A
female
age
51-59,
*rishanne
writes:How to deal with friends with benefits while they are pursuing a new relationship? We move into apartment (separate rooms) and ever since we have moved in we have been having sex. Now this girl he has been talking to is coming home where does that leave me....in my room with the TV turn on loud and going to the gym? I do care for him. This situation has been going on for nine years but I think the only reason he does make the commitment because of my weight. I know he cares because he asks me who am I talking to or emailing and he has does things that are sweet..Help!
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (23 June 2007):
 I think I understand what you're going through. At some point in our lives, we all have had to walk away from someone we loved very much. So the decision doesn't seem right. I would like you to think about what I read once: "love is unconditional, but relationships are not". So, trust me: leaving this man will be the right decision.I know you won't be feeling better now, but someday you will, and you will feel like you have your life back.
A
female
reader, trishanne +, writes (23 June 2007):
trishanne is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice. I need find the strength to kove on and find someone new to care about. I agree this will be the hardest thing I ever had to do. All I can do is pray that I make the right decisions.
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A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (23 June 2007):
 If he is bringing another girl to the house then I would advise you to stop his "benefits" immediately! You need to know where you stand with him. Sounds to me that he likes you and will have his way with you until someone "better" comes along. Maybe he doesn't know where he stands with you either? Have you sat down and spoke about this with him?
I would stop sleeping with him and continue with a platonic friendship for now. If he questions why you won't sleep with him (and he will), THEN is your chance to sit and talk to him and ask him where this relationship is going.
Eve
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2007): Hi love, your question is a little confusing so i hope ive got this right, You have moved into an apartment with your male friend who you have been having a sexual relationship with but he is looking for a relationship with another women, i hope i got that right? You obviously feel for him and want a relationship but he just wants a friend who he can have sex with, he may have feelings for you but this must hurt you if its been going on for 9yrs, I dont understand how you can live like this it would be much to painfull for me... do you get to go out and meet other men you may be able to have a relationship with? If you care and love someone you love them from within beauty is on the inside, I no initially you have to be attracted to a person to form the start of a relationship but after awhile it matters not if that person looks like brad pitt if he is a mean person on the inside so he will appear not as attractive on the outside, So if he doesnt want to be with you because of your weight that doesnt make him so nice after all, Have you been sleeping with him for 9yrs and living with him? if so what about a life for you i think as long as you are available he will always be comfortable to do as he wants and he has his cake and is most definitly eating it love.. You need to get out there and find someone you can spend some quality time with that is with you for you and loves you for you.. im not saying he isnt a friend but its abit easy for him when if he has no one else to come to you and that cant make you feel nice at the end of the day. I hope you understand where im coming from you are worth so much more TAKE CARE HUNNY LOTS OF LOVE AND LUCK MANDY XXXXXXXXXX
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (23 June 2007):
English is not my native tongue, but I understand "friends with benefits" to be the situation in which you have sex with someone but there is no commitment between the two.You may care about each other (who wouldn't, after so long a time together?) but the situation should prevent you from asking questions like where the girl leaves you or what you do when he's having sex with someone else. You should not talk about commitment either, because it was out of the question since you started as "friends with benefits".So, I am sure you love him.Your weight has nothing to do with the fact he's not committing. I wonder how he could find fault with you if he's moved in. He does not commit because he doesn't want to commit to you. This is harsh, but I think that you need to know this.I notice you have been in this situation for very long. I wonder if none of you, either him or you, has been unable to find a significant person in that long a time.My guess is, you have committed to him, because you love him and you were expecting him to reciprocate, but he has not committed to you, because he doesn't.I think you may not be able to deal with this as a "friend with benefits". Let's suppose he does get involved seriously with this new girl. How honest would it be for him to continue having sex with you?Some people like to keep other people near them even if they have someone else. I think this is the explanation behind this man's asking who you talk to, or e-mail.If I were you, I would leave this man.
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