A
male
age
41-50,
*ennnnny
writes:I'm sitting here and i hope that i can get some advice as i don't know who to ask.I'm 26 and apart from a 3 year relationship, i'm just being honest, i have been with a lot of women. I look after myself and am good looking and i love going out to bars and meeting girls and going on dates. All my friends call me Hank Moody from that Californication show. I met a girl 3 months ago and she was lovely. I began to fall for her and i decided i wanted to just be with her. She became my girlfriend and we took trips, went out with her family for dinner, that sort of thing.I thought things were good but the past few weeks i think my feelings have changed but i don't know why. I get irritated with her sometimes and i met up with my friends again and now each week i go to my old bars and i feel bad saying it but i have cheated, several times. It's like as soon as i get to a bar and girls come and talk to me, something comes over me. I took a girl home Saturday night and i woke up and realized what i am doing is not right. The thing i don't understand is, the girl i am seeing is lovely - she would never treat me bad, her family are nice and i recently moved and they all helped. They have invited me over for Christmas and it is all arranged. I just feel awful. I think maybe i just need to be single and that way i can sleep with as many people as i want, do my own thing and not feel bad.I just don't understand it. I have a chance to be with someone nice and i don't seem to want it. She has done nothing wrong and i know i make her happy, why should i ruin that for her?I just can't make sense of it all. :(
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (25 November 2013):
 She's just not right for you - simple as that. Ok so you cant identify what is missing, she is lovely and nice and is everything you THINK you want, but clearly there is something missing that you are not aware of yet.
When you meet the right girl you will know and there will be no-one else that comes close, even these pretty girls in bars will lose their appeal when you meet the right girl.
And perhaps you are still too young and immature to settle down - timing often has a big part to play, she might be a great girl but if you are not mentally ready for a relationship (it doesnt sound like it) then no girl is going to be right for you right now.
I dated a guy and I knew he really liked me, I fell really hard for him but he held back, he was just starting out with his new business and was not mentally in the right place for a relationship. A year or so later once his business was set up and he had settled in a new place, he met a girl who he has now married.
So I think a lot is to do with timing and being mentally ready to settle down - you are just not there yet. So when you are ready and you meet the right girl you shouldnt have these problems.
End the relationship and stop hurting her. This is incredibly unfair to her so make sure you end this ASAP, regardless of what plans you have made. Or if you are too much of a wimp to break up with her, tell her what you have done and let her end it for you.
Next time try and stay single, dont allow yourself to get into a relationship when clearly you are not capable of being faithful - these girls dont deserve to be treated like this.
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (25 November 2013):
 Let her go. What you are doing to her is awful. How would you feel if she were sleeping with other men on the side, and hiding it from you? This kind of deceit will knock the wind out of her, hurt her so deeply. It will linger in her like a poison, which will slowly eat away at her soul. I became physically ill when my now ex husband betrayed me, and if you think she'll never find out, you are dead wrong. Someone somewhere would see you and word would get back to her, or one morning she may wake up with just that feeling, which will prompt her to watch you more carefully. Think about it this way, would you want your sister or your daughter to be with a man like you?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2013): Guess what, I agree with you. Your an asshole.
The problem is your not in love with this girl, if you are then you wont be feeling this way.
Sometimes things happens for a reason.
If I were you, the least you could do, is to be honest with her and tell her you need a break.
She deserve better than you, As for you, I suggest be happy and go for a single life. Because your not relationship material. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (25 November 2013):
 I think a lot of men struggle with this dilemma in their lifetime. Afterall, it's the standing joke at most English weddings, the old ball and chain, the end of the batchelor lifestyle...everyone seems to find that funny and a lot of men avoid commitment because they have this perception that they will miss out on other women or freedom to do as they wish...such is the transient nature of males.
The thing is, very few of us stay the same throughout our lives. We mature, we make and need deeper connections and ultimately most of us are drawn to our mortality and the need to procreate. Both men and women feel this but individually we reach this stage at different ages.
Nature has obviously blessed you with good looks and charm and when women respond to those charms it gives you a massive boost and a release of endorphines and adrenalin...it's fun, exciting, addictive and when you have gotten what you want, then comes the crash and the low (as with most addictions).
Transient, no strings relationships feed the addiction and you know you will say just about anything to get what you want, but as age approaches you think about other stuff, like meaning something to someone special (like your girlfriend), you might think about how long your potential to 'pull' will last?...until you are 40?...50?...60? and you may think about how you will be seen by others in those ageing years.
My own Grandad cheated until he died aged 75. He had a wife (my grandmother) but he had multiple affairs throughout his life which eventually killed my Grandmother who died young aged 60. He was percieved as a shallow man and the only people who respected him were his secret circle of friends who didn't even know he was married...He lead a double life...so one wonders who he really was?
Most men with less of an ego (and I am not bitching at you)do eventually decide to choose the one and settle and start a family but it doesn't take much for some to get wanderlust around the midlife point. The internet and the covert nature of communication makes cheating so much easier and people slip into a 'double life' before they have even thought about it (like my Grandad).
All this said, it is unfair to hold on to someone else when you know in your heart that you do not love them enough to be faithful. It makes a monster out of you and a fool out of them.
Some people seek psychotherapy to give them coping tools to avoid infidelity...others just go the double life route...but what do you want your choices to say about you as a person?...as a man?
You are obviously struggling with yourself over this and to me, that suggests you have some hope to make the right decision.
The right decision being either:
Be faithful and commit to one person
or
Let her go, remain a batchelor and try to avoid deep and meaningful relationships.
Either is fine, but you cannot mix them up or have both...cos that makes you the monster (like my Grandad)
You got some thinking to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2013): If she is a nice girl like you said she is with a good family then she dose not deserve to be cheated on like this. And you do not deserve her. Leave.
If you love her and want to be with her, you need to tell her what you have done. Hopefully she will leave you and maybe that is the kiss up the A** you need to not treat women like you do.
I don't need to be harsh but don't continue to do this to her. It's not fair and at least you have recognised you can't go on doing it. Make a decision and stick to it.
Tell her and if she forgives you be faithful to her.
Or just leave her.
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