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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: My sister has serious body image issues. Let me explain : She's a ballerina and , at 14 years old, in the pre-professional division. She's a very brilliant dancer with a beautiful physique. But her instructor constantly calls her "heavy" or tells her to lose five pounds before the performance. It doesn't help that the other girls constantly compare weights and heights and boob size/etc etc. Some girls she knows are bulimic and the majority are anorexic. My sister eats fine but lately she's been skipping meals and calling herself fat at every corner (when there is not a single FOLD on her body, she has the perfect body in the family!) It hurts my feelings too that she calls herself fat because, at 19, I'm obviously heavier than her, so at her 120 pounds, it's like, "so if you're fat, then I'm obese?" That's what I tell her. It's getting really annoying because ANYTHING my mom or I say about her weight she starts hysterically crying, locking herself up in the room, starving herself, calling herself fat. It's getting ridiculous. I KNOW the pressures of being a ballerina - I danced for 5 years, and I was pretty good. She's been dancing for 10, since she was a baby so I know how it is. But what can I do to help her? Is she seeking constant affirmation that she's thin? Is she seeking attention? Sometimes she says hurtful comments to me, like "I weigh less than you" or "I'm taller than you" or she says I have a fat butt. But she really has it so much easier than I did, I was very overweight and had bad acne but she has a PERFECT (and I mean perfect!) body.What can I do to be a good sister? I'm worried about her.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011):
My wife is a ballerina. At one point she weighed 98 pounds. Her instructors constantly told her she needed to lose weight. When she matured, she developed a figure. She hated it. A healthy weight for her is maybe 115 and I think she looks great at that weight, but she hates it. I would tell your sister that you love her and you want her to be healthy above all. Tell her it's a messed up profession and that she looks, and dances, great. She will hear so much negativity in class that you need to offset that with positivity.
A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (3 December 2011):
 She clearly has an eating disorder. This is unfortunately common for ballerinas (one ballerina with the Kirov ballet was fired because she weighed 114 lbs at 5'6"). The pressure on ballet dancers is immense (I should know I used to be in a pretty serious ballet school). You should talk to your mom about a) talking to a therapist and b) talking to the ballet school. While her school I'm sure wants her to be thin, they don't want their dancers to have eating disorders.
"I'm obviously heavier than her, so at her 120 pounds, it's like, "so if you're fat, then I'm obese?" That's what I tell her."
You should never, ever, ever say something like to someone with an eating disorder. It has nothing to do with you. People with eating disorders do not think of other people's weights or sizes, the distorted image they have is of themselves not of you. At worst you're making her feel more guilty, which pushes her deeper into her disorder. Here's a good website on it:
http://www.mirror-mirror.org/applove.htm
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (3 December 2011):
That's the thing about being a ballerina: you have to be ridiculously thin. So if her instructor is constantly telling her she's too heavy for the profession, she probably is even though she has the perfect body and to most of us the ballerina's are too skinny.
Basically there are two choices: either she switches to a company that is more tolerant and has a healthier attitude about this, or she loses the weight.
If you cannot find a suitable company or she she doesn't want to switch, help her lose the weight in a HEALTHY way. You can be skinny and not have an eating disorder.
Tell her this: "I will help you lose the weight if you really think this is going to help you. For the record, to me and the rest of the world outside ballet, you have the perfect body. But if you're so bent on losing those pounds, I will help you make that happen without putting your health in danger.
First of all, starving yourself does not help you stay thin in the long run. Since you're just 14 and you want to last long as a dancer and be consistent in quality, the same goes for your weight.
Starving leads to binges, which leads to weight gain, which leads to starving again, which will slow down your metabolism and make you lose your period, which leads to brittle bones very quickly. Since you're an athlete, you need to be strong.
The anorexic girls and those with Bulimia don't last long. They start getting weaker and they will get problems with their knees and ankles. They will have to stop dancing eventually and when they want to get on with their life they'll find they can't because they've wrecked their bodies.
So what you're going to do is eat more protein (chicken, eggs, fish, lentils) for strength, lots of green leafed veggies (any will do), less carbs from white grains like rice, potatoes and bread. You're going to eat at least 3 times a day to help rev up your metabolism so you can burn more fat than you normally would. You are going to drink lots of water, 2 litres a day at least. If you do that, you will burn that weight in no time without getting the problems the other girls who starve themselves get. One rule: one plate per meal. No more."
This should do the trick.
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A
female
reader, hpoco  +, writes (3 December 2011):
 14 year olds are quite egotistical usually, I doubt she intends to make you feel bad when she complains about her weight. When she directly insults you though, you should tell her to stop, and get angry. Otherwise, when she complains I would reassure her that she is fine a few times, and after that totally ignore her little comments. If she really starts becoming very thin and skipping meals regularly, talk to your parents about seeking medical help for her. Its not a problem you can solve for her.Here is a website that might help: http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/eatdis.htmI hope she overcomes her neuroses and grows up to be just fine.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2011): Tell Mom that the profession and Instructor are going to push sister into an eating disorder because the constant she's fat and lose weight DESTROYS a girls healthy self image and now sister is being a verbal abuser towards you.Then tell Mom Sister needs counseling to counter the damage or she will become an emotional wreck.When sister starts in on you- walk. You don't have to put up with bullying. Tell her, Not here to take your verbal abuse. When you are ready to be kind and treat me like a sister and friend, knock on my door. Stand firm.She'll eventually get the message.Write her inspiration notes to surprise her. Put them under her pillow. Love your Older Sister. They May not seem like much now, but as she ages, she will see with mature, loving eyes that you were there.
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