A
male
age
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anonymous
writes:Well, here's my question. Probably not the first time this type of question has come up.I am a 50 year old male, married with two grown children (one already married with 2 children already) and one daughter in high school. My wife (1 year older) works outside the home. I started teaching in a community college a couple of years ago and have liked it a lot. I spent the 6 years or so prior to that working in the career I had been in since college, but because of industry down-sizing etc. went through several layoffs. One job in particular lead me out of state for 2 years where I maintained my own apartment and only came home on weekends when I could. I finally got tired of the layoffs and had the opportunity to teach which I have liked.My wife and I had many trying periods during our marriage. The truth is, if it hadn’t been for the birth of my first son, I’m sure we would have divorced a long time ago. Both of us wanted to keep things together for the children though. That time is largely over now and I have found myself scared about the future with her. We don't talk and she admits that we have never really talked together. The past 5 years or so, we have largely gone on separate vacations and do most things apart. I largely buy my own groceries, fix my own meals have always done my own wash etc. I pay the important bills. She never has to nag me to cut the grass, take out the trash etc. We now also sleep in separate rooms in the house. We feel more like roommates than anything else. She works most of the time (at two different jobs) and makes a little more than I do right now although in the past I earned much more than she did. It’s been so long since most people have seen us together that more than a few people have been surprised when they ask and I tell them I am married. (I’ve been asked more and more times lately but I have never lied about this.) Our teenage daughter has been acting more and more rebellious over the last few years (perhaps her age or perhaps sensing discontent in the marriage) and have bluntly told us to split up. Because of all these issues, almost a year ago I started meeting with a marriage/family counselor. At first it was to talk about my daughter, but the marriage issue came up very quickly as a root problem. I tried to get my wife to go and she went a few times and then stopped. She says she feels on the defensive when she is there and I have asked her to go then without me. I have continued to go although the frequency is now much less. I’ve spoken with the marriage counselor about separation or divorce from my wife and he, of course, can only support which ever decision I make. I know that he would no be surprised at all if I did this though and probably expects this. I have now even set up an appointment with an attorney to find out what I might be in for if I go down this road.My problem is a classic one. There is no girl friend on the side although I find myself more and more interested in establishing a relationship with someone I could talk with and do things with. My wife and I are financially more comfortable than many people and she has told the marriage counselor that she loves me. She won’t go back to him though (says that she doesn’t see why she needs to go). We continue to do things separately and, truthfully, it has been so long that I would feel very uncomfortable doing many things with her that most married couples do. Do I go ahead and separate and perhaps divorce? Would I still stand a chance of meeting someone I could really be happy with? How would the children/grandchildren cope (married son lives over 2000 miles away so I only see them infrequently). I would be happy to pay child support for the 2 remaining years that my daughter would require it. I have even set aside a fund for her college to get her started which I would still give to her. I’m afraid of really loosing out if I stay or if I go. I’m inclined to leave at this point and my wife even said once (a few weeks ago) that I could go if I wanted. Has anyone else been in this situation before? How has it turned out?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2010): I think I'm seeing my near-future in this question.My wife and I focussed on the kids first, and our careers second. So for the last 17 years we've found ourselves with less and less in common. I very much know what it's like to be lonely in a marriage. And I honestly don't have a clue how we'll manage as empty nesters in a few years. As it is, with teenagers in the home there's no privacy, so sex is pretty much out of the question. I don't see it coming back even if the kids ever leave.I was chatting with a contemporary about this question a few weeks ago. He decided to stay where he was in part because he was reminded that, at his age, it wasn't likely that new and exciting relationships were going to be available in abundance. I think he's finally resigned himself to the status quo, and is working on on outside interests (hobbies) to find some joy.It sounds like you're able to be fairly dispassionate about all this. You're doing the right things, such as investigating the legal implications. If those implications are acceptable to you, I think on balance it might just be healthier for you to go. As I contemplate the same move, I think I'd rather be lonely in a situation where it makes sense to be lonely, rather than in a situation where you're supposed to be having companionship. Unlike me, you're open to the possibility of a new relationship. Leaving now clears the deck, so that if in time you do meet someone, you're unencumbered.Regardless of what you choose, I wish you the best. Sounds like we've both worked hard; I don't think it's unreasonable for either of us to hope for a bit of happiness going forward.
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reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (19 May 2010):
 First let me say I sympathise with your situation. It's hard to stay commited to a long term marriage when it clearly isn't working anymore...and the fear of the unknown often stops people going through with a divorce.
There is no real right or wrong way to deal with a situation like this because it is so steeped with emotional issues and uncertainty. You have clearly identified the problems you and your wife have and have tried to rectify those issues. You wife is being a little bit short sighted if she thinks using the 'love' word can make you stay.
When most people consider a divorce (especially where there is no other new partner on the scene)it is often the culmination of months and even years of consideration...not something to be undertaken lightly but a process of thoughs that leads to an ultimate decision.
There is no time scale for that process, often it's other factors that pursued us, age, money or meeting someone new that often tips the scale to make us act.
I think you are well on the way to that process. You have even worked out a finacial plan in your head, this indicates that your close to making a decision.
The single life...late in life can be a lonely one. There is no guarantee that you will meet someone new that suits you perfectly, who your kids will like and who brings emotional and financial security. However new relationships do stand a much better chance if you have put your past life behind you, dealt with the divorce and any residual pain, so you can move on with a clear heart and mind.
I divorced a few years ago after 18 years. There were no other people involved and we had good reason to part. I thought by now I would have met someone new but, for me, it hasn't happened yet. I have benefitted from having so much freedom again and have found myself. There are times, though when I feel alone and long to have the 'family' life again, but the truth is, if I was still in that situation, I would have always wondered if I had sold myself short for not escaping an unhappy marriage...
See thats the thing...
There is just no way of knowing which way it will go. It's a decision only you can make and I wish you the absolute best with it.
Aunty Em xxx
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