A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have an old friend. We've known eachother since elementary school. We live in different cities but we still hang out together. We call eachother often and we help eachother out. My friend is very sensitive, from a young age already but I've kind of grown into the no-bull type and I can be pretty hard and rough.This usually gives no problems because we both live pretty content and happy lives if I may say so myself.One day she called me up because she had a dentist appointment 3 weeks later and she had to get one of her teeth pulled. She was really nervous about it and I sympathized with her a bit because I know she's sensitive. 1 week before the 'big day' she called me up with all these horror stories about infections and pain and everything else that involves horror and teeth. She said she even wanted to be put under because she was afraid of how much it would hurt. I told her not to make a big deal about it and told her about my own experience, which was nothing more than needle--crunch--and the tooth was out. I then told her that going over the what-if's wasn't going to help and that she should try not to talk/think about it for the rest of the week. She said she wouldn't and sounded calm.The big day arrives. She calls me up after the appointment and starts yammering about how horrible the dentist was, how he didn't guide her through the process even though it turned out not to hurt at all.After 30 mins of this I snapped and told her not to be such a wimp. She kept on telling me how big a deal it was for her mentally and I told her that if she could turn such a small thing into an elephant, she had no right to complain about her mom who doesn't want to get hip surgery (another story she keeps bugging me about).She wanted me to apologize after that and questioned my friendship, telling me how I use personal things against her. Even though I didn't agree with this, I figured I might have been a bit too harsh, so a week later I call her up to talk it out, telling her that I was out of line. She kept rehashing old arguments (even reminding me of one that happened 4 years ago) so at one point I hung up with late dinner as the excuse.I sent her an e-card with the clip of U2 "The Sweetest Thing" (It's a clip Bono made after forgetting his wife's b-day, and 'sorry' is written allover it.) Then band) and gave her some time to breathe. I didn't hear from her for weeks, so I called again and asked where we stood. She said she wasn't sure if our friendship could survive this, and that I'm insensitive and cold. That's that, so far.I'm pretty bummed because of all of this. It's just so stupid. I mean, ten years of friendship, ending because of..a tooth. And not to get all Oprah 'my-life-is-so-much-worse-than-yours' but the day after her dentist appointment I found my favorite uncle dead in his house and I only got a 'sorry to hear that' from her. Not that I want to dwell on it, and I haven't really talked about it, but I don't think it's out of line for me to get a little crabby over stupid stuff like this while was busy helping to arrange the funeral.Sorry for the ramble. I guess I just want someone to read this and give an opinion because I obviously can't be objective. And don't worry, I can handle harsh, as long you have something sensible to say. Your approximation of sensible, anyway ;-) Thanks in advance for reading. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2010): OP here. Thanks everyone who answered! Your insight really does help.
I'm thinking about writing that letter, but on the other hand I do not want to come across as pleading. All efforts to save the friendship have come from my side so far and I have admitted my mistakes, even complimented her on things she does well. That's always been my way of resolving issues.
I'm not perfect, she's not perfect and I alway thought that if we both admitted we made mistakes, talked it out, it should be over and done with. But I guess that's just the difference in personality again. I don't stay angry for long and I don't hold grudges after something is resolved. She however is capable of digging up things that happened so long ago, I'd totally forgotten about them.
Good point about her maybe resembling her mom more than she wants to let on. I think that's true. I always thought they resembled eachother, not just in looks, but in their stubbornness and reluctancy to face their fears. But she dislikes her mom and she hates to hear about any comparisons that can be made between them.
About my uncle, it's not the fact she didn't acknowledge my feelings that bugged me. I mean, I tell people I'm always allright, they've come to expect me to be always alright and I'm happy to keep that image intact. It's just that she waved it off, only to launch into a ramble about her problems. On the one hand that's fine because it allows me to focus my attention on something else. On the other hand, why would it interest me when my stuff obviously doesn't interest her? Funny stories and anecdotes are great, drama should always be kept at the minimum, in my opinion.
I don't really know what to do now. I mean, I could let it fade and I'm sure that if I don't put any more effort, she will let it fade. Not to say she never took the initiative, but when she's angry, she always expects the other to put in the effort to resolve the issue.
This might sound a little pathetic, but I don't really have a lot of friends. I've got 2 real friends (of which she is/was 1 of and the other one is at college, so I don't see her that often) and a couple of mates I regularly hang out with. I guess I'm usually too busy getting good grades and I don't go out that much. I'm also not active on facebook or twitter because I don't see the use of displaying myself for the whole world to see.
It kind of scares me that a long friendship can just *snap* be over just like that. I don't want to end up without friends, though I fare very well on my own. Maybe too well. I can have a lot of fun on my own, but when I come across a group of people my age that are obviously having a good time together, I get a little jealous. I too want friends I can really count on...
Oh, look at this. Man it's like I wrote a semi-novel. Sorry about that. If I come across as whiny and complaining, sorry about that too. If you did get this far...well...you deserve my everlasting gratitude, haha
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2010): So this friend of yours...you say she is sensitive. Is she someone who's life is more often than not, filled with drama? A life that you get dragged into, time and again?
Is she dramatic, needy and a tad whiney? I am getting a vibe from reading your posting, that she sometimes, 'sucks the life energy' out of you. And if she's like this, then the problem is hers and hers alone.
Listen, I think you gave her good advice, but at the same time you set a boundary with her. Snapping may not have been the proper way to go about it, but frustration causes us to do that, sometimes. To tell you that this friendship couldn't survive this latest argument, was very manipulative on her part. Now, there are people in life, who take their life experiences and talk it out, over and over again. Just to gain clarity and support. But she appears to take it too far. She may be the type who always needs a willing ear on the other end of her ceaseless banter.
Relationships and friendships are not always a two-way street, sadly. Sometimes you end up giving a lot more than you receive, and the arrangement never seems to work the other way. I think this friendship is a toxic one and your friend should learn to stand on her own and deal with life issues, in a mature strong way.
If I were you, I'd give her space to think about her behaviors here and then perhaps, get the time where the two of you can sit and discuss this, maturely. If she can't handle a discussion where you voice your concerns, or some constructive criticism, you may have to let this friendship go. Because if she keeps this up, you will end up doing that anyways.
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A
female
reader, BeSimplyTrue +, writes (19 May 2010):
 The thing is, this rift in your friendship is NOT about "a tooth". And you know it. You described right from the beginning how your friend is an especially sensitive person and you are an especially tough person. For whatever reason it has mostly worked for you two, but clearly it has caused some hurt feelings--on BOTH sides.
After all, she's not the only one upset (about the tooth thing); you also feel hurt that she didn't do more but acknowledge the tragedy of your favorite uncle's passing. Now, maybe she believed that because you're usually so tough, she shouldn't dwell on your loss, or maybe she really was too wrapped up in her dental problem to think about your feelings.
I think you need to be honest with yourself about what different people you and she are AND act accordingly. You seem like a smart person; you know that how you responded to her worries about the tooth extraction upset her. Even though it's your style, and you want to stay true to yourself, I think it is reasonable to keep in mind that your friend is different than you and act accordingly. Don't be false, don't try to adopt her style of thinking and conversing, but find some kind of compromise. Sometimes when talking with a sensitive person it helps most to simply acknowledge their feelings: "Wow, you sound very worried about this. I can tell you must be dreading it." That may be all she needs to feel like you care. You can then tell her that you don't think it'll be such a big deal, etc.
Listening to her complain at such length over a procedure that ended up not hurting at all must have been maddening for you. It have been very annoying, especially in light of how she was complaining about her mom not stepping up to plate and getting the surgery she needs. It seems hypocritical. (Or, you could view it as the two of them being more similar than your friend wants to let on.) However, you admit that you snapped and you compared her unfavorably with her mom, at a time when your friend was already upset. You can see that this is about more than just a tooth.
If you want your friendship with her, I think you need to write her a letter (either on paper or e-mail). I think you need to state to her (even if she already knows this) that you two are very different people and sometimes that is difficult for you, and obviously it is sometimes difficult for her. You can also mention that you were having a difficult time because of your uncle's death; you might even want to tell her that you needed more support from her than just saying "sorry about that".
Most importantly, I think before you write this letter, if you do want to write one, you should brainstorm some solutions on your end (one possible one is what I suggested, acknowledging her feelings to her) AND make some suggested solutions for the two of you to implement. It sounds like your friendship gears need some lubrication. As my dad often says, don't blame the people, blame the system. Good luck! And I think it's great that you're not giving up on your friend.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (19 May 2010):
It didn't end because of a tooth. I appreciate that some people in life are sensitive. But this really is something else. Sounds to me like she's sucked a lot of life from you to be honest. I think someone had to tell her to get it together. She was more of a wet blanket than anything. But even when you'd said sorry she was still being a pain in the ass about it. And even when you'd sent the card, waited a week or two, she was still being a pain.
That's not a friend. That is a girl who is using you for emotional support and nothing else. If she really wants to be your friend, then she can come to you and say sorry for how shabbily she's treated you over the past with all these old arguments. To be honest, I think you're better of without a friend like her.
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