A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have heard people say before that you should only get married for "the right reasons", and that doing so for any other reason is wrong. While I agree with this, I can't help but think I got married for both the right AND wrong reasons. Let me explain:I had just turned 20, and was working a part time job that I loved. I met a man who was a year older than me after 2 months of working there. We hit it off right away, and agreed to try hanging around together outside of work. I wasn't sure at the time if he had meant to ask me on a date, or he just wanted to be friends. I decided to just see how it went. After only 3 weeks of hanging out, we started dating. Fast forward a year, and he asked me to marry him. He had all the qualities I wanted in a man except one, but I know everyone has flaws. And I knew I could live with one thing I didn't like about him, so I said yes. The thing is, we were both still working our same part time jobs, and were broke. We were living with our parents at the time. He had finished school and was looking for a job in his field, and had no luck. I was looking for a second job, and having no luck. We decided to not let money affect our decision to get married, so we got a courtroom marriage and that was that. I moved in with him at his parents' house, and after a year and a half of living there, we finally were able to get our own apartment. He has since gotten a job in his field. We had to move to a new area for him to do it, but it wasn't his fault. There were absolutely NO jobs available where we lived before, it's on the list of top ten "dying" cities. Anyway, looking back, I realized a small part of the reason I accepted his marriage proposal was money, even though we were both broke at the time. I knew that while neither of us could make it on our own, together we stood a chance. My question is, is it wrong that I took that into consideration as part of my reason for marrying him? It's nearly impossible for a person in their early to mid twenties nowadays to make it COMPLETELY on their own financially, unless they were lucky enough to land a job in their field that's salary rather than hourly. Otherwise they have to work 3 hourly jobs. I know, because my cousin is single, living by herself, and that's what she has to do. The salary job isn't an option for me, because I didn't go to college. I didn't want to, because I knew it would be a waste of time. I'm not intelligent enough to make it through college (I barely made it through high school) or hold down "real" job, nor do I have the social skills. I also tend to mimic how I'm treated, so I can't do customer service. Because if someone decides to be rude to me, I'm screwed. This often got me in trouble at the part time job I worked where I met my husband. I now stick with simple jobs where you have little to interaction with the customers, such as hotel housekeeping, and I also worked in a warehouse for awhile. These jobs keep me in good physical shape, so that's an upside. And this way I'm still contributing to our bills.Yet I feel this nagging guilt in the back of my mind that I was wrong to let money even be a small reason for marrying my husband. I love him and am attracted to him, and those are the right reasons to get (and stay) married to someone. But is it okay if you got married for one wrong reason as long as you also did it for the right reasons?
View related questions:
cousin, money, moved in Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 January 2013):
 I do not think it's wrong at all.
150 years ago marriages were NOT about love. they were business contracts.
my current husband and I while we love each other, married more for practical reasons than anything.... and yet I will probably never leave this man whereas my prior husbands were all married for love and that over time died enough that there was nothing else to sustain the marriage. This marriage is sustainable because the foundation on the bottom was common sense and practicality. Love is the icing on the cake.
you are fine
stop beating yourself up
you love him
you are attracted to him
the fact that you married for some practical reasons will get you through the rough times when the love fades (as it will do over the years... it ebbs and flows.
For those folks that married out of pure love/lust with no thoughts to practicality, the times a marriage is rolling along on practicality become very difficult and they consider divorce way too easily. Those of us that know that it's not all hearts and flowers know to tough it out and the love will flow back....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013): Money problems is a leading cause of divorce so money is a valid thing to seriously consider when marrying someone. Most people consider a potential partner's financial viability when deciding if they are marriage material or not. So you're no different. I know many people - mostly women - who married primarily for money not even as a side bonus. In your case I don't know. Only you know your own motivations and how they stack against each other. If he went broke and in debt tomorrow would you still stay with him? However I think you should not use your husband's wage earning abilities as an excuse not to develop your own. I believe every able bodied adult should be able to be financially independent. What if your husband got laid off or got in an accident and became disabled and wasn't able to work anymore? I think both spouses owe it to each other to be able to contribute about equally financially to the marriage. So don't use your combined income as a cop out to not work hard at furthering your own job skills...that's my two cents
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013): Taking 'money' into consideration is not a wrong reason. Money is a huge aspect of marriage. Don't beat yourself up about it ever again. Money, kids, religion, sex... are all important aspects when considering marriage...as all of these can create major problems. Your post was very well written in my opinion. I don't think you have given yourself enough credit for your intelligence. It may be that you take a little longer to learn some things than others, but judging by your post, you could do anything you set your mind to. You may just need to find what you love....and you'll be GREAT at it.Maybe you are more creative than intellectual...maybe you should write a novel....:)
...............................
A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (8 January 2013):
 Ok, so one of your reasons was financial security. MOST women take this into consideration when it comes to marriage. It's part of the old "gatherer provider" thing.
Can he support us? Can he provide for us? Can he provide for a family (if that's your intention)?
I wouldn't feel guilty about that. You didn't go after Hugh Hefner or some guy with money JUST for his money. You were both broke at the time right?
What are the other reasons you wanted to marry him?
You love him and you're attracted to him? That's fine. Marrying a guy you love when both of you were broke shows this isn't about money. Yes, you thought about security and a future but that sounds to me like you've got your head screwed on properly.
Now, if you ONLY married him to drag you (and him) out of the crappy city you live in then that would be wrong and you weren't attracted to him and you didn't love him then that would be wrong.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013): Lets start by straightening things. You are a victim of societal change mentally and its not a bad thing but not entirely a good thing either.Lets skip back 20 years maybe 40. Women were more or less stay-at-home moms. If you wanted to marry one, you will need to prove not only to her but her parents that you could take care of her financially.Now that is the ideal world for women. That's the natural order of events however, society has changed so much that women have evolved to become very independent. But lets leave it there.If you married a man because you considered his ability to take care of you financially then you are a beautiful being because you subconsciously or consciously accepted the natural order of events... Thereby eliminating unecessary hardship and worry from your life.Do not mistake any of this as you being selfish... Not at all, you love him, and he loves you. You married him when he had nothing but potential and now you will continue to reap the benefits of having faith in that young man.Your innocence however is beauty in itself :).And yes I am male :)
...............................
|
