A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:This is a stupid question but I'm going to ask it anyway because I feel so bad. I am a married man with children and I'm in love with a significantly younger woman at work. She's recently married and happily so as far as I can tell. We get on really well and I suppose I've just accepted that I get to see her and have a platonic relationship. However she's now leaving and moving to the US because her husband is moving there for his job, and since I found out I feel just terrible all the time, truly broken hearted because I won't see her again. I've never felt like this before and my heart truly physically aches. So do I tell her how I feel? It seems likely to only do harm - and even if by some miracle she reciprocated those feelings I don't think I could hurt my family by leaving them. So as I said it's a no-brainer. I should just keep quiet and my love and pain to myself. Shouldn't I?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2013): You have heavily invested your emotions into this woman since you're so fixated on her and devastated at her leaving. This is being disloyal to your wife. Your strong feelings don't just appear out of the blue, they are the result of things you've done and situations you exposed yourself to over a period of time. The fact that you have invested yourself so much into another woman does show disloyalty. And yet you don't seem bothered by your lack of integrity you are just upset that you don't get to continue being disloyal.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2013): You should be thankful she is leaving. Then maybe you will finally put your amorous attention where it should be - on your wife. You said you had "accepted" that your relationship to the other woman would be a platonic one. Does this mean you were hoping it would turn romantic or sexual and were only thwarted by her lack of interest? That is what it sounds like...You are at a high risk of committing adultery. You dodged a bullet this time because this woman is leaving the country and has no interest in you. But you may find another woman in future to take her place. if you are not willing to leave your wife, then you should address whatever problems are in your marriage or in you to lessen the chance that you will cheat on her. Divorcing someone is not as bad a thing to do to them as staying married to them while cheating on them. People who are married but in love with others always say they will not leave their spouse. Oh yeah? Instead you'll just cheat on them? That's even worse! You almost were in this situation and it is only because the other woman doesn't share your feelings that has prevented you from cheating. This is not a good sign.
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A
female
reader, Anongrl +, writes (17 August 2013):
I agree with the guy who said to tell her, I had a long painful crush on a married man who I think is about twice my age. I just got so sick of my feelings that after more than two years of not even really talking to him. I rang him and told him that I couldn't move on unless I told him, to which the reply was: "you must just move on". It was painful and difficult but at least now I'm not left with the "what ifs" anymore.
Perhaps you could do it in a subtle way and say to her: "God, I'll really miss you around here" or "I'll miss that pretty face a lot", but even better, do what you feel you need to do to help yourself move on, even if it's tough, disappointing and painful, I agree with that guy about getting closure, when you can get closure in life, take it!
I'm not saying it's easy, it can be very painful realising that the person you have strong feelings for, just doesn't have the same feelings for you, even if it always seemed that they did.
When she goes you should allow yourself to be upset and be sad because it's natural to feel like this. Everyone gets sad, even for no aparent reason at times, in their lives. So be kind to yourself, just because you're married it doesn't mean that you stop being attracted to other people and having strong feelings for this girl doesn't mean that you don't love your family anymore. But I feel that you'd have to live with somebody and know them for a few years to know that you really do love them.
My crush was just very intense lust, but not love.
Perhaps you should also consider therapy like CBT if you find yourself struggling to cope, long after she has left.
I felt better after biting the bullet and admitting my crush to him, it was the only thing that gave me relief after two years, so perhaps it's something you could do, but I would advise not to keep contact through social media etc. with her afterwards because it'll probably just prolong your pain and suffering.
I hope you'll begin to feel better soon and move on from it. Just remember to be kind to yourself and know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to allow yourself to get through the dark tunnel, even if it's going to be painful first.
Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (15 August 2013):
 I'd go with trying to be happy for someone you say you love. She's recently married and starting a new life. Wish her well, sign the card and rejoice that she's found the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with.
Maybe this upset and pain and loss you seem to be experiencing is a sign that you need to work on the marriage. You are taking things for granted, I'd guess.
Let's flip this and look at it this way. If you wife was posting this question, how would you advise her?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2013): There is no winning for you in this. Only degrees of losing.
The BEST you can hope for is looking like an adolescent child pining from across the schoolyard at your latest crush
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A
female
reader, malvern +, writes (15 August 2013):
 Definitely keep it to yourself. If she's happily married then what's the point in mentioning it? You would probably end up feeling a bit stupid and later regret ever having said anything.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2013): I think you should tell her but be prepared for a reaction.
Tell her that her husband is lucky to have her, or shower her with compliments. But do not fool yourself in thinking something might develop, just be honest. Tell her before she leaves because you may regret it.
At least you can have closure about it and move on knowing you got your feelings out there even if she doesn't feel the same .
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (14 August 2013):
 I suggest you write the letter but then burn it. A woman still single would feel flattered and touched. Very bittersweet that it's a love that would never be. However a woman going to marry soon would feel, "How dare you?"
Love, whether it is forbidden or not, is poetic and beyond words. Once you try to put it into language it spoils the beauty and for that particular woman, it could feel creepy.
Your hurt is temporary. It passes like clouds. You will do just fine. Learn to appreciate your own marriage and look at your wife with fresh eyes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2013): well here are some possible scenarios that I can think of:scenario#1: you tell her of your feelings, and she replies that she doesn't feel the same about you. Then what?scenario#2: you tell her of your feelings, and she says she also feels the same about you, and that she is going to leave her husband if you will leave your wife. Then what? are you prepared to follow through and leave your wife? Or will you back out and not leave your marriage, but now you've gone and betrayed your wife already. If you end up staying in your marriage, you would by now have done severe and irreparable damage to the relationship and things will never be the same even if your wife never finds out. (it will slowly eat away at you to keep this secret)scenario#3: you tell her of your feelings, she says she feels the same way but she is not willing to leave her husband. Then what? scenario#4: you tell her of your feelings, and regardless of what she says, she also tells her husband, and maybe word also reaches your wife or your wife finds out on her own such as through your phone records or whatnot. Are you prepared for this to happen?In short, unless you are prepared to leave your wife for whatever reason, don't do anything. just let her go. You will forget her because right now your relationship with her is just superficial. Once she is out of sight, she will become out of mind too, I know it doesn't seem that way now but I'm sure it will be. If you really are prepared to leave your wife though (maybe you have other reasons for that), then the first thing you should do is end your marriage before pursuing anyone else. yes of course it will hurt your wife if you left. But it will hurt her even more if you lie to her and betray her while still being married to her. if you don't see yourself ever leaving your wife, it's in your own best interests not to irreparably damage the relationship with her by having an affair or trying to start one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2013): Yes you should just keep quiet and keep this to yourself and get over your pain, which you will in time. Look, you are not in love with her. You don't know her in the capacity that it takes to develop love for someone. You're only coworkers, so you really don't know her that well as a person, and neither does she know you well either. You cannot love someone whom you don't even know. Therefore, you have no grounds for saying you love her. You're only infatuated with her. infatuation is that "in love" feeling of attraction, which is what prompts people to then date each other to see if they really have what it takes to be together. If the relationship works out, then the infatuation stays long term and in addition to a new deeper love that develops from knowing someone well. If the relationship doesn't work out then the infatuation feelings wears off. But infatuation by itself is not love, it is just the first feeling of attraction that encourages you to try a relationship with someone. This is all fine and good if both people are single and available. But both you and her are married to other people already. Therefore, 2 marriages have to end just to experiment and see if you and her would work out together. It is a big deal to end a marriage, as you know, because once a relationship has become a marriage now there are kids, lawyers, and large sums of money involved if you want to end that relationship.Are you willing to divorce your wife and turn your kids' lives upside down, just to see if this woman will divorce her husband (because she might not leave her husband even if you left your wife). so unless you are going to be happier being single than married to your current wife, I suggest you keep this to yourself before you devastate your wife and kids.If after, say, 1 year of being away from this coworker you're still longing for her and can't get her out of your mind, then I would say that this means there's something seriously wrong in your marriage and maybe you should re-evaluate if you should leave your marriage (and then you would be available to date anyone). therefore, I say, don't say anything to her right now. Just wait for a year but no contacting this woman (because that would be having an emotional affair) and then re-evaluate after one year's time if you still feel that strongly that you want to pursue her. If you do, then you need to make a decision about what to do with your marriage.
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