A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Guys i am in a desperate need for some help.About myself in general....I am a 30 year old asian married woman with a child. I have been married for good 10 yrs now....i was married early (arranged marriage due to our culture). My husband is a very good man, gentle, caring and a very good provider indeed....only one problem that i am not in love with him. Right from the very beginning of my marriage i couldn't give myself sexually to my husband. I can probably count the number of times we have had sex in 8 years....not once we made love....i guess that would never happen cos of the obvious factors. Since recent years people have told me I am getting more and more attractive....and hence perhaps i do notice getting a lot of male attention than I ever did before. I see other couples in love....holding hands...talking about getting lucky at night....and i wish to myself...wish i could do the same with a man that i was in love with. I guess it does not help if a GOOD man is giving you an eye or some ATTENTION...as I already feel frustrated inside.....divorce is not an option in my culture.Nonethless...so far...i have rejected attention from couple of GOOD men recently as there is no point. Recently though i happen to meet yet another interesting man (same age) accidentally on line....with no intentions whatsoever to get involved. Just so typical as it may sound.. it started of well as friends....talking about anything and everything...started chatting regularly....he would wait for me to come on line desperately....would accomodate me in every possible way..flirted a little...although i would always stop him after a limit..we bonded emotionally...it was so easy to communicate with him etc etc. We have exchanged decent pictures of each other and have spoken over the phone...couple of times but only say 5 mins on happy occassions...to get the feel of each other's voice.Apart from all the goodie goodie side we have also had some bad arguments....but then we would go back to missing each other. Although, he has had a wild past he never cheated on anyone or so as he says whereas i have only been with my husband. At this stage...i am not curious about other men or anything....i am just craving for love, affection and deep bonding.....and yes Love Making that i have never done in my 30 yrs. I always felt safe with the fact that he was an on line friend....absolutely harmless...and so forth...or so my brain was saying that. So far i never crossed limits with him except the fact he has been my on line friend with a long distance between us....but now coincidentally it may sound he is coming over to my country...was obviously wanting to meet me even if it was with my family as he is well aware how conservative I am and the situation I am in. He has confessed he has feelings for me...and every time he mentions that I basically freak out...not cos i don't like him but cos I worry I might slip myself...the reality of morals, marriage and committments kicks in....and puts me back into my shell.I was so confused what to do...i ended up taking drastic action....by cutting all the contacts with him...explaining to him what this might lead to.Although, I feel this was a right step for everyone...as its not good for him either...to get involved with a married woman with no future. I must admit he has never demanded anything from me. He was quite happy just to keep in touch with me over the phone.....but i still freaked out. Now obvious at it sounds...now I am terribly missing him...and half wondering did i react too much or was i heading towards an affair...even though i haven't even seen him.Sorry if its too long....would really appreciate some older men/women perspective.....many thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2009): hi, I wrote you the oh, so long post. glad i was able to help you out a bit.does your hubby know how you are feeling, does he know that he is falling short in the bedroom area. you need to discreetly tell him. they say many a wise/ true word is spoken in jest. so playfully, tell him, make him take notice of your choice words.you are young, 30 and in your prime. yes, you want to feel this overwhelming love/lust/desire/ tingling toes sensation but at what cots. one day you have to decide whether to give up your husband in order to find this that you so desperately need. Check out the concepts "disengage" and "release" in other posts. Sadly if you are feeling this dis satisfied with hubby, you need to release him, so that he can get on with his life. You don't want to be selfish, if you so desire another person, then you need to be bold enough to cross the cultural stigma attached to divorce. I have learnt so much from other agony aunts who give valuable insights into life and the problems facing others. I just don't read them, i actually try to put them into action. Good luck, i trust one day you will be brave enough, to persue your happiness. However not at the cost of your husband. You need to be fair and just and morally sound. I trust that you are therefore you are seeking some assistance. COMPANIONSHIP...COMPATIBILITY....TOGETHERNESS - maybe if he is lacking in these areas, you need to teach him, yes teach him. it will be hard because i am sure he (and you) may be set in your ways. but you can try. at least you can say you did not leave any stone unturned in your quest to make your marriage work.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2009): hi, I wrote you the oh, so long post. glad i was able to help you out a bit.does your hubby know how you are feeling, does he know that he is falling short in the bedroom area. you need to discreetly tell him. they say many a wise/ true word is spoken in jest. so playfully, tell him, make him take notice of your choice words.you are young, 30 and in your prime. yes, you want to feel this overwhelming love/lust/desire/ tingling toes sensation but at what cots. one day you have to decide whether to give up your husband in order to find this that you so desperately need. Check out the concepts "disengage" and "release" in other posts. Sadly if you are feeling this dis satisfied with hubby, you need to release him, so that he can get on with his life. You don't want to be selfish, if you so desire another person, then you need to be bold enough to cross the cultural stigma attached to divorce. I have learnt so much from other agony aunts who give valuable insights into life and the problems facing others. I just don't read them, i actually try to put them into action. Good luck, i trust one day you will be brave enough, to persue your happiness. However not at the cost of your husband. You need to be fair and just and morally sound. I trust that you are therefore you are seeking some assistance. COMPANIONSHIP...COMPATIBILITY....TOGETHERNESS - maybe if he is lacking in these areas, you need to teach him, yes teach him. it will be hard because i am sure he (and you) may be set in your ways. but you can try. at least you can say you did not leave any stone unturned in your quest to make your marriage work.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2009): I am the original poster,
Thank you all so much....uncle phil, wonderingcat, and the two dear anon females...you all have touched some valid points here...especially the anon female with the long post for taking the time out just for my case alone....i was so touched....you have hit the nail on all the right spots here surprisingly....i really don't know how to thank you.
It just surprises me sometimes how we end up making relationships with people sometimes knowingly sometimes unknowingly....like the relationship i ended up making with this online friend purely by accident...was absolutely unintentional...he has been honest with me i know that...as we both met each other when we both were at our lowest...perhaps that what brought us togther...similar cultures, language, humour, jokes, ups and downs in life...and life in general...however anyone might say...but believe me you don't find very many people who you connect with on a deeper level...for someone to connect on that level...you need to be able to have some depth and share similar views....nonetheless...was an experience...god bless his soul.
After 10 years of longing for some sort of heart to heart communication...restless nights for deep bonding...one to one communion....and then having emotional connection with another soul out of the blue...letting my hair down...i wonder would still be classified as emotional affair...ummm sigh!! sigh!!..damn...if only he was a woman.
Coming back to my own husband...you all are absolutely right...logically it all seems so easy...heading towards the same direction make amends in my marriage....that's exactly i have been doing....thinking straight...rejecting other men's interest...thinking thinking thinking....never actually feeling anything....almost to the point when i started to feel that part of me is dead...and that's me a young 30 yr old soul...attractive female..dyeing to feel the presence of a GOOD man....who knows how to rock my world....ummm...sigh! sigh!
Thanks to the discovery of masturbation otherwise i would really be dead by now and yes anon believe me i am not offended by this suggestion....infact i am actually relieved you mentioned that..perhaps i am not the only one who resort to that technique....blush blush.
There are so many reasons why i don't connect with my own husband...if i start to go into details i might end up painting him like a villain....which is surely not the case...he is a good man...the main problem though is i never fancied my husband...i have been trying to train my brain for years to start fancying him....how do one learn that...you either do or you don't.....i can go on and on...the reality is i don't know for how long i can go on like this...anon you got it right again....still marriage..and is that so wrong...no ofcourse not...over all i do have a good marriage...respectable man, good income, good social life, family life, he is not a wife beater, no violence but one thing
missing..COMPANIONSHIP...COMPATIBILITY....TOGETHERNESS....
UNDERSTANDING...How do i give subtle signs to him if he doesn't have the ability to pick that sign up....How can someone teach another person to be sensitive and subtle...i don't know....and yes being extremely lazy in the bed room department does not help AT ALL...how can you teach someone to be less lazy.. that as a woamn I also have needs and requirements....its not all physical..where do i begin and where do i finish I fail to contemplate...nonetheless...I guess life goes on..
I often wonder if other women are in my position....and what do they do? Please excuse if it all sounds like a mere rant....the reality is I am very frustrated both mentally and physically....sigh!!sigh!! again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2009): Men you meet online can hide themselves and show only the good bits. They seem better because of this but it could be that this man is incapable of a real relationship anyway. I think you have done the right thing in cutting off from him.It sounds like you need to work on your relationship with your husband. It must distress him as much as you that the sexual side has not worked out. You need to talk to him about it. You say your husband is gentle and caring - let him apply this in the bedroom.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2009): Sorry this is a very, very long post: I will not touch on all your issues but a few thoughts on your situation, so please bear with me.a bit about arranged marriages:many, many people in arranged marriages actually have much more successful marriages than people that first fall in love (choosing their own partners). i have actually seen this with family members and friends both "Indian" and "white" arrangements. It works, only if the said partners come to terms with the "arrangement". There is nothing wrong with an arrange marriage . Many of my professional friends actually want an "Introduction" or some forced arrangements. Why? Good men are so hard to come by and having a "forced/arranged association is nothing to be ashamed of. However if you two are very incompatible then something needs to give. If you two just cannot communicate, not have any sexual desires/ or even lust for each other then that marriage can lead to a marriage of hell. Sex in the marriage:“Right from the very beginning of my marriage i couldn't give myself sexually to my husband” Why this because you did not come to terms with the arranged marriage. How many times in a marriage do we all just have sex than a deed intimate experience. Countless times. You also need to realize this, with some me they just don’t know how to be loving. Us women need to teach them. I know that Indian men in general won’t be caught dead doing “housework”, exploring their deep side, or even showing any feminine side. They think that they would be classed as less of a man. I am sure you will agree. We women, know how to “manipulate”, so gently manipulate hubby by discreetly showing him what you like/ prefer. It will really be difficult at first but some humour may also help.Being sexually active/ intimate is so essential in a marriage. When you lose this, you lose the essence of one ness. It is then so difficult to play catch up and re capture this essence. Please try to re- discover this side of marriage. How is your husband’s sex drive/ is he adventurous in bed. Would he freak out if you were adventurous. The concept loving and In love confuses me so much. I am sure your marriage is the quiet, stillness without the adrenalin rush. Is this so wrong? What do you desire? More passion, then tell your husband. I normally say to my husband: Love, it’s time to add more excitement, or send him a naughty sms or even try this (my husband knows what I mean), please tell the kids to tell dad that mum is going to bed, what time is he coming to bed. (it’s about subtle communication – a look, a sigh, a naught smile/ smirk, just a little something between partners that say Game on tonight!). Please try this, I know it works because I have tried it. For you, you need to ask yourself whether you want to go that extra mile in your marriage.Have you considered Masturbation? Yes, women do that all the time and I believe it is not wrong. You need that sexual release that you are not getting from you man. Then masturbate (in private). Get to know the desires of your body, know what it is capable of feeling. (please do not shoot me for this suggestion, but it is better than an illicit affair).If all else fails, you jump him. He will definitely be surprised!The Other Man:Online dating/partners, with them you can be so free. No facial expressions to note, no unkempt hair or face. No one to see that poker face therefore it is so easy. You talk, you express yourself. The other person also indulges you, makes you feel so special, they give you the time of day that your real life partner doesn’t. That is sadly the reality of the situation. In real life we are so caught up with everyday life’s existence by corresponding online these pressures are no there. You also start fantasizing about this faceless friend, getting more and more bolder in each correspondence or telephone call if you do exchange numbers. You exchange only the best photos, and only reveal the best side of you. Then the sexual desires start, this is what you are starting to feel right now. I must also point out that although you have not been unfaithful sexually, you have been unfaithful emotionally with this other man. You need to acknowledge this firstly to understand what you are going through. This OM makes you feel alive, the flirting, the harmless come on. All leading to one thing – straying from your marriage and this is what you do.The same energy, girlish crush that you have for this man, you need to channel this energy back in your marriage. If it means telling husband “hey, so and so told me I looked pretty today, then do. Or tell him, you would not believe who said I looked 10 years younger. You do not want him to be overly jealous. You just want to catch his attention as well.There is so much I want o tell you about your situation, but sadly I will take up too much of time. You know what you desire, I understand your predicament, you cannot divorce. But you need that human, loving feeling. Between your husband and yourself you can try to find that balance. But you need to make up your mind and accept the reality of the situation. Please note arrange marriage can also be beautiful. Millions fall in love during their marriage. I am hoping that you will one day. It is not too late.
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (16 April 2009):
 Are you absolutely sure that you cannot have a divorce? Is it because of the stigma? Or because you have to return the dowry paid when you got married?
As Uncle Phil said, you are in a very tough place right now. And his analysis/suggestion is I am afraid, the only viable one at the moment.
Perhaps, if you can get permission from your husband, you can go back to college or work (part time or full time), either in the private sector or in not-for-profit organizations. This way you will more time to occupy other thoughts in your mind.
Be strong.
Cat
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2009): You're stuck between a rock and a hard place aren't you?
You can't divorce and you're unwilling to venture outside of the marriage for cultural reasons, you don't love your husband yet you want someone to make love to you. It's like you know what you want but you're not letting yourself have it. If you're absolutely steadfastly adhering to the above, the only two possible outcomes that I can see are 1) You live a sexless life for the rest of your days and 2) You learn to love your husband, and him you, and have him make love to you.
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