A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Just caught my 13 year old sexting with a girl in his class. They sent each other pictures of each other and everything. Not sure what his punishment should be. His phone was taken indefinitely. Not sure what else I should do. What do u all think? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, sebaslookingforward  +, writes (24 March 2011):
you did right. do not tell her parents
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2010): Thank you all for your responses to my question. I was worried that my approach was not severe enough. i did what most of you recommended: I took the phone, and had a long discussion with him about the very adult consequences of what he did. he was crying and said he felt sick to his stomach. I believe he was very sincere.
My remaining question is to those of you who recommend calling the girl's parents. In a perfect world, where we can trust our neighbors to have a reasonable response, this seems like a good idea. I am concerned for the welfare of the girl as well. However, with no idea how these parents will react, and living in a very religious and conservative area, I have serious concerns as to whether they would view this as a mistake by children - or whether their religious sensibilities would force them to label one of the kids as a criminal (my son) rather than to accept that their daughter was an equal and consensual participant. i am very reluctant to offer my son up at the mercy of someone i do not know, in light of the myriad of examples we have around us of people vindictively over-reacting, and the powers that be backing them ,under the justification that, "the law is the law". Sure, they may find out anyway, but why in my son's best intrest would I force the issue?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2010): 1. research sexting and talk to him man-man without yelling or lecturing him and let him ask questions and actually talk with him about what this could do to his future
2. remove texting from his phone
3. talk to the girl's parents
Abby 15
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male
reader, schacm  +, writes (9 December 2010):
you need to be firm as a parent and tell him what he did is inappropriate , potentially limit his access to the internet and definetely tell the girls parents
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2010): You should have a serious but gentle talk with him about the dangers of what he and his friend are doing. He crossed a line and needs to understand that he can't do that again. People think teens don't listen, but the truth is that some of what we tell them sinks in and comes out eventually.
But, in all, I think you have a very normal 13-year old son who's simply curious about sex and found a girl who is also curious about sex. This is the modern form of experimenting before the real thing. Just be glad it wasn't the "real" thing."
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2010): Have you told the girls parents??
I think you should cut Internet acres for him for a bit and maybe ground him.
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female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (9 December 2010):
 I have five children at home and three have phones. They have texting but no media capabilities. The oldest is 19, and pays his own bill, the other two are 17, and 13. When they get out on their own they can have whatever they want but not under my roof. The trouble their friends have gotten into has made them more than ok with our arrangement. A phone is a privilege and not a right. I agree with taking a hard line on this one... Tough love is called for. Good luck.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (9 December 2010):
 internet access has to be banned too. And straight home from school. No dropping into the internet cafe. Get him doing regular chores at home, without complaint. Make time for one on one info/discussion/counselling sessions with him so he can raise any subject he wants. React calmly what ever he raises. But don't give in to his cajoling, asking for his phone back. He thinks he knows best, but he hasn't the maturity to cope with the consequences of his actions yet. What you have done so far is great - teaching
him there are consequences for every action we choose to be a part of.
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female
reader, Princess Aunty  +, writes (9 December 2010):
Your punishment is actually to keep him away from any means that shall allow his to redo sexting.
Want to keep your child safe from sexting and its consequences? Here's how to help:
1. Communication is Key
Kids probably won't respond well if you ask them pointblank, “Are you sexting?” In fact, many may not even recognize the term. Instead of grilling your child, keep informed about what's going on generally, from crushes and relationships to friendships and bullying. Many small conversations will give you a much better idea of your child's social life than one big interrogation, and you child will be more apt to talk to you if she feels you're consistently on the level. If you learn that your child is dating or engaging in sexual behaviors, have a frank talk about sex and include the topic of sexting. If not, make sure to have a discussion about bullying that addresses the issue of using text messages to harass or humiliate others.
2. Be Real About Risks
Teens are neurologically disposed to be more impulsive and less rational than adults, which makes it all the more important that they know the dangers of sexting. Although it might not be an easy conversation, parents should communicate to teens that school-wide embarrassment, legal consequences, and viral distribution across the Internet are among the very real risks of this seemingly inconsequential behavior. Stopping to think twice may make all the difference if your teen is thinking of pressing “send” on something she might regret.
3. Emphasize Empathy
Sexting isn't a two-way street: it's more like a multi-lane highway. That means that kids who may not be sending sexts are receiving them, forwarding them to others, and contributing to a potentially malicious environment of gossip and harassment. Urge your child to think before forwarding sexually provocative images of himself? Using empathy may help your teen make the decision to press “delete” instead of saving or forwarding.
4. Teach 21st Century Responsibility
Kids who may be model citizens offline can make big mistakes online, so it's important to stress that responsible behavior extends to the world of email, text messaging, video chatting and social networking. Make sure that your child knows that anything posted online, or sent via cell phones or email, can be saved, shared, and virally disseminated across the Internet. That means that friends, enemies, strangers, teachers, parents and future employers could potentially see your images and videos.
Parents should see sexting not as an isolated trend, but as a new expression, fueled by technology, of the social and sexual experimentation that has always characterized adolescence. That means that the best way for parents to keep kids safe is still to send a message of their own, which emphasizes responsibility, explains the risks, and keeps the lines of communication open.
now i hope his help please rate if you like
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (9 December 2010):
Hmm I don't have any kids but when I was 13, I didn't have a cell phone and when I did get one (at 17) I certainly didn't have text messages; of course that was almost 10 years ago so texting wasn't big yet, but I survived without a cell phone. And I kind of think this is a no-brainer...ground him. You've already taken away the phone, take away his internet too because he can send more pictures that way (unless it's school related and it has to be monitored like no social networking sites or IM) and he can't go out an have fun for however long you see fit. Give him his phone back after you think he's earned it and get the texting turned off until you think he's earned it back.
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female
reader, Tbosse  +, writes (9 December 2010):
 Take the phone away.hes way too young to have a camera phone!
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (9 December 2010):
 You can show him these links.
http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/phillip-alpert-sexting-teen-child-porn/story?id=10252790
http://www.gadgetell.com/tech/comment/sexting-can-label-your-teen-a-sex-offender/
http://www.aclu-wa.org/blog/sexting-and-law-press-send-turn-teenagers-registered-sex-offenders
Explain to him in no uncertain terms that he could be registered as a sex offender for life if she ever decides to turn that info against him. That's not a risk anyone should take - leaving aside the moral and ethical issues completely (though if you have thoughts on those, tell him).
Keep his phone away, like you have. He can get his own when he's 18.
Really, at 13, I would say it's time to start transitioning from parent-imposed consequences to giving him a better understanding of real-world ones. He's becoming a man, treat him like one and he'll respond. Part of that, of course, means demanding he act responsibly like a man. If he doesn't want to, he can keep acting like a child, and being treated like one.
Just a suggestion. Never sexted, but that's the philosophy I was raised by. Good luck.
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female
reader, xanthic +, writes (9 December 2010):
 Take away his phone and cut off texting when/if he gets it back. All the advice here is very good, but unfortunately, most teens won't take contracts and honest talks seriously. Many will say whatever it takes to appease their parents and then go back to what they were doing. At that age, their sense of proper judgment isn't fully developed.The easiest way to keep this from happening again is by not giving him the means to do so. Why does your 13 year old have a camera phone, anyway? A phone is a privilege, too many parents give in to the wants of their children, and too many kids take it for granted because they feel entitled. This is why you'll see 11 year olds walking around with iPhones. If he really wants to be able to send texts and have a camera phone, he can pay for his own bill once he's 18.Right now, he should have a phone ONLY to call you and his friends, and for emergencies. No texting, no camera. Neither are necessary, if he wants to talk to his friends he can call them.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 December 2010):
 The phone being taken is an excellent start. He's shown that he's not mature enough to have one yet.
I don't know if "punishment" is the right motive here. The motive is to educate and correct the behavior so that it's never repeated, and he understands why it was not right in the first place.
So what is the downside to sexting? Well, the big one is that things on the internet don't go away. How many kids in the news have lost their lives to sexting when there's a breakup or someone steals the phone and posts the nude pics on Facebook and the internet? That stuff doesn't go away! How would he like someone he's trying to impress on a job interview to find an old naked picture of him as a teenager in a Google search??
Even moreso, he's putting himself (and even more the girl he was sexting with) at risk for sexual predators if those pictures again were to ever reach cyberspace. All it takes is one breakup and someone bragging or vindictive to make it happen.
Finally, and this is a huge one. What is he going to do with her sext nude pictures? Is she 13? Does he not realize that he (and you, as the owner of the cell phone and possibly the computer) can be criminally charged under child pornography laws? That can screw his life up.
His "correction" should directly involve being exposed to the downside of what sexting brings to the table. There was an older guy in the news who would somehow get ahold of underage girls' pictures and blackmail them to do sex acts or he would post those pictures. That guy is now serving 20 years in prison.
Finally, I know you're mad right now and feel like you don't want him to have his phone back until he's 35, but for practical reasons, I'm sure there will come a time when he will get his phone back. When that happens, have him sign a contract with you outlining rules and responsibilities for usage, as well as punishments for various activites on it (i.e. texting and driving, sexting, etc.).
Any other corrective action is up to you. There are plenty of ways to correct a 13 year old, and they can range from video game/Facebook privileges revoked, grounding, etc. Sexting is a serious thing, but it's one of those things that immature people don't get why it's serious. Educate him. Have the hard talk with him.
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female
reader, Nime +, writes (9 December 2010):
 I would not handle this delicately. If it was my son I'd get one of my male buddies to pose as a cop (or one who actually is a cop) and scare the living daylights out of my son by informing him that what he's doing is actually making and distributing child pornography and he can be prosecuted for it. Then I'd call the girl's parents and we'd arrange a meeting with both our kids to nicely explain to them why what they did was so wrong, and in doing so utterly humiliate them. THEN I'd take away my son's data package on his phone. I would also monitor all his accounts on our computers.
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female
reader, Mjfbla +, writes (9 December 2010):
 Well do they know they can go to jail? Have you tried telling the girls parents? Being too harsh wont get much done. I know if you have verizon you can check the messages being sent online(when the phone gets given back) you can also block it so he cant text after whatever time you chose. Idk what else you could do. Sorry.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2010): You should talk to him, one on one. Make it clear that there are dangers along with this decision, keep his phone for 3 weeks. Ask him if he would like it if these pictures were forwarded around the whole school. Scare the ?$%# out of him so it will not happen again, but for a couple months moniter his texting carefully.
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