A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Almost 20 years ago, I was in a relationship that was not good for me for a variety of reasons. I was very young and convinced that I could not do any better so I stayed. I began having an affair with my boyfriend’s married best friend. This was an off and on relationship that went on for about three years until the relationship with my boyfriend finally ended. In the 12 years between, I often wondered about my ex-lover but I did move on with my life. I met and married a wonderful man nine years ago. We are happy. We have no kids and we do everything together (shop, workout, travel). We have the same troubles a lot of couples do, finances, petty arguments, family issues, but above all else, we are friends and love each other. About 5 months ago, I received a friend request on a social networking site from my ex-lover. It took my breath away. I knew in my head that I should ignore the whole thing but I didn’t. I accepted it and within two weeks, we were right back where we left off. I don’t know what type of control this man has over me but I cannot seem to break it. We live a couple of hours apart but talk everyday via IM. This new relationship made me very happy in the beginning but over the past month or so that has changed. I alternate between telling myself that I love him and that I hate him. I can sit here now and wish I could go back and change things; that I would have ignored that friend request but I can’t undo the past. I honestly hate myself for letting this man back into my life, and for what this would do to my wonderful husband if he ever found out. I know I have to end this, I have to delete him from everything, but I just cannot find it within myself to do it. He can be a wonderful person, but he can be a jerk. The sex is great, but I crave the connection over the sex. He is still married and that will never change, not that I want to leave my husband either. I don’t have any friends I trust enough to tell about this so I can’t talk about it. I hold it in and some days when I am along I just curl up in a ball and cry. My husband can see that I am upset a lot of days but I just tell him that I am going thru an unexplainable bout of depression. He is worried about me which makes everything worse. Could someone out there please give me any advise, kick in the butt, anything to help me find the backbone to end this affair. I don’t ever want my husband to know about this.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2010): "My husband can see that I am upset a lot of days but I just tell him that I am going thru an unexplainable bout of depression." poor hb thinks there is something wrong with you and he is soooooooo concerned. what will he think when he finds out the real reason you are depressed. you just pieced that knife more deeper into your hb's heart.
"I don’t ever want my husband to know about this." keep opening your legs to your married lover and your hb will smell him on you. sadly i do not think you possess any moral fibre to end your affair. it is your dear hb who is going to pay for your heartless betrayal of your marriage. if you are honest with yourself you will admit that you care NOTHING about your hb therfore you are having sex with this other man. you seem to have no backbone when it comes to being faithful. WHY?? what did your hb ever deserve to find himself with a wife like you. don't you have any shame, any remorse that you have semen runnig down yourlegs, hastening to wipe off your lovers juices when you greet your hb. don't you have any remorse when you lie to your hb. don't you think that by continuing to have sex with your mm you are devoid of any sense of right and wrong. you have no guilt about this MMs wife and family. is it because you have chosen not to have kids yourself. i think that this is actually a blessing in disguise (not having kids with your hb).
you CANNOT love your hb if you are doing this to him. you are fooling yourself if you think you do. it is all about choices, and well, you have chosen. you are not a sad pathetic victim you are making yourself to be. you are a consenting cheating wife who has only herself to blame for this mess. stop being so selfish - tell your hb about your affair and allow him the freedom to move on. this is the only way. then you can have your mm all to yourself again. simple. no fuss. but you won't, will you. you will continue to lie and cheat and destroy your hb until here is nothing left. if you want to do one unselfish act then just leave your hb. he deserves honestly. he deserves fidelity. he deserves a faithful wife- and you have proven that you are not. i hope you one day realise just what you have done in your marriage and by then i hope you have not destroyed the very man you claim to "love". strange,isn't it, how we claim to love someone, but have no qualms about destroying the very person we claim to love.
posts like this actually make me lose faith in human kind. destroying so called loved ones just for carnal pleasure. choices, my dear woman, choices. no one is forcing you.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (4 January 2010):
Delete him, block him, never see him, think about him or speak to him again. You have a wonderful husband who will be devastated if he finds out, which is getting more and more likely by the day. So either pick your wonderful husband who loves you and to whom you're the most important thing in the world, or pick the married jerk who's just using you like he did before, and to whom you mean nothing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2010): Well 12 years later you have not learnt anything about honesty and integrity. You were in a relationship when you had the 1st affair, now you are married and have been having an affair. You have not changed AT ALL. You may be older but certainly not faithful! I think you will agree that you do not deserve your decent hb, in fact if you are honest at all you will acknowledge just how devoid of any morals you possess. Next time you spread those legs for your married lover, try picturing your innocent and faithful hb’s face. But knowing what you have written you will still continue. So do yourself and your hb a favour and release him. He doesn’t deserve a cheating scheming wife like you. He is honest and moral and he deserves better, oh, so much better. I think you have disrespected your hb too much already. You seem to like having affairs. In fact you have not changed any from 12 years ago. You are not powerless to do the right thing, you are not a victim. You knowingly and purposefully have cuckold your hb and your actions is not that of a woman who cares for her hb. In fact it is totally opposite. You need to address why you are so lacking in morals and honesty. The tried and testing saying, a leopard doesn’t change its spots has rung true with you. I feel the utmost sympathy for your hb and i think if you have any decent feelings for him, you will release him. Good men are hard to find and well, women are dying to find these rare gems.
As for your MM, well the less said of him the better, isn’t it??
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A
female
reader, curious26 +, writes (4 January 2010):
Stop talking to him! Seriously its not that hard. Your husband will find out sooner or later. Break it off. He's a married douChebag obviously he's not a good person. He's cheating your cheating!!!marriage is not something you take lightly. Stop talking to him plain n simple. If its that hard you can't you need to c a therapist.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (4 January 2010):
 If you are sincere about getting your marriage on track, de-friend this man, take his number out of your phone, cancel your IM account--do whatever it takes to make contact with him impossible. Put your big-girl panties on and stop acting like you're a victim in all of this: you CAN stop seeing this man if you truly want to. It won't hurt you to end this relationship, but it will hurt when your husband throws you out on your ass.
Once you end this affair, please talk to a counselor so you can find out why you are behaving in such a self-destructive manner. Your husband does not deserve this and you need to do everything in your power to make sure you never disrespect him this way again.
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