A
female
age
51-59,
*affron45
writes:Hi everyoneI have been on this site before and had some lovely replies.My partner who I loved deeply end our relationship just over a year ago. I was totally devastated. (we are both mid forties).Then 6 months after the split we started texting and then met up and I've done this all through this year. We'd just go to the park and for a meal and we would have a really lovely time. However, after each meet up, I would feel really sad afterwards and I was always hoping for a reconciliation. He doesn't want this and just wants to be friends. This is killing me inside and I KNOW I need to cut all contact and tell him not to text or call me. I know he would do this if i told him to but I'm just so scared to do this. I still love him so much. I've tried dating other men but it's unfair on them as I still love my ex. Should I still be feeling so heartboken after 15 months.I know I will be coming across as weak and silly but I'm not that type of person I just cannot seem to get over this man. Any advice would really be appreciated. Thank you for reading this.Saffron.
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female
reader, saffron45 +, writes (5 December 2012):
saffron45 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your honest replies and I know you are all right. I'm torturing myself by carrying on seeing my ex and hoping for something that will never happen.
I've made the decision to tell him that I can't be part of his life anymore because I simply love him too much just to be friends. I know things will get even worse for me but at least maybe I can begin to heal. I know I can't carry on like this. It's just soul destroying.
I can't bring myself to do it before Christmas but by the time this year is finished, I'll have told him.
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (3 December 2012):
 Hi
Its as bad as sticking pins in your eyes, why on earth put yourself through this pain. One day he will meet somebody else and you can guarantee she will not approve of his meetings with you.She will just know how you feel.
You really need to cut him out of your life completely, you can't be friends with him because your in love with him.He on the other hand is fine because you can spend time together and you dont hold a grudge,your just a friend to him.
If you know he will cut contact if you ask,then do just that,tell him its time for you to let go and move on with your life,without him.
Ofcourse it will be hard but many of us have been there and survived, found love again and a new life.You can do it.But not till you let him go and start healing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): I say cut all contact with him because by him wanting to be friend with you, texting, going to the park, this is his way of healing and getting over you slowly so make yourself feel good knowing he's trying to contact you, when he call or text you just look at his number, don't read it, delete and lay the phone down and do not open the door, this will give you the upper hand because now he doesn't know what you're thinking or who you're seeing and now he's wondering what the heck is going on with her.
Whenever you start to think of him, take a ride and listen to some music and you will feel a lot better when you get back to the house and sleep better also, believe it or not but if you take a walk everyday with a friend, ipod or radio you will see a change in your life. I feel very bad for you after 15 months you're still in the same rut.
You've got to move on!!!!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): I know it isn't easy. I am in the same boat. For me, he is with someone else now and I foolishly stuck around while he moved on. Sure, he wanted to be friends. No skin off his nose. Nice ego boost for him I am sure. I guess I kept hoping. I saw his words and actions as always more than they really were. Each time after I saw him I would be heartbroken and disappointed because I was hoping he would tell me how he feels about me, that he really cared about me, that she was a mistake and that he didn't want to be with her anymore. But that never happened. I kept living in this fantasy and I was only fooling myself. I was hurting myself and eventually I realized I don't want to hurt myself anymore. I love myself too much and I do not need to be going through this.I told him I am no longer going to be in his life. He doesn't believe me because he thinks I will go back to him like I have done before. But I am dead serious this time. Because this time I feel too much pain to be around him. All he does is remind me of what could never be. Every time I see him I see him with another woman. I picture him making love to her, cuddling with her, taking her out to dinner, sharing intimate moments, and these thoughts tear my heart apart. I cannot continue doing this to myself. How much hurt can I put myself through? I do not deserve this pain. And then I start to resent him. I start to hate him. And this is not healthy.If he really loved me, he would step up. But he has not. And neither has your ex. I am afraid he never will. Believe me when he does find someone else, it will be a torture you will not be able to take. It is better to walk away now with your dignity and some peace of mind. You will be fine. Don't be afraid to move on or to love yourself. It is better to be alone than to try and get the scraps of somebody's attention. You know you want more than a friendship. That means you can never be friends with your ex on a platonic level. Your feelings are involved and this will not change. You are only hitting your head against a wall over and over again. There is no sense putting yourself in a no win situation.You do need to heal. You cannot heal with him in your life. He will always say or do something to keep you hanging on, even if he does not mean to. This is how you will read it because you desperately want to be with him. The only way to kill all hope is to remove yourself from the situation.I cried and cried many nights, sometimes uncontrollably. I cried so much that I hurt physically. I cried while I was working, out shopping, around total strangers. I felt as if the world had ended. It was severe, gut wrenching pain that I went through because I finally accepted that it was over and I gave myself permission to grieve. You are grieving because it is the loss of a person who meant something in your life and then suddenly they are gone. I am still grieving and I have my bad days but at least now I am starting to have a few good days in between. Don't be afraid of the pain and loneliness. It is part of the grieving and healing process. And it will take time. You are stronger than you know. You will get over him. And someday you will find a man who truly loves you and sees the beauty in you.I was afraid to let go too. It was because I did not want to go through the withdrawal of the good feelings he gave me, at least when I convinced myself he was going to change. So I thought that holding onto the fantasy was going to make me happy. But it will not. Once you give yourself permission to accept that it is over, you will have to go through a lot of pain. But as long as you hold on and convince yourself that he will want to be with you, you are going to make the pain even worse. But things will get better. Don't be afraid to grieve. It is the only way you can heal yourself. He is not the one.Good luck. I promise you the sun will shine again but you cannot be afraid to let go and move on. Sadly this is what you need to do for yourself because you know deep down that you deserve better.Acceptance is the first step and then you can begin healing.Take Care...xx
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female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (3 December 2012):
 I tried doing this once what you are doing now, and its a road to nothing but heartbreak. As long as you keep this man close in your life, you are going to hurt. Letting go really does mean letting go. Look at it like this...how long do you want to keep hurting? All of your life? If not, then you need to face the fact that things are over, cry, and then shut him out of your life. I don't mean close the door and then open it back up a little, I mean close the door, lock it, and throw it away. Otherwise, you are never going to heal. You have a wound and you keep picking at it. How can it heal?? Do yourself a favor...let him go. OH yes its going to hurt, but I promise that in time you will realize that you deserve to be happy, and that you can be happy. The way you are now, you will never be happy. Not a nice prospect, is it? Love yourself sweetie..love yourself enough to let things end, heal and be able to laugh and smile again. Stop hanging on to what is gone, stop living in the past and start living in the present and look to the future. Its there, you just have to be open to it. I wish you all the best. You do have the strength to do this, you really do but you've got to really try. Have faith in yourself!
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female
reader, Sabe +, writes (2 December 2012):
That sounds like a really difficult place to be, I'm so sorry you feel you're stuck feeling like that.
Does he know how you feel? Perhaps if you explain what happens after every meeting and tell him you think it's best to make a clean break, having his support and hearing what he has to say about this will help give you some closure. It is a long time since you broke up but it doesn't sound like you've had enough time without him.
You say you feel scared to let go completely. Maybe you could tell a close friend what's going on so you have someone who understands there for you when you start to feel scared or lonely.
I hope this helps. You won't feel like this forever I promise!
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (2 December 2012):
 I think I remember that people here before told you to go cold turkey, but obviously you haven't and now it's hurting you immensely.
Truth is that there is no magic wand or secret potion, no words of wisdom or alternate universe in which you will get your wish to have a romantic relationship again with this man...he has successfully relegated you to the friends zone and you have shown him that you are prepared to act like a friend and that he can be absolved of any guilt...how fabulous for him.
You, however feel like you've been elbowed in the nuts, everytime you part from him because you cannot face the inevitable...He's eventually going to meet someone, fall in love and move on and your 'friendship' will be a distant memory to him and he will walk away without a second glance...
That's when you REALLY become distraught and your frustration will lead you to create drama and say just about anything to get his attention...then you will become an annoyance, then an embarrassment and then he will tell you to your face (or get his new girlfriend to say)'piss off and leave us alone'...
OK I am glimpsing into the future of desperation, fortunately you haven't reached that bit yet but you are most definitely on the path.
All the time you see this guy, you won't ever get over him...it's impossible to do, because he will constantly be a reminder of what you no longer have.
Smashing yourselve repeatedly in the face with a bat has a similar effect.
You ask 'Should I be feeling so heartbroken after 15 months?'
The answer is YES because you have not allowed yourself time to heal.
Next it will be:
Should I be feeling so heartbroken after 3 years?...then 5 years, then 10 years and before you know it your life will have been spent pining for a man who doesn't want you and has no intention of having a relationship with you again'
Your next question will be 'If he doesn't want to be with me, why does he still want to be friends'
Sadly there is only a couple of answers to that one:
Because it lets him off the guilt hook and you are a good time filler for when he doesn't have anyone else to hang out with...and it never does a guys ego any harm when he knows some or other female is still carrying a candle for him (whether he wants her or not)
I am sorry that you are still going through this...If I was sitting beside you, I'd be giving you a real life kick up the butt, but this essay I have written will have to do for now.
Now how bout some of that cold turkey?
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