A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:There is a girl and she is a friend of mine but I have a crush on her. She is from another country and will go home later in the year, so I’m settled on just being friends. We met online and were really good friends, we spoke often and she was very nice to me. I helped her a few times when she had problems and she said I was an angel. So I went to her city which is 9 hours away, we spent 3 days together and had a great time, she said she really enjoyed it and seemed so happy. You can tell when people are genuine and I know she really did have a good time. She hugged me when we said good bye and said It was one of the best days she’d had. She said she wanted to see me again soon.So that was great, as I said, I know more than friendship would not be practical as she goes home in a few months, but I wanted to be as good a friend to her as I could be. Once I got home she seemed to be different. She spoke to me less, when we did talk she was nice but she said less than before, but we changed from using facebook to using sms as she gave me her number, so maybe that’s just how she texts. She promised to send me photos of our days together but never did. She would also stop replying half way through conversations, its possible something came up as she hadn’t read the messages, but often she did a few days later and didn’t reply, although none of them were questions so maybe she felt the moment to reply had passed. So I always restarted the conversation a week later and she was nice again, then would stop writing again and read the message a day or so later. Etc. I then found I would be able to go to her city again, she seemed happy, we made plans and she seemed very happy, she then hesitated about 1 part of the plans, and said she needed time to think if she wanted to (we were going to go somewhere a few hours away and she wasn’t sure what there was there to see). Then she didn’t reply for nearly 2 weeks so I wrote again, and she said sorry but she won’t be able to go as she has a girl friend visiting on the same day and she needs to be there to let her stay in her room. So I said ok that’s fine bla bla bla and she saw the message and didn’t reply to it but again there were no questions and I didn’t give her much to start a conversation with as I was annoyed and she saw it at 1am so maybe just wanted to sleep. Now I know she will not write to me again until I write to her, like she has been doing for the last few weeks since I saw her. I will go to her city at the end of the week just to see her, and we’ve not arranged anything yet. What should I do? I plan to just message her the day before I arrive saying I’ll be in town and if she wants to meet up we can and leave it at that. I’m losing patience with her and feel like she isn’t treating me right, so if I don’t meet her I will meet someone else in the city instead. She seemed very keen on the other plans we made for the days i will be there and i presume she still wants to do those things although we haven't agreed a time and place but i dont want to ask her as i feel bad always being the one who messages. Whenever we talk she is still very nice to me, and its possible this is just the way she is and all the things she has done that bother me could have reasonable explanations , but I feel upset and bothered by what she is doing. I feel a bit betrayed as I’ve been so good to her and she seems to be treating me very badly now. Am I over reacting? It’s possible I’m just dealing with a friendship with more emotions than I should be as I like her, and maybe if I didn’t like her this would seem normal and not bother me at all. I genuinely don’t mind just being friends, I’d just like to be good friends with her.what should i do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 June 2014):
 I am always very happy to be proven wrong if things turn out favourably for the question asker, so my congratulations , OP, but... try not to get too carried away,if you can. Because, how is this going to play out in practice ?... She did not want to get involved with you and grow feelings, because she was going home soon ( makes sense )... and now, what's different ? Can she afford to grow feelings ... because she is staying one more year ? She is still always going back home after one year, and resume her old life- so, doesn't this make it even worse, if you grow mutual feelings ? I suppose one could always say " who cares, let's be here now- we have a whole year to be together, after which que sera sera" and I am quite sure that at your age I would have felt the same, yet... careful... you sound a little thin skinned for that... you were already twisted in knots now, and you weren't even dating... how are you going to handle a relationship with an expiry date stamped on ?... And, can you in practice do long distance ?... 9 hourse was just insane, but, if it's gonna be, say, 6 hours, it's not that it would make a big difference in terms of time and money needed to keep it going... Not tryng to rain on your parade, OP- just , you know, " be prepared ", as a boyscout would say. Think things over well, and good luck anyway.
A
male
reader, methuselah  +, writes (11 June 2014):
Hi,
Thank you for follow up.
I am really pleased for you. That's great! If you are happy about the 'date' then see how things go. I really hope things can work for you. Thank you!.
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A
male
reader, thomasmorgan +, writes (11 June 2014):
HiOriginal poster here! she said she needed to talk about something.It turns out she became distant as she had feelings for me but didn't want to fall in love while she was here as she had to return home so didnt want contact, she said she also wasnt sure about how her parents would think about her liking a foreigner. she also said she has been hurt in the past and didn't want to be hurt again. she said she needed time to think about it and has made a decision.She has now decided to extend her stay here for 1 year and chose my city as the place she is staying and has already found a job there starting in september, so she will go home for 2 months then return here. She wants to meet me again when i visit and asked me if this time we could make it a date rather than just be two friends meeting.Thanks for the advice anyway guys!
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A
male
reader, methuselah +, writes (10 June 2014):
Hi,
If I were you I would leave this alone. The only reason that I would chase up a woman like you would be if I fancied her. Because she hasn't responded in the way I would want, then I wouldn't bother. For you, why bother with all this emotional energy for just a 'friend' for a couple more months. It really is not worth it. Sorry if I sound heartless, but I wouldn't waste any more energy on this non-starter because the friend thing just can't go any where because she is leaving. Thanks.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (10 June 2014):
 I agree with Cindy. You are putting a lot of cosmic emotional effort into a NON-relationship. You know she's going back to her country soon... there can be nothing but online friendship and there is no need to be good friends.
It's a casual thing.
I would NOT make an EFFORT to go to her CITY JUST to see her, but if you are there you can contact her and see if she is free to get together.
It's probable that she's picked up on how much you like her and that the only reason you are not pursuing her as a romantic partner is because she is leaving. AND she probably does not feel the same way you do and does not want to lead you on.
take her lead and leave her alone.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (10 June 2014):
You should stop investing so many emotions in what , not only is just a friendship, but it's a temporary one , because she is going back to her country soon.
That's why she is taking it so casually, meaning yes, she enjoyed the time she spent with you, it would have made no sense faking that,- then again, she is not in love, and she is leaving soon too, she is taking things as they come, she does not want to put particular time, effort, intensity , feeling into a nice but transitional acquaintance. It's like if you talk is nice , if you don't that's fine too, and I don't find it mean or disrespectful, I'd say it's normal seen the circumstances. It's just that, as you guessed yourself, you feel strongly and negateively about that, because YOU care more about seeing her / talking to her than viceversa. Why ?, because, no matter what you say, for you she is not just a " good friend ", she is your crush and to you it does make a differemce how many minutes you talk and how many hours you spend together. To her it does not.
It may also be very well that she knows or guesses that you have a romantic interest in her, which is not requited, and she is tryng to be kind BUT also cool your jets. She does not want you to feel encouraged and put your hopes up.
No, she is not treating you badly, you feel that because you put so much of you into this and you'd want it to be reciprocated, but from a neutral observer's point of view, come on , all this true friendship... you met her recently- on line- she is leaving soon , going back to her home and real friends- she lives NINE hours away, - you met once for 3 days in all your acquaintance... enough said. It's normal that for her you are, no more and no less, than a nice , kind, supportive guy with whom is pleasant to shoot the breeze by text, and even to spend a weekeend once in a blue moon- and nothing more, so the way she treats you , nice but no kid gloves, is adequate to your level of closeness.
If I were you I would NOT go to her town at all, unless you MEAN It when you say you'd go anyway because you have other people to see there . But if you are going through all the hassle just, or mainly, in the hope to spend some time with her,- don't do it, there are no firm plans, and , I suspect, no firm intentions from her to commit to any plans with you. You may very likely end up disappointed and be blown off with some polite excuse.
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