A
female
age
36-40,
*uddlyLovely
writes:Hello everyone,I am not sure why, but I seem to have trouble finding a meaningful relationship. Physically, I am considered to be a very sultry girl (coming from many male friends). I am very intelligent (doing a master's degree at a top university). Personality wise, I have a bit of chameleon personality (can strike a conversation with pretty much anyone). I don't have too many interests, except I like to party a little (clubbing and drinks).I am 23 now, but I have never had a meaningful relationship. I have dated many; most of them only lasted a few weeks to a few months before I can't handle it (I felt like they are not good enough). In fact, all of my relationships started that way. I rarely liked the guys enough to pursue anything romantic, but when they were pushy enough, I accepted them due to convenience. My last relationship actually lasted almost 9 months, but it was on and off. I kept on breaking up with the guy because I thought he was wasting my time, but I kept on getting back because the sex was too good to say no to. Eventually I somehow managed to have feeling for this guy, but it wasn't reciprocated. I guess it is through him I learned to appreciate that emotional closeness. The past few weeks I have gone on a few blind dates, but they weren't successful. During the dates, the guys acted nervous. I thought nervousness is a good sign. Gone on a second date with one of them, but that was it. He said we didn't have much in common. I do not understand why. I dressed well - not over the top but definitely clothing that showed off my killer curves. I was articulate - I talked a lot about career plans and my thesis (things that are on my mind all the time). I was considerate - never asked what their income is or ordered crazy expensive things off the menu. I am wondering if it is because I came across as too ambitions and too much of a boss lady (by talking about career plans etc). But my physique is very feminine, shouldn't that make everything tolerable/okay?Oh, my roommate suggested to me it might be the case that I let out too much information too quickly?Any feedback/comment are appreciated.Thanks.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (28 October 2011):
Hi there. Is it possible that perhaps, you did most of the talking on the dates?
Maybe you talked about yourself, and they didn't get a word in edgeways.
I say this because you have said what you talked about - your studies, career plans etc. What you didn't say, is whether you asked them about themselves - to at least show genuine interest in them as human beings.
When you are out on a date getting to know someone new, people often usually ask the other person a bit about themself - what they do for a living, any hobbies or interests. Stuff like that.
Because the main thing here is building a good rapport with someone. To see if there is any emotional connection between you. To see if you get along.
Without realizing it, you might have spent almost the entire evening talking about yourself. Unintentionally. You might have even felt a bit nervous, and so you talked, and talked, and talked. People do this when they are nervous sometimes.
And if this is what happened, the guys might have felt you had no real interest in them whatsoever. It's entirely possible.
Even looking like you do with feminine curves, and dressing well, nothing is more important to any man than being with a women who is genuinely interested in him and in what he says. Believe me, it's the biggest compliment a woman can pay a man. Beats looks, hands down.
So when you do out with a new man next time, perhaps you could start asking him about himself.
Nothing personal of course.
DON'T talk about your past relationships or his.
Religion or politics are also out.
In fact, ask no personal questions of him at all.
And don't give too much away about yourself either.
Keep it light and fun and interesting, and not too serious or heavy either.
And you might just find that you have an absolutely wonderful evening.
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (28 October 2011):
Well you are definitely not alone in this question. You sound great, stop trying to overanalyse yourself. Blind dates and dinners on a first date are not the way your going to meet mr right. In fact, stop looking and trying so hard. Do plenty of things where you have social contact, gym, hobbies, clubss, etc. And learn to be relaxed and get to know your next date a bit before hes a date and then your first date will be more fun.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2011): Never rely on your looks to get you what you want. No, being attractive doesn't make everything else "tolerable". A wise man who is looking for a serious, meaningful relationship will take the girl who is humble, kind, and easy going who happens to have a little extra around the middle over the killer babe who thinks highly of herself.
I'm not trying to be mean or talk down to you. It's hard to find a balance of passable looks and nice personality. Tone down the ambitious attitude and save that for later. That's intimidating. Not all men are into chasing out of their league. Men have hang ups too, and if you are coming off as haughty or prideful they aren't going to bother. Lots of men HATE high maintenance. One first dates, dress yourself modestly, try not to talk too much about yourself and your achievements, and listen to him instead of plowing him over with "look at me!" crap. When you are in a consistent relationship, then is the time to talk more about your ambitions and goals. Because by then, they will know who you really are, and you won't be seen as self absorbed or shallow.
Trust me, a good man looking to settle and invest emotionally, regardless of his own looks, is much more willing to settle with the woman who would be an awesome friend and lover over the woman who is awesome eye candy.
You seem to have high expectations, and there's nothing wrong with having standards. But in order to have a successful relationship, sometimes that means being able to grow up and settle for someone. Yeah, that guy might have skinny legs, or has lower education than yourself, but he's a good guy who is kind and loving and supportive. Who cares what other people think of you. Do what makes you happy, and don't worry about other people thinking you lowered your standards when they see you together.
If you keep hearing "we don't have anything in common", then broaden your horizons. I don't know what kind of things you are into, but maybe look into other hobbies or interests. Having depth means being able to talk about all sorts of things, and having an understanding how things work in the world. If you're only caught up in your education and your looks, it doesn't really look like there's much more to you than that.
And you're still very young. Maybe Mr. Perfect for you is still out there, you just need to be patient.
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