A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I need help, Do i leave my fiancee? Before you read this, yes its going to be abit of a rant, but this has been eating me up for about a year but even more so the last week or two.I dont feel happy being with her, but i love my 2 daughters so much that i dont know if i could cope not seeing them everyday, I've been in and out of work for the last couple of years so i have spent alot of time with them. My fiancee, to say the least is a rather controlling/jealous type of person. I dont go out that often as i dont really have any friends anymore, Due to her being controlling, My cousin asks me to go for drinks to some pubs sometimes but before i go she is like dont be late.. and goes very funny and pulls faces as i will be leaving her on her own.. but i still go.. and feel guilty, but if there is going to be some of my cousins 'girl' friends out.. i cannot go. Basically i feel 'under the thumb' ALOT! I mean, i do pretty much everything for her, yes she does house work which i do also, but i would say i am the main person looking after the kids, making breakfast, kids dinners, changing nappy's (I dont remember the last time she did a nappy) getting kids juice, bathing them, changing them getting them to bed, etc. yes she does some things now and again.. because i ask her, with them but 85% of the time its me. The girls always come to me when there upset or hurt themselfs. She does love the girls and gives them cuddles and talks to them etc, but not as much as i do.Also to carry on with this rant, when the girls are in bed, she doesnt move from the sofa, she gets me to make her coffee's / hot chocolate / snacks (because apparently i can do them better / ive told her its not like its hard but she goes all funny) even when she goes through the kitchen to the toilet.. if i ask her to get a drink for me.. she wont. When we go to bed.. (I like to stay up and go on my xbox downstairs when she goes to sleep as its the only time i really get time on it) I have to rub her back till she goes to sleep, if i dont she goes all funny and tells me to just go, so them i feel bad and apologise and do it anyway..I know i am too soft with her, but i do all this just to have it peaceful. She always talks about having more children with me as she would like a boy, but i say im happy, also yes she is my fiancee but she is always talking about getting married soon but i keep saying im not ready. I've always known ive been under the thumb abit, but its starting to upset me as i want to live my life.Thing is, which is also putting me off leaving my fiancee and kids is that she would be looking after them on her own and im not sure if she would be able to cope, plus i cant imagine how the girls would feel without having there daddy around all the time.I have been with my partner for 6 years, since i was 17. She fell pregnant after 3 months of us being together, We was trying to be carefull but it still happened. We was great though, moved in together 3 months before the baby was due and couldnt be happier. My first daughter is now 5 and since then we have had a second who is 2. They are my world.Please give your opinions! i desparatly need it.
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female
reader, Read-the-signs +, writes (8 May 2012):
She's evidently banking on you not leaving. She seems to think that whatever she does, however she behaves, you will not up sticks and go. And it seems that you are a good man and a good father, so I can see why she is confident of you staying.BUT you need to sit her down and make your feelings felt. You will have to explain to her that certain things are wrong, and need to be worked on, if your relationship is going to survive. She needs to see that the end result of things continuing is a broken family and unhappiness all round. That discussion needs to take place, and then allow some time for things to change. You could suggest relationship counselling if you both want to work on things and that might help your communication.A jolt is sometimes all it takes to make people realise what they are risking. Maybe she is subconsciously copying a behaviour pattern she has grown up with, ie did her parents have an unsatisfactory relationship, etc? You need to uncover the emotions behind all this behaviour and work together to improve your lives. And if she is not willing, or it doesn't improve, then you will have given it your best shot.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2012): First thing is to stop referring to the mother of your children and the woman with whom you are shacking up as your "fiancee." If you're not ready to marry her after six years and two kids (and I don't blame you one bit, she sounds like a real shrew), then technically you are not engaged or "affianced" and therefore she is not and never has been your "fiancee."
Unfortunately you got a girl pregnant when you were both kids and virtual strangers, and now that you've come to the painful and obvious conclusion that the two of you are incompatible as a couple you are faced with the harsh reality that you are still tied together as co-parents of two innocent little girls who did nothing to deserve being born into an ongoing battleground.
You must to understand that as a parent your primary obligation is to do what you truly believe is in the best interests of your children, and it appears what is NOT in their best interests is their parents continuing to cohabitate. All you can do is be the best father you possibly can to your daughters, doing what you can to ensure they don't end up pregnant at seventeen (or sooner) like their mother.
Good luck, and you need lots of it.
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