A
male
age
51-59,
*iFreq
writes:Hello.I've been with my partner for 14 years and it has been fantastic. We both met after having broken hearts and have become each others soul mate, best friend, etc. We always say that we were brought together by fate. We have rarely argued and almost know what the other is thinking.Recently, my partner started drinking a little more than usual, blaming a recent change in her job as the cause. To cut a long story short, we had a tiff and we sat down to talk. She was in floods of tears and said that she wished we had just stayed as friends, as she was bisexual, (not a major surprise), and was confused She said that she wanted me in her life and didn't want to hurt me, but was suffering from an equal urge to seek a relationship with another woman. She feels really bad that she wants me here, but doesn't know if she wants to continue our relationship as it is. She feels that she wants me, but wants something else aswell and the two are not compatible. I'm totally lost. I don't know where I stand or what is going to happen - I love her so much I can't even begin to say. I worship the ground she hasn't even walked on yet. She is deeply depressed and i fear for the both of us. I just don't know what is going on and want my princess back. What do we do and where do we begin?Thanks.
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male
reader, HiFreq +, writes (29 September 2009):
HiFreq is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust wanted to thank you all for your thoughts. I'm sure we'll survive this, even if the relationship doesn't. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm not religious, but if you have a god; may they bless you all.
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (29 September 2009):
 This is indeed a sad situation for you. I know what it's like to dedicate your heart and devote yourself to someone you love so dearly, and find out that she has doubts.
Thankfully, though, you've shared honesty as well as 14 years of life together.
I think truly the thing you want to do with her is to try and get her to stop drinking. The alcohol is really terrible and it changes people, unfortunately for the worse.
I can understand if she's bi-sexual. And she may in fact be attracted to someone and you don't know yet.
But I have to say also, that it seems she still loves you. And, if the liquor is out of the way, she won't be as depressed as she is now.
Frankly, though, she may find that its much harder to get involved in a relationship with another woman, even if you step out of her life completely.
However, it seems also that she trusts you so deeply and loves you so much that she has had no problem telling you these things, even knowing that it hurts you so much.
This is a situation where she probably senses that you would not tolerate her having a relationship with you and another woman; and so she feels she needs to end it with you to try and find love some other way.
Does this mean she loves you less? Probably not. But her confusion may be short-lived and if you're patient, and if you love her enough; then you will have to find a way to forgive her in your heart and if necessary, let her go.
Sadly, this may not be what she truly wants. In fact, this may be the exact opposite of what she wants. If so, then there's a chance you can continue on as a couple.
Unfortunately though, this is one of those things in life where you have no choice, no control over the matter; and sadly it leaves you depressed as well.
No one reading this post can sit back and honestly feel anything but empathy for your situation here. The loss is staggering and so you are suffering greatly.
If this continues, try letting yourself grieve. Try not to be angry with her or anyone else, try and be good to each other, despite what's happened.
What you've written, I think she means well towards you and is hurting too.
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A
female
reader, Helples +, writes (28 September 2009):
 I honestly think you two should talk more about this before calling it off. She's your world, clearly. And she still cares for you very much since she had the decency in telling you instead of cheating on you. Find out if this is just a temporary lust, how long this "urge" has been going on. Make her see that you're a keeper. =]
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A
male
reader, HiFreq +, writes (28 September 2009):
HiFreq is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo; she is NOT a phoney and no, she hasn't pretended - I knew what her tendencies were when we met. I'm hurting because she has had the courage to tell me that she no longer feels that this relationship is enough. Please don't go telling me that the person I have dedictaed my life to for 14 years has been lying to me? I really don't need that, right now and know that is not the case. I'm kind of looking for constructive advice, not providing a catalyst for people to vent their anger.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2009): I'm not really the type to answer to these things. Actually, i've never done it before.
If you have been in a relationship for more 10 years I reckon you know all the little things. What she is expressing is a sign of boredom. Not caus of you, everyone gets bored of reading the same book forever. There really isn't anything you can do about it. If you suddenly become all active and buy her flowers, she will just distance even more.
I bet she has a lot of time thinking of this before she mentioned this to you. Women never say anything without truly thinking thru it.
My best advice is to accept her wish, and start to distance yourself to the whole thing. I know it might seem though, but once a idea like that is woken, then it will always be around, no matter what you do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2009): you have been in a committed relationship for 14 years AND NOW he confesses to being BI. what a phoney! you have every right to be angry and hurt. you invested 4 years in this relationship. don't waste a moment longer. you may love her and worship her, but you are not second best. she lied to you, in fact your 14 years have been one big lie. it is sad but you need to be rid of this woman. the sooner the better since she is not committed to you and your relationship. go out and find a straight woman who can become your soul mate. this woman obviously isn't.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (28 September 2009):
If she feels the need to have a relationship with another woman and can't give all of herself to you, then truthfully it's time to set her free and move on completely (no friends, no contact, no nothing). Yes, you love her and it will be very tough. But she isn't sure what she wants and to delay any break up would be to continue a relationship that is dying. Sit her down, ask her to be very honest with you about whether this needs to end. Don't be second best when there is a woman out there who can give all of her heart to you. Better to move on and find her. It won't be easy and you'll need to give yourself time, but please don't allow yourself to be second best. Lots of luck.
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