have lied to you and gotten your hopes up. I am so sorry this happened to you.For me, that would be a deal breaker. I couldn't be with someone who would do that to me. I can't say if it is for you, you will have to weigh the options and figure it out for yourself.Perhaps it will be best if you take a break from him for a while and see how it feels. Hopefully you will find the answer that works for you.Good luck.
A
female
reader, straight to the truth +, writes (29 November 2009):
he has made a commitment to you in the sese that you are his life partner and I assume he has no other women so that is his commeitment to you, you have a family together and have lived together for 10 years and been together for 15 years! that is a lot of commitment and you are not effectively single.I have to admit i would not go through life without marriage and that is why I had this conversation with my current partner after just 1 yr as i knew it was not on his list of priorities however he has now said he will want to get married and we now have a time scale for marriage and children etc. you must think that if he said that to you at the begining then he was probably thinking you would come round and accept it as much as you were thinking he will come round and propose to me. I think if you love this man then isn't that more important than a ring on your finger? you can also change your name to match his without the marriage so that it is the same as your childrens. A child should take its fathers name as that is just how things are done, even if you choose to break up then it makes no difference as to whos name the children have as he will still be their father and act as so. The sad thing is he doesn't want to marry because a divorce would be messy and tore him apart however that will be exactly the same even if your not married. you have been together so long you will both have pretty much the same rights as a married couple anyway.i think you should decide if you life partner who is the father of your children and the man you love is more important than a ring or not.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (29 November 2009):
Whatever happened to him as a child has caused him a lot of hurt. I will tell you now that a man who says he doesn't want to commit won't. He has said he won't marry, and that means he won't. I'm sure you don't want your kids to grow up without a father, and I'm sure he's great. But if it's marriage you want from a man, you need to move on, because he won't change. now you need to sit down and carefully weigh up whether the idea of marriage means enough for you to split. Bear in mind that he is with you, so he has committed to a certain extent. Think very carefully.
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