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*eynow1963
writes:how do i deal with the fact that my wife has been with 110 guys beffore me 107 all f buddys or one nighr stands and i know knew 20 of them? i feel like a fool. one guy did her in a bathroom at a party and never spoke to her.. Reply to this Question
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reader, heynow1963 +, writes (1 July 2011):
heynow1963 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLast post I think. I have been with her for 15 years, she has been loyal I am sure. However it will never change that many many men know she was easy, many who I still know. MEN, how would you feel knowing a bunch of guys have memories/info from exp that your wife was easy for them? When you see a women with a guy and you know she was an easy lay for you and your buddies even if it was a million years ago what comes to your mind? Wow, what a lucky guy? Does it mean she never did u in a bathroom, garage, or car? Don't you feel sorry for him? After all you and your buddies didn't want her for anything more than a f... I think it's a power trip for guys.. like aww, my old piece of ass finally found a guy who thinks he is special to her.. lucky fella. right. More like I rememember pounding her six ways to Sunday...did her doggy in a john once. Who the fuck would be dumb enough to think the dudes from her past respected her, u now, or forgot about what they did and dont think YOU look like a FOOL?? I feel like I look like a fool. Nice wife dude, did her all the time back in the day. Never dated her etc, just banged her. We all did. I feel embarased and I feel like shit for feeling that way. I love her and our child. I want to die. However if I was them I would never forget the things I did to her so I know they dont either.[Mod note: this question is now being closed. Please seek professional counseling for help with your situation.]
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2011): The guy who posted "The number is not important. Really, it is just a number." knows what he's talking about. None of us can make an actual diagnosis, but everything you've posted so far points to her having been a sex addict. Having sex with someone in a restroom at a is highly compulsive behavior. If she has not sought treatment for it, you will be in for a world of hurt if you stay with her.One thing that might help a bit is to realize that it was quite possibly a horrible time in her life. Once you get addicted to something, you keep going back to it even if you don't like it. I didn't fully realize this until I read a post by a guy on another internet site who had been with over 600 women. He hated his addiction, and he wanted to be in an exclusive relationship with a woman he loved. But, he couldn't do it because his addiction caused him to F up every relationship he'd ever had. He was in his mid 30s, and quite lonely from the tone of his posts. He said the sex was high quantity, but very low quality. For some reason, reading about another man's suffering brought on by his sex addiction helped me understand a little bit what it's like for a woman. It's easy for us men to think a woman who does that type of thing must have loved it, but the opposite is more likely to be true.You will also have to try to learn to deal with it, of course. Even if she does (or has) gotten treatment, that won't change the facts. I understand your feelings about other guys looking at your wife and that they must be thinking about what they did with her in the past. My fiance has been with quite a few guys, and several of them are in our social circle. I've had to learn to fight off those types of thoughts. If you don't, the thoughts will wear a rut of sorts in your mind, and you'll jump to these thoughts instantly given certain reminders. But, it's not easy, and I doubt that there's a complete solution. I've learned to accept the fact that, at least as of today, I have not been able to completely block these thoughts. To some extent it's just something you'll have to learn to live with if you choose to be in a relationship with a woman like this.This is going to sound cold, but to some extent it might help if you can think about your wife as she really is/was, and not try to idealize her in your mind. I'm not saying you should think about it constantly, just try to accept it as reality and move on. I have no way of knowing if you're doing this (idealizing your wife), of course. I'm pretty sure that part of the reason I obsessed over my fiance's past is because it was in such stark conflict with the idealized, perfect woman I'd hoped to find. I think that on a subconscious level I was trying to change the facts by thinking about them. I wanted her past to not be real, and I somehow thought (on a subconscious level) that thinking about it would "solve" the problem and make it go away so she'd be this perfect woman I had in my mind. If you can accept the reality of who she was and realize that thinking about it won't change anything, it might help you let it go in your mind. At some point, you may have to end the relationship and move on if you can't get a handle on it. There's not much point in two people suffering indefinitely. There is probably a significant percentage of the male population that could never be completely happy in a situation like yours, no matter how hard they try.The only thing I can add is something my mother told me many years ago: "Everyone is looking for the same thing; they just want to be loved". This includes you, and it includes your wife.This won't be easy. I wish you luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2011): well, i know a lot of guys certainly didin't respect her back in the day and i don't know why i care that they know my love used to be there easy lay. the proof is in the past right? they will always have those memories.
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reader, fishdish +, writes (5 June 2011):
 I understand that you feel humiliated that there is an extensive network of people who have sexual knowledge of your wife, but you should consider some of the suggestions we've laid out here.so people have 'been there and done that' but she has ended up with you and remained true to you for how long? somehow something about you has made her stop this pattern and shouldn't that matter? do you value her less as a person? as a wife? as a lover? as a companion? Identify where you feel played and focus on healing those. I'm an avid fan of counseling.
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reader, heynow1963 +, writes (3 June 2011):
heynow1963 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess it never happened then and it is erased from "their" respective memory's. They don't know they had her so easy and I should feel proud. I should feel normal around them and I am sure it NEVER crosses their minds my wife was easy and she gave it so easy to them. I feel like a fool.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): I also feel like I look like a fool....so many dudes have been there done that. Oh, I have her now...guess what they already did and didn't want her. Many men have had her beautiful body..she gave it easily and that will never change. I feel so proud. And really, I am not a jerk, just cant wrap my head around it. I hate knowing so and so did her in a bathroom bar etc back in the day. Oh, it was a long time ago...then I guess it is autmatically erased from their respective memorys and it never happened!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): Was she keeping a journal? How is it possible to remember so many sexual partners? Poor girl, she probably had some history of sex abuse. And now she has a husband who is discusted with her. Poor poor girl. Get over it man, she is your wife, she loves you. She told you this only because she is reaching out, she wants compassion. Be a friend, and a good soul.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2011): No you are not wrong, I would feel the same way... and rather jealous (in more ways than one) to tell you the truth.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2011): The number is not important. Really, it is just a number.
The important issue is what lies beneath that number.
The other important issue is what that number and that history can do to her in her current relationship, whether you know the number or not.
Finally, who and what are you to her, deep down inside?
The number is high, but common in those who have a history of child abuse, incest, sex abuse, neglect, abandonment, alcoholism or drug addiction (including prescription drugs), bipolar disorder and various other problems.
People who have this history have serious self esteem issues usually (probably always), and have the inability to maintain long term relationships. They also frequently have an inability to enter into a relationship in any other way but sex, having had sexual trauma in their past and family of origin issues that have messed up their understanding of what a 'normal' relationship is.
Almost all of them have a history of rape, even if they deny it at first. However, a detailed history of their past reveals the rapes and other issues as they become comfortable talking.
They cannot talk to anyone about it, frequently have never told anyone their true life story. This is because of deep rooted shame, fear, self loathing, and fear of abandonment. They feel worthless.
Specifically, they believe (to a near delusional state) that anyone who really knows them will leave them.
So, your wife has talked to you. This means that she trusts you, and is willing to take a chance. She has certainly not told you everything, and the true number may be less or more than 110. It is rather unusual to know the exact number at those levels.
Since she is talking to you, she may be asking for help, and not know how to go about it, and the best thing to do may be to go to a couples counselor (a good one - your first one may not be the one to work and you may need to try a couple of them before you find one who works).
"having been so enjoyed by so many others"
It's probably not that simple. They may have fucked her, but they didn't get to know her at any level and she probably didn't enjoy it all that much either.
So, who does she come back to? You.
Week after week, month after month, year after year, time after time. You.
Who is important in her life? You.
My wife's numbers dwarf your wife's numbers. I've had a hundred times fewer sexual partners than my wife has...and my number is more than 1. I know a lot about all this crap that I mention above, and I work in a profession that deals with this as well.
Yet, my wife is not my work (I didn't meet her at work either). She is the person that I love. Who is #1 in her life? Me. Who is it that she loves? Me. Who has made love to her more than anyone else in her life? Me. Who has she come back to day after day, month after month, year after year, decade after decade? Me. Who knows her better than any living human? Me.
Who brings tears to her eyes when she thinks of losing him to death or disease (and that shit really happens, I've been hospitalized twice since we married two decades ago and had major surgery once and then I was randomly and unprovoked attacked by a man with a knife a few weeks ago, bleeding and bruised I fought this guy off and chased him till he was arrested and my wife had to come pick me up after the attack and take me to the emergency room I've had not a single nightmare after my close call)? Me.
Who has the nightmares about losing me? She does.
I can tell you that all the men before me cannot hold a candle to me in her life.
If you love her, go to counseling with her, let her know how much she means and that nothing before makes any difference in that love and affection.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2011): I haven't ever been married or even been in a relationship, so I can't speak from experience in that regard. But I can tell you what I would do if I were in your shoes: I would count myself extremely lucky just to be with someone, especially if she is beautiful, as you say she is, and if she loves you. There are people out there that are not so fortunate to have found that kind of happiness. I personally have been alone all my life, and I believe I always will be. But if I had someone who loved me and could make me happy, I would forgive her for anything she's done in the past, and I would focus on the present. Any time I see someone in a relationship who is suffering of jealousy (or whatever you want to call it) like you are, I just wish they could spend a little bit of time in my shoes, because I am convinced that would cure them of it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): i ealy didn't know till after we were married. i just cant burn the image of my beautiful wife having been so enjoyed by so many others..esprcially when i get i bed and realize so many before me have been there...i am wrong fot these feelings?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): You didn't know this before you married her? If you did how can it be a problem now?
So she's slept with over a guys - really, who cares? I really don't think that's any one else business if I'm honest.
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reader, fishdish +, writes (30 May 2011):
That's pretty appalling...but do you love her? do you want her in your life? does she regret the past or show any indication that she ever wants to go down that road again? it's important you focus on the present and the future, because you can't change her past.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): I am the first male anon again. A few more things:
If she told you about this when you first started dating before you married her, or her past was never talked about, then IMO it's your problem to accept it now. You could have avoided the situation then and you didn't.
If she misled you about her past until you were already in a serious relationship with her, then it's not your problem to accept anything. You were tricked into a relationship with someone whose values conflict with yours. You were deprived of the right to avoid the situation that you are now in.
It makes no difference how you "should" feel about this. (Who else has the right to decide how you should feel about something?) You have the right to your own values and feelings and you have the right to choose to marry someone who is compatible with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): wow 110 guys,are you sure about this who was counting and for what reason may i ask?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): Marriage counseling OP, it's pretty much the only way.
There's nothing you can do to accept it but it will fade in time, just stop getting details, don't ask and don't let her tell you either.
I've been in your shoes and my head was so wrecked that I wanted to know the details because I thought it would help, it doesn't. Knowing the details just plays like a movie in your head over and over.
After being there I can tell you, I never ask a girl about her sexual history anymore, I tell her straight in the beginning I don't want to know and even if I ask when drunk not to tell me. I certainly don't want the details, they can talk about that stuff with their girl friends, I'm not the person to discuss those things with.
No more questions about it OP, don't discuss it with her anymore, you have enough information now to try and come to terms with. When I had to deal with it the only way was for me to leave that person, it just wasn't fair for me to be with her anymore because I saw her differently and thought of her in a negative way. I could not let those feelings get the best of me to the point where I would treat her badly and I could feel that was becoming the case. Because sex with her became devalued to me after that, she became just a meat puppet because in my mind she had degraded her body to that level by letting so many guys use her that way.
I don't date promiscuous girls or girls with a high number of sex partners in the past, so I do make sure I know them first. My city is quite small everyone knows everyone, and when you start dating someone you usually get told by other people whether they have a rep or not. It's very hypocritical seeing as I have a very high number of past sex partners too but that's just not the kind of girl my mind can actually deal with dating, girls who use their bodies that way just have a tendency to mean less to me, they lose that thing that makes them special to me and I just can't get my mind to think that sex with me is worth anything to girl a like that seeing as any asshole could have her whenever they wanted.
Unfortunately that to me is a deal breaker but I have that luxury and my current girl was a virgin when we started dating.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 May 2011):
 How did you manage to have a problem with it yet marry her? Was it not a problem in the past? Can you remember why it was not a problem for you in the past? And what about it specifically is it that is a problem to you now? Does it impact your relationship in any way, other than you just thinking about it, and clearly having a problem with it?
If you can't deal with this, then maybe you shouldn't be married to her. What is more important to you, keeping the vows of marriage and stay with her and work on it (that means you do the work as you're the one with the problem), or should you file for divorce?
Again, I can not understand why you married her? If you can't accept her for who she is.. why marry her?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): i find your question a little strange as you state your age as 41-50,i can only presume that you have been with your wife some time? This would indicate that there is a level of trust between you but clearly there isnt. To be honest im a firm believer that someones sexual past is exactly that,their past. Frankly,i also think its none of your business and you need to get over it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): Wow. With a number that huge, circumstances that slutty, I don't think there is any room left for half-measures. I think either you just completely deal with it or you don't.
If you can't deal with it then don't bullshit yourself trying for years. Just tell her the truth and break up with her as respectably as you can. She deserves to be respected by her partner. You deserve the self-respect of being with someone whose moral choices don't disgust you. If it can't work then it can't work.
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