A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My friend complains that she doesn't have a boyfriend, but when guys ask her out, she says no. She really likes this one guy, but she only seems interested in him when he is dating someone. Then if he asks her out, she turns him down. She changed her everything about herself for him- she lost weight, started dressing differently and acting different just for him. But she won't go out with him. She comes to me and complains, but I don't understand it. In general, he doesn't seem like the greatest guy and is sort of a player, but I once tried to tell her that and obviously it made her upset. When I try and tell her to not change herself, she just accuses me of being jealous. (I am dating a guy so I'm not jealous- I just know that you shouldn't change everything about yourself or become a new person just for the sake of having a boyfriend, unless I'm wrong here. (I mean minor improvements are fine, but talking differently and acting like a whole new person is a little much.) I don't know what to do. Should you change who you are just to impress a guy? Any advice?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 September 2013):
 NEVER make changes for anyone but yourself, they will not stick.
perfect example:
I quit smoking for my first husband. he would not marry me if i smoked. I KNEW smoking was bad for me and I WANTED to quit but i was NOT really ready.
when we separated EIGHT YEARS LATER the first thing I did was buy a pack of cigarettes... not out of need.. out of total rebellion because I did not quit for me.
4 years later I quit for ME.... have not had a cigarette since.
doing something to yourself to please someone else is not the way to go. be true to yourself always.
A
female
reader, Kaylei +, writes (6 September 2013):
No way, if he doesn't like you for you, f*ck him. You deserve better than that! :)
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (6 September 2013):
Hell no! You can only keep up the lie for so long, at which point the relationship will fall apart.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (6 September 2013):
 No, you should never change yourself - otherwise you are just faking it and eventually the guy will realise he fell in love with a fake and then end the relationship.
She is clearly young and a bit immature, some girls go through this phase - I'm sure she will grow out of it. Leave her to it, there is clearly nothing you can say to change her mind about this guy, at least she keeps saying no when he asks her out, it doesnt sound like they'll ever end up together!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 September 2013):
 No, you should "act" like someone else to "catch" a guy. The thing is she doesn't believe he would date HER, so she makes up a almost fake persona that she "thinks" he might like. It's more of a fantasy then reality, which is why I would guess she turned him down?
She sounds really insecure and unsure of herself and that is something you can't fix for her. Telling her that she is chasing a player (which I am sure she knows he is) makes her have to deal with reality.
I think I would just try and listen to her instead of trying to open her eyes. She isn't ready for it. She might also not be aware that she is putting on a role for him.
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