A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Aunts,I am more in love with my current girlfriend of 5 years than I have been with any other woman, but she is a sexual dead fish. She does not enjoy sex with me and she won't work with me to improve it. Quite frankly, I think she is most of the problem as she has no naughty, kinky, or even just sort of slutty side. She won't give blowjobs, she hates receiving oral sex and she does not masturbate. What she will allow is sex in the dark as long as I finish as fast as possible and even then the frequency she permits this is diminishing. She says she just does not like sex.Even though I am just average in endowment other girlfriends called me a passionate, adventuresome, and attentive lover - and I try to be. However, it takes two to tango. Sometimes it takes my partner to do something a little crazy before I can top her and we feed off of each other. However, with a dead fish of a girlfriend I just feel shy, embarrassed, and clumsy as anything I do or say is met with scorn. There is no encouragement. Once I bought her a sexy outfit to wear (fishnets and a teddy) and she said: "Do you expect me to wear this?" while rolling her eyes. She did put it on. Once. I feel like no matter what I do or try she hates it and just wants to be left alone. Obviously, this is a big problem for me. It is probably a small problem for her. The issue is that I love her and outside of the bedroom I get along better with her than with any other girlfriend I ever had. However, in the bedroom it's another story. I had one night stands with more love, passion, desire, and emotion during sex. It just kills me that the woman I love can't wrangle any passion and just hates sex with me.I have been reading posts here and some people say lac of sexual compatibility is a dealbreaker. Sometimes I feel it is. Other times I feel that, well, it's just sex. Good sex is easier to come by than love in my experience. On the other hand, I remember what good sex is like and I miss it at times.Can people change? What can I do? If I am resigned to a lousy love life, but otherwise a good relationship is that worth hanging onto? Mostly I think so, but sometimes - like tonight - I think about sex with other girlfriends and think "Wow! I could use that!" despite our differences outside the bedroom. I am so torn...
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 June 2012):
 Sorry, if you stay you are fully committed to dead fish sex for the rest of the relationship.
And if you stay, give it a few years and you will want to stray, - anything to get you to feel wanted in a physical/sexual manner.
She doesn't enjoy sex and she really doesn't like to participate in it. To see she seems like she has the turn of the century "grin and bear it" or "wifely duties". My guess is that she doesn't know how to enjoy sex and isn't really interested in it. Low sex drive or frigid.
I'm sorry would be a deal breaker for me if my partner didn't want to participate, play & improve the sex life.
You have waited 5 years for her to WANT to have fun with sex and na-da.. she isn't going to change.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2012): Leave now. It will not get better - trust me, been there, done that.
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A
female
reader, katiekate +, writes (28 June 2012):
 Also, the fact that she rolled her eyes and showed no interest in your sexy gift (and therefore, no interest in pleasing you), shows that she will not change or work to improve things in the bedroom for the sake of your happiness. If she loved you as much as you say you love her, I believe she would be more accommodating, less selfish, and would work with you to find some sort of middle ground. If I were in your shoes, I would say goodbye. Sooner or later, you'll meet a woman who can (and is willing) to satisfy ALL of your needs.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 June 2012):
 I can see both sides of this.
Side A
You resign yourself to this life. Fifteen years from now you are posting on here about how miserable you are not having sex with your wife except for your birthday and anniversary. You want out of the marriage or you want us to help justify this affair.
Side B
you realize that you CAN'T live with this lousy love life and you make the break....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2012): If I am to be honest, you will get more miserable in time. Your love for her is obviously strong, but how could one fight his natural desires? Yes, lack of sex, lack of appropriate sex etc. is a deal breaker. Although sex is not the most important thing (and it should not be), without it everything else seems less of an importance to a point in time, where you no longer can appropriately weight pros and cons of a relationship.
I don't know why are we, men, like that.
But from where I am sitting you are close to cheating on her and this will eventually lower your esteem, make you feel miserable even more and most of all, make you feel guilty for your desires.
It will become a no-go for you if nothing changes. Those hormones will not just go away.
Been there.
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A
female
reader, jinxx  +, writes (28 June 2012):
 You're only resigned to a lousy love life if you decide sexual compatibility isn't important to you, and that you would gladly live your life with very little sex in it.
If that's what you decide, then yes! You are resigned to it.
I am one of the people who would deem it a deal breaker, so after communicating my needs to them and not having anything done about it... I would leave.
Have you considered an open relationship? I understand that's probably a bad idea for most people, but for a person in your situation it may be something to think about.
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A
female
reader, katiekate +, writes (28 June 2012):
I agree with much of what posters before me have said. Why are you sacrificing a major component of your relationship? Sex and intimacy are very important factors that I don't think I could sacrifice in a relationship. My boyfriend and I have an amazingly exciting and pleasurable sex life, as well as a fantastic mental connection and we have more fun than I've ever had with any man before. We have the total package. You deserve that too. And if you stay with her, I predict that you will grow increasingly more frustrated and miserable over time. That, or you'd start having affairs in order to fulfill your sexual needs. Either way, that's not a healthy relationship.
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (28 June 2012):
 Depends on your priorities. I would personally stay with a perfect emotional/intellectual match and put up with lousy sex than to have great sex but remain unfulfilled emotionally and intellectually. It's easier to get good sex than to find love. If I found love, I'd hang on to it with my life, sex or no sex. But that's just me. You have to find out what's important for you and make peace with yourself. If you're going to call her a 'dead fish' in your mind all the time and blame her for the lack of sexual passion in your life, do her a favour and leave her. She deserves to be with someone who cherishes her for who she is, sexual or not.
I'd be insulted if my boyfriend wanted me to wear a fishnet dress, frankly speaking. That's just slutty and demeaning. I think you need a kinky sort of girl. The best bet for you would be to end this relationship, find someone who's right for you (kinky, adventurous, would wear fishnets, give you blowjobs etc.) and allow her to find someone who'd love her for who she is and not think of her as a 'dead fish'.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2012): I have been there and couldn't hack it. Love is not enough for me, a relationship has to be the complete package. I don't know if you feel resigned to the fact you won't find as caring or lovely a woman as her or what but why you would settle for a relationship that doesn't meet all your needs is beyond me.
Look of course there is more to a relationship than just sex but why does it have to be a trade off?
My girlfriend is horny as hell and she's an amazing partner intellectually, emotionally and practically too. Would it be right to stay with her if she had all those things but was perhaps lacking in my emotional needs?
No, it wouldn't work because it would become the elephant in the room, it would become the thing that eats away at our relationship, and defines it and you know what? Even if she was asexual I'd expect her to love me enough to want to fulfil my sexual needs. I'd expect her to understand that it was an issue and step up to the plate and provide it for me as I would her.
Look if you want to settle for less than what you want in life that's your business, is it okay to stay with this woman for all the things she provides and are they a good trade off for what she's lacking? That's something only you can decide. For me it would be a deal breaker, without sex we're just friends. Without my emotional needs met, we're just sex. Without my intellectual needs met we're just passion buddies.
I personally prefer to women that have all my requirements and I know for a fact that should this relationship end I'd find those things in another woman.
"she won't work with me to improve it."
That to me is a deal breaker, there's something wrong in the relationship and she won't work to improve it. Not for me sorry. That to me is selfish.
But I'm not you OP, I don't have the same needs or priorities perhaps.
One thing I have to mention though OP, this very much sounds like a woman filled with a deep self loathing of her body. Really, this doesn't sound like an asexual woman at all. It sounds like she hates the idea of you enjoying her body and getting anyway close to it. There could be a past sexual abuse reason, a reason of sexuality or maybe she's not actually attracted to you at all.
It doesn't sound like a woman who just doesn't need or want sex OP, she says she doesn't like it and that's not normal. If she won't tell you the reasons or try and fix that then you have far deeper issues in your relationship than just her unwillingness to have sex. It means there's a huge part of her that she's hiding and a part of her that's having a negative impact on your relationship.
There is always a reason for someone not to like sex. People who are just asexual or have a low libido, don't dislike sex, they just don't ever really want it. There's a big difference.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2012): I think it's fair to say things will only get worse over time. It is quite likely that she may not want sex at all in future. Beyond discussing this with her, you have to decide how important a physical relationship is to you. Being intimate and enjoying sex is all part of a loving relationship, it's not unreasonable to expect this.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (28 June 2012):
 If you want this to work out, you need to surrender and completely say goodbye to your sex life. Place your favorite memory and then bury it in the grave. Unless you want a child with her.
Women who are dead fish are a minority. The odds that the next one will also be a dead fish is very slim. It's true your girlfriend makes you very secure because you know she won't leave you for a better lover, because the lover concept does not even exist. She would be perfect for a man who suffers from ED and is too shameful to get help. You are hanging on to her because you think good relationships are rare any way. It's not. It is better to be single than to be stuck with a lousy sex partner for the rest of your life. I think you can do better.
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